Asking On Parent Advice

[boona]

Hello, it’s been a while since I have had to ask for advice on her but I have a predicament and I don’t know how to go about it!

Basically my daughter has been invited to stay at her friends house abroad for half term, another friend is also going, they are due to go in the next few wks and the flights have been paid.

Problem is the friendship between the three girls is not going well, they are leaving my girl out of the friendship group and have replaced her with someone else, leaving her to walk behind them at lunch and rolling their eyes if she sits at their table, she has tried explaining that she feels left out but just got a torrent of sarcastic remarks and that are generally being bullies.

My daughter said she wants to distance herself from them because they are making her miserable so it’s not a great time to be going away with them.

I don’t want to hurt the parents feelings, it was very kind of them to offer her and the girls parents are really nice, I’m not sure if they know what’s going on between the girls or not, I haven’t mentioned it but I’m sure they will have an idea, maybe not?

I just need help on how to explain to the parent that I feel it is best that she doesn’t go but in the nicest way possible without hurting her feelings!

My daughter is worried that its going to make the girls worse if she doesn’t go but at the same time she can’t go when they are like this!

[Hopkirk]

Very difficult.

I would sit down with her and openly discuss the options. I wouldn't feel able to send her if she would be unhappy.

If she doesn't go I would contact the parents and just says she is having a bit of anxiety about travelling and being away from home. I would leave it at that, and not point the finger at their daughter in any way.

[Redhelen72]

Could you just say thanks but I think the friendship has run it’s course and perhaps at this time it would be good for them to have some time apart.

[andy-hughes]

I think Hopkirk's advice is excellent.

Friendships ebb and flow and a golden rule for any and all parents, is to stay out of it as far as possible.

There is no good way, and no good outcome, in telling any parent that their child is not behaving well. They may know that it's true, they may not, but even if they do, they will not take kindly to having in pointed out by another parent - the automatic response is defence at what they will see as criticism of their child, and their parenting skills.

The easiest way is to avoid the relationship angle altogether, and stick to vague uncertainty.

The result is exactly the same, but the door is not slammed on future friendship repairs by the girls themselves.

And equally important, the door is not opened on future frosty relations with the daughter's friends' parents either.

[MissTerious2]

I would simply say to the parents that she has reservations about going and you have told her she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to. But thank them for their kind offer.

[wolf63]

I agree with all three of the above. But none of the girls is behaving badly - they are behaving like normal teenage girls.

I would talk to the other parents, and make it pretty lighthearted. The girls may all be friends again soon - or not, it is a really stressful time for them and their hormones.

[MissTerious2]

Why are girls so difficult when it comes to friendships boys are so much easier?

[MissTerious2]

I don't know that it's hormones. Working in schools I know it starts with girls who are 5 years old. Boys sort themselves out.

[wolf63]

missT, I think that the hormones just make a bad situation worse. As you say, boys are simpler creatures. ☺

[MissTerious2]

Wolf, yes hormones play a part. I was mentor to a group of difficult 15 year old girls. My goodness, it was difficult. Would have much preferred the boy group.

[anneasquith]

Some teenage girls can be nasty. Your daughter should stay at home, . The parents should be aware that ( this time) their daughter is being nasty.
When it comes to teenage girls 3 is one too many for friendship .

[MissTerious2]

Going back to the op. I don't think you should mention anything about the reason. All you have to really say is she doesn't want to go.

[MissTerious2]

Don't complicate things.

[Sqad]

What is best for your daughter and that is the main concern.

Your daughter is being bullied and will get worse when abroad.

Girls by and large are bitches.

Cancel her trip and tell the parents of her "mates" why.

[naomi24]

Hello boona, nice to see you again.

I agree with sqad.

[rowanwitch]

Keep her home, explain that they aren't getting on as well as they were, possibly say new member has upset group dynamic and you can't risk your daughter being away because if it gets worse she won't be able to get out of a difficult situation. That way you don't blame her daughter, just a new girl who so far hasn't been invited.

[MissTerious2]

Telling parents their daughters are bullies will do nothing to improve the situation for the op's daughter. If anything it will make it worse in my opinion.

[MissTerious2]

Just glad I had a son who never discussed school with us.

[Bobbisox1]

3 into two at teenage level doesn’t go , best just to say she’s changed her mind about being away from her family in another country and leave it there

[Redhelen72]

Bullying?
Very similar to what is happening on AB but not one person has called it bullying more their right to ignore who they want to.
So perhaps these girls are choosing their right to ignore the 3rd girl.

[Ken4155]

Just explain to the girl's parents tat since the arrival of the 'newcomer' to the group, your daughter feels left out of things and it's best for her not to go on the holiday.