My Daughter...and Her Dad

[pastafreak]

I know I've written on here before about lilpasta and her somewhat distant father. She has often found it difficult to get the quality time with him that she would like. Thus gas not improved...in fact, maybe it's worse. As she lives in London and works in a demanding job, her visits are not that frequent...she stays with me and meets up with him. But all too often it's a quick drink, and he cuts the meeting short. He "has to go".
Christmas had always been the only opportunity for a longer visit...but the atmosphere was often somewhat strained...the " new" wife would not communicate, or would speak only of her son. Would never show interest in lilpasta or her life. There were several instances of marital rows in DDs presence. She has never simply been invited for a meal. She always stays at mine...which I'm am happy with. But...every occasion results in her feeling discomfort. It came to a head Christmas eve. They met in a restaurant...this has become the norm. She felt she was "expecting" things to go pear shaped...they did...
The discussion turned to living in London, prices of beer, food...etc. lilpasta explained that one just gets used to it.
The wife made some disparaging remarks about London, and those who live there...along the lines of people "showing off". DD explained that one just gets used to it. Wife made a face to dad " whateverrrr. "...DD took offence...and ended up leaving the table. Both she and I feel that, though this was not major, she'd just had enough. Now she feels bad...though she mentioned to her dad before going that his wife made her feel very uncomfortable every time.
I've advised her to email dad...and explain her feelings...while emphasising she feels no animosity. What more can she do? Any advice please?

[Tilly2]

Perhaps sending a letter to her Dad, and explaining fully how she feels, might hit the spot more than an email.

[Mamyalynne]

I think a simple explanation along the lines of - she never quite feels the closeness of a Father/Daughter meeting and could she and Dad make this coming year one to work on their relationship.

[Mamyalynne]

I too would do this in a letter.

[ummmm]

Nothing.
I take it he's not stupid so he knows. He can see the face pulling etc. It looks like he's opting for an easier time with his wife. Probably assumes his daughter will always be there.

Maybe I'm more cold hearted than most but I just wouldn't get in contact again. I'd leave it to him and then stipulate what I wanted and expected.

[Tilly2]

Telling her dad how she feels will make her feel better, then she can leave the ball in his court.

[pastafreak]

Ummmm...you've come quite close to our conclusion and assessment of the situation. He's never been one to understand people's feelings...he doesn't want to deal with it all.
But lilpasta wants him...I think... to understand what triggered her.
I said an email because I know she'll never write a letter.
WE would...she won't.

[Samuraisan]

I think you are right ummmm. This will never be the kind of relationship daughter would like. Leave him alone and next time he wants to meet, insist it's just the two of them. Some men just look for the easy way and don't want any conflict with their wives and are actually quite weak. My brother is like that. It's hurtful for daughter , but I can't see sending him a letter would change anything, he knows.

[pastafreak]

True Tilly.

[anneasquith]

How unfortunate that your daughter has such an uncaring father, he should insist he and HIS daughter spend quality time together alone. Unfortunately he appears to have a jealous maybe even not confident wife.

[pastafreak]

We've come to the conclusion that he's spent all of 4 HOURS with her over this past year.
I've had to resist the urge to get involved in the past...but they are adults. It's not my business.

[EDDIE51]

Apart from agreeing that an email is a VERY poor alternative to a personal letter, I can say no more.

[pastafreak]

Anne...she's had some setbacks...including a heart attack and giving up PhD studies. Not an easy situation.

[Islay]

I wouldn't do anything neither write to him or call him. He must know how is wife is behaving towards is daughter and does not have the gonads or the feelings to stop it - therefore he does not deserve his daughter.
Your daughter should wait and if by some chance on a blue moon her father contacts her asking why she has not been in touch then she should tell him how she feels but not before.
Give her a big hug and tell her that he it a *** and does not deserve her x

[Tilly2]

Then she needs more less stress in her life. Tell it how it is and see what happens.

[Tilly2]

less stress!

[vulcan42]

I would agree with anneasquith and the problem seems to be with the new, possibly jealous, wife. Perhaps contacting her could be the answer, if there's no answer you know how you stand and if there is an answer, positive or negative, you will also know how to proceed.

[pastafreak]

She's not that "new" a wife...together now for 12 years...married about 5. They live in the same small city. Distance not a problem.

[anneasquith]

I think its easy for us to say just ignore the father, but we are strange creatures and daughter wants a decent relationship with her father. I don't think she should be contacting her father, he should contact his daughter,she's lucky to have a loving mum.

[sherrardk]

I'm in the do nothing club, whilst they're both grown ups he's still her father and should be the bigger 'grown up'. My step dad (who we regarded as our father) 'dumped' me and my twin sister when he remarried after our mother died - his loss, he's missing out on knowing our kids. I feel bad for your daughter though, it can't be easy for her.

[albaqwerty]

text/phone/write/email Dad to say next time they meet up it's just the 2 of them, father and daughter and not a spare wheel along for the ride.