Am I A Sociopath?

[BroodLunaMoon]

Hello. So... today I went to my aunt's funeral. And while I was there I had some odd experiences, and I'm little worried that I might be a deranged sociopath because of these feelings I had while I was there. I think I should just point out that I do not really know my aunt or care for her, and I everytime I saw her I just sort of ignored her, I thought she was annoying honestly, so her dying didn't really affect me, but this isn't the problem. The problem is that the entire time I was there, I just couldn't stop looking around at everyone being sad and crying over their lost, and it'd just give me this warm fuzzy feeling of pure happiness and it'd sorta twist my stomach arounds in a kind of painful way but pleasant. But for some reason, I don't know why but I began to smile, when I was looking at everyone being all sad I just found myself smiling. Then I was like "...Wait, I'm at a *** funeral. Why am I smiling?" So I stopped and just looked back down at the ground but then a couple minutes later I look back around and I saw this little girl crying, who I'm assuming is her daughter. And you know that twisty feeling I mentioned? Well, when I looked at that little girl crying I just felt it even more, and it began to feel like my stomach was literally twisting it knots and it felt so /weird./ And I continued to stare at the girl and I began to laugh a little. I really do not know why this was happening and this is really the first time this has happened to me before.

I mean, there were other times I had this happen to me but it was really faint and it wasn't like this time. It usually happened whenever I was watching a movie and I saw someone on the TV crying, but it wasn't really anything I worried about because I could easily ignore the sensation and continue watching the show/movie. But this, this was literally all around me. Everywhere I looked there were people with head downs and just... I don't know, it was so weird. I think the reason it was never as strong as beofore, in addition to what I said earlier. This was really the first time I went to a funeral, I went to one when I was four when my dad died, but I was so young I didn't really know what was going on and I don't remember it happening then. But I had small faint experiences like this before, but it was always on a screen. But maybe the fact I was at a funeral, which is essentially a place known for people being sad it just made it stand out more and become more present? I don't know, it was so weird. I've always sorta liked funerals and wanted to host them when I get older and now this experience happened, I sorta want to do it even more now. Because this little girl cry just made me so /happy./

And, it wasn't anything sexual like that. It's not like I was thinking "I wanna *** that crying little girl over there," then I'd really be concerned. No, I think I just liked seeing her so sad and distressed. And I just started thinking about how much this would affect her life, and how this poor kid would never be the same after this event. Because the kid was about 9 or 10 at least. But I just kept thinking about much this will affect her and hurt her, and thinking of all the things she'll need to go through next, and that was when I laughed. Why did I think it was funny? Only a deranged sociopathic monster thinks a little kid who lost a parent is /funny/. Which is root of the question, I really think I might be an sadist or something. Which is someone who finds amusement in someone else's pain. Which I think I might be. And it wasn't just with the little girl, it was with her father too, and her brother, I really liked her brother hugging her, it was cute. And the boy was clearly trying not to cry because he was trying to be strong for his lil' sis or something. The boy was probably around my age like 14 0r 15 or something. And the idea that the boy was trying hide his own emotions for the sake of his sister just made even amused.

But see, this worried me.

[BroodLunaMoon]

I'm finishing the story here: But see, this worried me. I already explain everything, and I really wanna know if all of this makes me as disgusting and terrible as I feel. I mean, I know I'm not supposed to feel happy at a little girl life being totally broken by the loss of her mom and how much this will affect her, but I couldn't help it. And I'm worried that one day, one day, I will want to see people in emotional pain, because that is really what I think I liked, the emotional the people were in, I'm worried that I will do something horrible if one day I become desperate to see more. Because, when I was looking at the whole show the kids were putting on, I just wanted to record it, I wouldn't like upload it to youtube or anything, I'd just keep it for myself so I could watch it whenever I wanted. Thinking back, I sorta wish I did. I should have. But if I did that I'd probably get caught, and then... just yea, I doubt my mom will be pleased with me recording that. I'm hoping someone who knows what they're talking about can tell me if this really is a sign of me sadistic or something. Because I'm pretty sure it is but I just kind of need someone to verify it for me. And I want to know if their is something I can do to make sure one day I don't crazy and kill someone just to so I can go to their funeral and see everyone being sad. Though, honestly I'll probably just get that funeral job, and just do that. That seems better than becoming a murderer. But, anyway, seriously, what should I do? I don't want to tell my mom, because she's all sad about her sister being dead, which really sucks for her. I can't tell her. Which is why I'm asking the internet, because then no one I know will find out.

So basically this is the question; am I sadistic sociopath and if I am, should I try tell my therapist at school or should I just see if it goes away on it's own? I don't really want to tell my therapist at school because she might call my mom. But, I'm also curious if the fact I know it's wrong, and I reconize that this is a problem makes me not totally there yet, ya know? I really have no idea, so yeah... just someone who knows what they're talking about answer the question.

Bye. (This probably had a lot of typos, sorry. I tried to fix some of them but there still might be a few in there. I also think I explained this crappily but whatever.)

[BroodLunaMoon]

To those of who were wondering a sociopath and a psychopath do have some difference but they aren't really that different. For example; a big different between sociopath and a psychopath is that a sociopath normally can feel guilty if they hurt someone close to them. While I psychopath really doesn't do that at all, they don't even form relationships with people really. Psychopaths usually are the people that become murders. Like, psychopaths will hurt their family and not feel bad about it, while appearing typically normal in public around other people. Don't really know how I know this, but I do.

[SirOracle]

In answer to your question I would say yes. But at your immature age you may well grow out of this as you mature a bit.

[IggyB]

Hi. The daughter of your deceased aunt would be your cousin. If your character knew / had a previous relationship with their aunt they would tend to be aware of their cousins and not refer to them as just 'some little kid crying'

Anyway interesting idea but could use some character and plot development

[woofgang]

neither do I know how you know this because even the experts differ!

[maggiebee]

What a very strange first question. Sorry, got bored after the second paragraph.

[jackthehat]

BLM - You are probably not half as twisted as you would wish to be at this time of your life........it'll pass in time and then you'll join the grown-up world just like the rest of us.

dieseldick - you have a healthy fantasy-life yourself....

[Peter Pedant]

No you are not a sociopath

abnormal experiences at a funeral are common and so is abnormal behaviour.

[Hypognosis]

@BroodLunaMoon

I think it is something to do with a failure in the part if the brain which deals with self-inhibition/self-discipline. It's on the same level as farting during the sermon or laughing at something during an exam. Because the behaviour is inappropriate, the part of the brain which tries to protect you from socially embarassing situations tries to stop you. Under stress, it can fail.

When you were 4, you might not have learned the "it's a funeral; everybody be sad" routine. I don't know if parents teach their kids this or if they learn it by copying whatever is going on around them.

I'm curious to learn at what age kids cease caring about where the next meal/toy/lavatorial opportunity is coming from and begin caring about people other than themselves? Or is that a behaviour actively taught to them?

[Cloverjo]

I remember when I was student and a friend phoned to say he wouldn't be starting term on time because his grandmother had died. I started laughing hysterically. It was mortifying. The more I tried to stop, the worse it got. I felt dreadful but it was just some kind of weird reaction to bad news.