Please read RE: miscarriage

[loukr]

Cut a long story short, my friend did a stupid thing. I went along to the clinic with her for a test to be supportive -result...-positive... So, she wants an early medical abortion, which is 2 pills on seperate days. next wednesday + thurs. I went with her today for a consultation, but the nearest place to offer this treatment is brighton... nearly 2 hours drive from my house, only I drive so I went with her. Now she wants me to go with her for her next 2 appointments, only I'm back at college next week and I really don't want to miss any, especially not from my first week back...

So what do I do? she hasn't told her mum, and doesn't plan on it. however after speaking to my mum, who sadly went through a miscarriage a while ago, I hear it's extremely painful, both physically and emotionally. And obviously I cant be there whilst she's having it.. so should I encourage her to tell her mum? And explain to her that she's putting me out.. i.e. college etc?

Am I being really selfish in saying this? only I feel that I've been put in a really awkward situation, and possibly the only reason she want's me to go with her is because I have a car...

Please help, I really don't know what to do.. is it fair that her mother should know? or would my friend telling her mum be the right thing to do?

Thanx.. Lou x

[redcrx]

Lou,
Im sorry you find yourself unable to support your friend but i dont think that telling her shes 'putting you out' is the best way to put it.
Im sure your friend is scared at the prospect of going through this procedure and also terrified of telling her mum. She confided in you because you are her friend, i doubt the fact that you drive really entered her head when shes got more important things to concern her.
If you really cant spare her the time then how about you try and tell her that youd find it difficult to go with her because of your views on abortion maybe. Say that youll help and support her when she returns home but that you cant hold her had whilst shes there.
Do not force her to tell her mum unless she wants to.

[azif]

Sorry redcrx but totally disagree. I would advise her to tell her friend about her commitments and be honest with her friend and see if she can make any other arrangements to get to the clinic. No need to lie to a friend because it will eventually come out. Be open she won't get offended if she's a true friend.

[jeanette1976]

On the other hand, telling her mum may be the best thing she could ever do.... she would want to know her daughter is ok, especially going all that way on her own in a really depressed and negative state... anything could happen to her. While I understand that a lot of people are against abortion, her mum may be suprisingly understanding... To add to this, it IS much more common than one would expect, I know SIX girls out of my closest friends who have been through it. Good luck.... X

[jeanette1976]

Oh, I forgot to add, some hospitals do allow friends to be there, especially when the circumstances are put forward... a friend of mine actually had TWO of her own friends in the room with her.... she was lucky enough to get a private room as most hospitals try to bungle you in a shared room... and if thats the case with your friend, she won't want to be on her own in a room with 8 other girls with their mums and boyfriends....

As for being mentally and emotionally drained, she may be extremely depressed about it and the last thing she wants is to be is in a strange place, travelling home on her own...

If I were you, I would go and support her, its just one day and you will be doing exactly the same thing on your second day back... X

[oldwoman]

She needs to tell her mother.She is going to need support after the event. Tell her you`ll be with her whilst she tells her if this will help but as a friend you can only do so much.

[loukr]

Okay first off, redcrx I'm quite offended that you think I am 'unable to support my friend', Obviously if I were to let her down I would not put it as 'you're putting me out' I'm not that harsh a person, and I am not going to do anything just yet, but I'm asking people for help, not criticism. Also it's not that I'm forcing her to tell her mum and I wouldn't dream of this, but do you not think that it would be for the best?

She can't talk to her boyfriend, or any of her other friends. I am able to give her support, but not the kind her own mother could give her.

And yes, it's just convenient for me to take her as no one else will, I am happy to do this but I know this is why, as after she has taken the pills, she just wants me to drop her off home, where she'll be alone.

She's not terrified of telling her mum, she knows she'll understand and stand by her, but she's just embarassed.

Confiding is not a word I would use though.. I'm about the 5th person she's asked, but unlike her other friends I am happy to support her as I would anyone.

It's just that judging by what my mum has told me, she needs someone there for her and not just someone who can drive her to the clinic and back.

[loukr]

and thanx azif you're right I can't lie to her. jeanette, I would not ever let her go by herself, what I'm trying to say is by her telling her mum, she can go with her and be alot more supportive than I ever can. And oldwoman (nice name!), thanx, your opinion was very helpful. Lou x

[Sherry1]

The two things are poles apart Lou... Your mothers miscarriage was a sad sad lose of a child she wanted while your friend has made a decision to terminate a pregnancy she doesn't want. All clinics will councel her prior to any treatment and she will be asked some very soul searching questions. She needs someone there for support if possible and ideally it would be her mother but that choice is hers.
Your situation is that you need to be at college and if she is a good friend she should understand that.
So don't do a guilt trip on yourself... explain the facts and call her several times over the time she's in Brighton to let her know that although you can't be there in body you are thinking of her
I wish you a happy outcome
x

[redcrx]

If youd said that you were the 5th person your friend asked then i may have replied differently. It appeared that you were the only one she had confided in as she couldnt tell her mum and so i was quite appalled at the idea that you may have been putting your college before a good friend in need. Maybe im too soft hearted but if it were most of my friends Id take them there if they needed the support, or even just a lift.
If her only reason for not telling her mum is because shes embarassed then she should be encouraged to try and tell her. I know id never tell my mum should such a thing happen (though it wont) because of her views on abortion, no matter how much she'd want the best for me I know she'd be upset and disappoined.
Perhaps you could help your friend find someone close (if not her mum) to take her to the appointments.

[loukr]

redcrx, I know what you're saying, but even if I were in the situation my friend is in, I would most definately tell my mum, and she has extremely strong views on abortion due to events in the past which I won't go into.

I would like to support her but I can't help but feel abit used. She knows how important college is to me this year yet she still made me feel guilty when I asked if it would be possible to rearrange her appointment if I have lessons.

also redcrx, if the situation were how it appeared, ie me putting college before a friend in need, believe me I most certainly wouldn't do that!

I know she can talk to her mother, they're extremely close as she was a single parent right from the moment she found out she was pregnant, I think she just wants the easy way out, which might not be the best.

Sherry thanx for your opinion, I will read over what you have said and hopefully with everybodys help I can make a decision on what to do.

Thanx xx

[maggie01]

If she lives at home, surely she needs to tell her mum encase things don't go to plan. Her mum could be petrified something was wrong with her.

[loukr]

yes she does live at home, and it's just her and her mum, which is why I think she should tell her.