am i being selfish?

[ethanryan]

hi, my sil is pregnant again. she has 2 daughters already aged 3 and 13 months. she is now 13 weeks pregnant and does nothing but moan about it. she has taken herself to hospital 3 times already saying that she is unwell and needs to stay in. there is nothing wrong with her apart from she is pregnant. she dont eat and drink just so she will be taken into hospital and be put on a drip. we all couldnt understand why she keeps doing this as she has her other children to look after, but now know she is doing it to get a break from home. the hospital have to keep her in to cover there own back as she refuses to eat n drink.
my question is, the last two times she has been in i have had the kids for the whole week. plus my 2 children. i have coped with 5 children before and i dont mind having them but just think why should i just so she can have a break. my brother has asked me to have them as she is back in hospital again and i have said no, so they have fell out with me. am i being selfish? i just think if everyone looks after her kids now and gives her an easy life how will she cope with another child.

[ccfluff]

I dont think your being selfish, purhaps if your brother and sister in law didnt have anyone to look after their kids they might just be forced to take a little responsibility. I also think your sil may need some sort of pschological help, who in their right mids would do this. You could give them an ultmatum, get help and ill help you, but while they both are acting this way i think you have done the best thing. My brother and sil have just had a baby, couldnt afford one, and so both have to go straight back to work, they have asked me if i can look after the baby for 12 hours a day 3 times a week, i have refused, i dont mind having my nephew a few hours, but what they want turns out to be a full time unpaid nanny. Dont worry you are not being selfish!

[elginred]

Oh dear! I don't think you are being selfish at all. However, there are children to consider in this. Have you tried to offer her advice to help her cope at home instead of having to go into hospital? After all, if she has to admit herself to hospital to have a break then I imagine she could do with a hand to help her cope, instead of her just passing it on to someone else. Maybe when she is home invite her round to yours for an afternoon, and have a chat about how you manage with your kids, and how hard it can be. Give her a sympathetic ear.

Might be out of order saying this, but does your brother give any support in the day to day upbringing of the kids, and general housework? Could be that he needs a friendly shove to give your sil a bit of a break.

Don't think you are being selfish though. By doing it all for her, she'll never be able to cope, because she won't have to.

[4getmenot]

Your life, your choice, she cannot have a go at you. But also it doesnt do any harm to help. If you are able to then whats the harm in looking after them.

[ethanryan]

hi elginred to be honest i think my brother has had enough of her doing it too. he is very good with the children but he works aal day and has to leave the house at 7am and gets home around 6 30. he then takes over.he needs to work to keep a roof over there head. but she cannot see that and thinks he should stay at home. she is not the sort of person you can talk to, she thiks she is the perfect person and no one elses opinion counts

[karmgirl]

It seems a very extreme way of getting a break. By not eating she could be harming her unborn baby. Why didn't she just ask for help in the first place?

[redcrx]

theres a slight difference between helping out when shes not feeling well and taking on 2 children for a whole week because she is making herself ill.

She may well be suffreing from very bad morning sickness and have to be in hospital for rehydrating but they will put her on medication to prevent the sickness.

Perhaps if your brother had to take time off work to look after them (he should be entitled to leave) then he may realise what hes expecting you to do.

In answer to your question NO you are not selfish!

[ethanryan]

hi 4get, i do help when i can but i do have my life too. if she was ill i would have the children everyday but why should i have to have them all day everyday for her to be lyin in bed. she makes herself ill as she refuses to eat. there is nothing medically wrong with her. what is she going to do when baby number 3 comes along, dump all 3 of them on people so she can rest all day. last time i had them all day mon-thu and because i couldnt have them on the friday as my son had to be at hospital, she fell out with me saying t wouldnt hurt me to have them.

[obNOXious]

No you're not being selfish in the sense that these kids are clearly not your responsibility per se.
However you are making rather sweeping statements about your sister in law who indeed may be ill . The hospital admit her, therefore you have to take that at face value and not read another interpretation into it. Some womean have awful morning sickness or feeling sick and not actually being sick all the way through their pregnancy, and if this is the case with her then yeah,she won't enjoy eating or drinking and it may not even be possible for her some says and she'll need admitting and treating via drip, but you have no responsibility towards her or her children and I don't think you are being selfish, but realistically you're brother's going to side with his wife on this, so it'll likely cause some family issues.

[ethanryan]

hi red if i knew it was just really bad morning sickness then i would be there to help as i know what its like to be pregnant but as it is all self inflicted why should i give up my days to look after her kids. i cannot go out anywhere when i have them all as i dont have a double buggy

[4getmenot]

This is what I get off my bro, one time he asked if I could pick his wife up from work, I was busy and said no and then I was a selfish b1tch and he was never going to speak to me again. Why has your bro fallen out with you is it because he might then be asked. It really has nothing to do with him. Just tell them you have your own life, they wont fall out for long with you because it seems to me they rely on you too much and will soon come crawling back. xx

[ethanryan]

4get you are so right. they do need me and rely on me far too much, my partner thinks they use me too much, he loves the kids just as much as me but when he has been to work all day the last thing anyone wants is to come home to a house full of other peoples kids. my brother needs his job as she likes lots of new things and he does as she says. she rules the house and he does anything to keep her happy. which is his own fault as he should speak up more. she wants everyone to change there plans to help her all the time, and uses things like, well if u cant have them what are they going to do cause im too ill to get off the settee, and whos going to make there dinner. she knows this will make me feel guilty.
she really isnt ill, the hospital have told her that there is nothing wrong with her at all, she went to hospital on the sunday and they wanted to send her home on the monday but she told the nurse she needs to stay there cause as soon as she gets home she will have to look after the kids.
i cant understand why she would do this, when i waspregnant with my second i wanted to give my first so much attention before the new one came

[4getmenot]

I bet you're like me and it upsets you to fall out with them where as they couldnt care less unless about you only when they need stuff. I know thats the only time my bro will come crwaling back when he needs something. I am always one to apologise and feel guilty but I'm just carrying on with it now. I know I'm not selfish and will help anyone out when they need it. I know with redcrx (sis) if she asked me to babysit and I was busy she wouldnt have a go she would know just that I am busy. Although I never miss a chance to have them

[ethanryan]

yeah its the same here 4get. normally i love having them, and if they want to go out i will have them over night but just dont think its fair when she is just takin the p***

[4getmenot]

too right theres halping out then theres being a pushover

[Eve]

On a different note something worries me about what she's doing, like a drastic cry for help.

To make herself ill by not eating and drinking is not a normal way of acting and it seems like she maybe feel safer in hospital for some reason.

If this is what she is doing then I doubt talking to her will help much as she may not even realise or be able to admit anything.

I think she needs help. Could you get your brother to have a word at the hospital when she is next in to see if they can send someone down to speak to her to see if they can get to the bottom of whatever it is making her like this?

Could she have been on medication like anti-depressants when she wasn't pregnant which she has been encouraged to come off because of the pregnancy which could be affecting her mental state?

Could she be depressed and feeling like she can't cope and using the hospital as a chance to get away.

Could she have had a miscarriage or other problem in the past which makes her somewhat neurotic about pregnancy?

Something just doesn't sound right and I think she needs help.

[ethanryan]

hi jenna, she has had 4 miscarriages but they were before her other two children about 5 years ago. some one from the hospital has had a chat with her as she said she could not cope with another child. they advised her of all her options. my mom believes that she is still suffering from pnd from her last child and this has just made it all worse

[Eve]

Ok, I think that there is something really wrong and she needs help.

[myselfness]

maybe thats what it is then.... she thinks if she doesnt eat she'll have a miscarriage and not have to handle the stress of another child...

its worth mentioning it to a midwife or something