My Children V Step Children - Help

[tgm1974]

I hope this is the right section to post under and I apologise now if anyone feels my question is "silly".

My husband has 3 children from a previous marriage (24, 18 and 16 years) and we also have two children together (7 and 3 years). He does not speak to his eldest son and hasnt for 2 years but this does not come into my question today but he has fallen out with his 18 yr old son and also his 16 yr old daughter ....... it is mainly to do with his daughter being found out to be going to nightclubs without him knowing and lieing that she had gone.

They havent spoken for the past 4 weeks which I can see does get to him but he plays that it isnt. My question today, and I am sorry if this sounds selfish, but my youngest son had his birthday on 6 January this year when he turned 3. Because the 18 and 16 year old arent talking to their Dad, both my sons have been ignored also - not even a text to me to wish my little one a happy birthday or anything. They have no issue with me and I have messaged them on several occasions just asking if they are down "this week" for tea ... something I always do. Ive not got in the middle of their fall out with their Dad but have left the contact open to see if they message me in any way, at any time.

We are 5 weeks down the line and my hubby told me that his 18 yr old son called him twice last week playing it all cool and as if there had been no fall out. His son knows that if he doesnt make the effort with his Dad then he will end up losing him. These children can be very selfish and only call on their Dad when they want something even though they go through the routine of coming to see him every Wednesday and Sunday, when they have nothing better to do. My hubby said that the 18 yr old told him that he has a few shifts in work in the next fortnight to get out the way then he will "pop down" with my little ones birthday present.

My stomach is upside down with it all. I know this is an issue for my husband and his children but the fact that "my" children have been ignored because of it has me questioning if they really accept them as their family, like I accept my husbands children. I go out of my way for them when they are here and if they need stuff and I am so angry. I dont know how to react, if and when they do turn up, and even though my husband knows how I feel, I feel I cant express my proper anger about it all.

Do you think I am being unreasonable at all - or how would you react. I just want them to stay out of my childrens lives if they cant be bothered to even text and see how they are!? So sorry to burden anyone with this but I feel physically sick with anger and I can feel the strain with my husband (i dont want to add to his current headache)

[anneasquith]

let him deal with his own children , you need not get involved, just concentrate on your own children. it's naïve to think two families will automatically all become ' one big happy family ''

[tgm1974]

Hi thanks for your reply. We have been an extended family for the past 8 years now and no issues. This falling out is obviously and issue between Dad and his older children, my only disappointment is the fact that they have displayed so much love and attention for my children over the years and now they havent even asked, via text, to see how they are. I dont know if I am being over sensitive but it has really got me angry inside and I do not want them around my children at the moment. They cannot act one way with them and then totally ignore them .... this isnt fair and I feel protective of my family.

Sorry, so emotional at the moment about this x

[hc4361]

Young people can be thoughtless and unfeeling towards their full siblings, so I'd say they are treating their half siblings possibly no differently.

You've every right to tell them you are fed up with their behaviour towards the little ones and hope things improve.

Don't forget 'your' children are also your husband's children. Children from the first family can often feel resentment about the second family, jealous that the 'new' children live with their mum and dad full time and that dad seems to have less time just for them.
That doesn't mean you have to pussyfoot round them, though. If I were you I'd try not to be too upset at their behaviour - it seems fairly normal for teenagers to me.

[anneasquith]

well. look at the ages of two of them. teenagers can be very selfish. I bet your 7/3 year olds are not as 'upset' as you though. just take a back seat and let the other children and their father ' sort things out'. if they visit be polite but. remember they are step children ? :)

[tgm1974]

It is lucky this forum isnt a face to face as Im already in tears from writing this and feeling angry. I spoke about it with my husband again last night as I feel like telling them to stick their bday present for my son in the bin, if either of them "pop" down in the future but Ive been told that that isnt the right thing to do. My husband said his head is about to explode with what he wants to say to them so I know he isnt going to let it go but that doesnt stop my anger and emotion inside. Should I text and tell them how I am feeling or wait til they turn up here one day? My husband has even said that his main priority at the moment are his two young sons and that he is going to tell the other two exactly how he feels and how theyve made others feel. I think I will get upset when the day comes with all of this inside of me. I cant just sit back and smile x

[roopower]

A lot of youngsters go through a self-centered and thoughtless stage in their teens. It could be what is happening with your step children and is a side issue from the falling out. Your husband's daughter looks as though she is being a bit rebellious, which is also common, she's testing the waters so to speak. It is difficult for you but I think you have some discussing to do with your husband before the anger you feel bursts out. Please try to back off a little and give the youngsters space, you're in danger of getting in a 'them and us' situation which would be very difficult to rectify. I hope you and your husband can work things out as a family.

[roopower]

Our posts crossed. Please try to curb your anger, unless you want a rift that will not heal. As I said before young people are often rather selfish and unthinking. They don't think of things things the way adults do - I know technically the lad is an adult but he still has a lot of growing up to do, even if he doesn't know it. You and your husband must talk to the youngsters calmly if you don't want to finish up with them out of your lives like their brother. They sound like a volatile family.

[Sycamore3House]

You seem to have put so much into trying to make a happy family. Teenagers are a pain. I would now concentrate on your young sons. You don't need the step children making you upset. Leave them to their father and if they don't visit so what. Let them make contact with you. Sending a text is not proper contact in my mind. I bet they will want you before you want them. Also as teenagers if they know they are causing a rift they will behave badly even more.

[tgm1974]

Sycamore, if I was really honest then the longer they are away, the better. I am not a nasty person but the selfish side of them always gets me twisted inside. In the past when I have tried to mention this to my husband then it has, on occasions, caused an atmosphere. It is only now that he has fully seen it with the no contact from them that he knows what Ive said, and not in a vindictive manner.

I am just in stressing mode at the moment as I do not know what to say exactly if any of them turn up. I want to make my point but I do not want my point brushed off by them. I want them to know this is not acceptable at all - you are either in my sons lives or not. Thats probably a good line to throw at them!

[jourdain2]

I really don't think you ought to 'throw' any line at them at the moment.

Emotions are running high and that is so often disastrous. 'Your' children probably aren't upset at the moment and 'his' may well react badly. It's hard, but I think you somehow have to absorb it and provide a buffer-zone. Will think more about it. Have step-children myself (grown-up, thank Heavens!) not easy to meld families. Let the others find their feet - they have enough problems with their relationship with their father at the moment.

Well, it may not be much help, but be calm, punch a pillow etc.. Good luck!

[Prudie]

Hmmm I can see this from another viewpoint and read from your posts things that your stepchildren may also have picked up on and that is you seem to care far more deeply about your own children than your stepchildren. That is perfectly normal and I'm sure something other families with this set up have to go through. I'd agree with previous answers that teenagers can be very selfish and wrapped up in their own problems. Not acknowledging a 3 year old's birthday is really not that awful in my opinion. but you seem to see it as the ultimate snub. For your own peace of mind try to let this go, your husband's children were always going to feel at a disadvantage once the two of you had your own. Try to give them some slack, the most important thing is they rebuild their relationship with their father and you won't want your children to appear as a block to that happening, especially over a lack of birthday wishes.

[uglyeric]

I have the same situation. I agree, I teach my Kids to be respectful, I cant scold someone else's kids. keep the same rules for all kids. There will be some feelings the kids will need to grow with ,ask the kids what bothers them. I stayed positive. over time my steps get along. Cant force them they are growing their own personalities. They will respect you, and your children over time. Grow positive memories, kids remember bad, more than good.