Coping With A Break Up Involving A Child

[BenchesLad]

Hi guys,

First post on here so be gentle. Bit of background...

My wife and I were together from 2003 and married in 2009. We had our son in 2008 but separated in Nov 2010. There were a few factors behind our split, the main one being money. She moved out of our home but we remained friends. We decided to try again in Feb 2011 and it went well although I still lived at the house as I was trying to sell it. For a year it was on the market but finally decided not to sell and rented it out instead in April 2012. I moved in with her from then until July. We decided that we weren't working so I moved back to my parents until I can move back to the house. If I'm totally honest, it wasn't that I didn't love her, I just couldn't feel comfortable in the flat she lived in but she didn't want to move back to our old house as she didn't like the area.
Last week she told me that she'd seen me on a dating site (I was on there less than a week and only to shut people up, that's the truth). I have since removed myself as I am not ready to date and if I'm honest I don't want anyone else. She's my life and the thought of me without her and my son together is getting me so down. She has told me she is going on a date tomorrow and that she's been talking to a guy for the past two weeks.
I am heartbroken as I never really wanted to break up with her. It hurt because after 10 years together, I'd have thought 6 months is a bit soon to start looking for someone else.
She told me yesterday she doesn't love me which was a crushing blow as I still do. I think of the memories we have together, the pics and also my little boy asking why daddy doesn't stay when I go round to see her. I'm truly truly heartbroken as I did see us growing old together.

I have told her that I want her back, I'll change for her, give up smoking, do more things together. I just want my wife and son back.
Has anyone been in this situation? I am hurting so much that this is the hardest thing I've had to ever deal with, and I've been through a lot in my 37 years.

Thank you for your time

[joko]

without speaking to her we, of course, cannot know how she feels.
it could just be a wobble, maybe she just needs time to think about life and the future etc - sometimes it takes that for people to see what they have and what they may lose.

it seesms like you are just 'always there' and maybe its just become stale. maybe she needs to expereince life without you.

i dont want to give you false hope though, maybe shes serious and just wants to move on - how did she react when she saw you on the site? angry, upset, bothered? or indifferent? relieved?
only you would know that, but in practical terms i would try to distance yourself a bit from her, give her time and space and maybe she will come back.

just remember, you cannot tell her how to feel or what she should want etc - it has to come from within

[magsmay]

Hi Bencheslad. Your wife may have been shocked and dare i say a little jealous when she swa you'd started to look around on a dating site -it could be the 'date' she has and the guy are made up to make you feel jealous -perhaps. In any case you can't make someone love you, but sometimes these things can be put right, slowly. Concentrate on the relationship you have got with your wife, not the one you would like -remain as friendly as you can and try and see your child as much as possible -even suggest babysitting if she's going out (yes hard) . The friendship may rekindle old feelings it may not -but a few months down the line you could suggest doing something together with your child 'as friends' - a trip to the park for example -don't be pushy but don't give the impression you're 'over it' either. make it clear you will always be there for her and your child and take it from there .

[BenchesLad]

She said 'it was a kick in the teeth' but that she wasn't bothered.

She wants us to be good friends and apparently on her profile she mentions that she is good friends with her me.

But I really am not handling this well, but this is because I realise how much I love her.

[mazie]

Welcome to AnswerBank. Try and be patient and understanding, don't make demands and be there for her and your Son. Give her a bit of space.

[magsmay]

Benches - Thats a good sign she did not like you looking for someone else. You need to be strong and remain friends -surely that's better than hating one another -You can still love her -now prove to her what a nice guy you are and let her chase you

[BenchesLad]

Thanks guys. Appreciate your answers.

[mazie]

Mags makes a lot of sense, try and back off a bit and let her chase you. Good luck and keep us posted on your progress xx

[tamborine]

Women have mood swings due to hormones and tiredness from caring for children & home.

Keep good relations with her and you will win her affections by your response & care for your son.....good luck

[BenchesLad]

I wish I had your optimism guys. When you want someone badly, You'll do whatever it takes. I've realised I wasn't perfect.

[mazie]

No-one is perfect...just hang in there. Don't be over demanding, give her space, try not to let her know how much you want her back, Women are funny like that, they like a bit of a challenge. Play it a bit cooler

[Mojo-Jo-Jo]

tamborine you are not making sense.
I feel for you Benches I really do, but I'm a little confused.
How did she know you were on the dating site. Did she find you or did her friends tell her?
Why did you use a dating site if you only want her? How does that shut people up?
I understand if you don't want to answer.

[tamborine]

Relationships are hard work but children love their parents & dont see the cracks. Keep optimistic and use persuasion thru your actions.

[tamborine]

maybe you dont understand me mojo but then you're not the poster

[Mojo-Jo-Jo]

Maybe tamborine, but I am a mother.

[BenchesLad]

No its fine Mojo. I put a profile up because my friends kept on at me cos they saw I was unhappy. The picture i used was blurry and i Had sunglasses on cos I wasn't that interested in dating. Had I been I'd have put a clear pic up. She saw me on there cos she'd been on there and put a profile up

[tamborine]

mojo dear, I've been wed 43y & been thru all this. I see the probs as a g'ma

[magsmay]

Benches - she said it was a kick in the teeth when she saw your profile on a dating site she had already got her profile on - isn't that a little strange? So basically shes saying to you that she does not love you and she is looking for someone else -yet is unhappy that you are doing the same thing? She seems to me to be playing you - cool things off but keep in touch with your child -and I reckon when she sees she has not got you wrapped around her little finger she'll come chasing you.

[magsmay]

Tambo -LOL! I thought you were in your 20's lol!

[Mojo-Jo-Jo]

Thank you for the answer Benches.
I asked those questions for a reason.
I can't help thinking that if she found you there as a member then she had to be looking herself.
I think the best thing you can do is to make sure that you can have enough contact with your son.
I'd love to say otherwise, but I think she means it. I'm sorry.

[tamborine]

I love you mags :)