Tim Vine

[marval]

After Maggie's brilliant Tommy Cooper jokes here is Tim Vine.


"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'


"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'


"Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."


"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."


"I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?...crematoriums"


I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.


Now did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.


So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness."


"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"


You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.


I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.


"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

[pixie373]

Not usually a fan of his, but some of those made me laugh.

[charlieuniform3]

The king of one liners - fab

[Booldawg]

Love Tim Vine, very sharp - and his jokes are always clean too.

[excelsior-1]

a tanker carrying purple paint collided with a tanker carrying red paint, in the north sea

both crews are marooned

[carrust]

I've just read The History of Glue.....I couldn't put it down....

[Svejk]

Stick to your day job, carrusty. ;)

[jno]

I think you'll find that's a Tim Vine joke, Svejk.

(Yes, I did get your own joke in there.)

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

[Ann]

Me and Hubby are great fans of his! Aren't they just brilliant!