Is This Scene Appropriate To Include In A Story?

[Batchellor]

Thank you to those who answered my last post. Do you think this scene is appropriate to include in the story?

When they got to school Peter opened the door for Rachel and let her through. ‘Thank you, Mr Bumby,’ she said. ‘I’ll see you in class.’ ‘Goodbye Miss Pearson.’ Peter was feeling quite elated. He was glad Rachel had noticed his new grey trousers, and liked them. And he was glad she had called him Mr Bumby at last. This too made him feel grown-up.
He had been preoccupied with dressing himself this morning, and his nervousness over the meeting with Rachel had rather unsettled his stomach. As he walked into the toilets he met two of his friends. One of them, Frederick, was washing his hands at the sink.
‘Look at Bumby,’ he said, turning to George. ‘He’s all dressed up today.’
'Mr Bumby,' corrected Peter. George looked round from the urinal.
‘Wow. Are you going somewhere, Mr Bumby?’ he asked.
‘I’m going to the toilet,’ said Peter as he entered a cubicle. Both boys laughed as he shut the door.
‘He’s trying to impress Rachel Pearson,’ Peter heard Frederick say as he unfastened his belt.
‘Let’s go and tell her he’s on the loo, shall we?’ George taunted.
‘Shut up,’ said Peter as he sat down.
Further laughter followed as Frederick and George went out the door. Peter was thankful to be left in peace. They were right of course, he had wanted to impress Rachel by dressing up, because he liked her. And that was why he had called her Miss Pearson. He had been afraid afterwards that she would think him odd because he had called her that, and maybe she had at first. But she hadn’t spurned him, just continued to be friends. He hadn’t called her Miss Pearson again, but tried to avoid using her name. And now today, unexpectedly, she had addressed him formally, unprompted by him. Was it because of his smart appearance? And did it mean that she was returning his affections, that she liked him that way too?

[maggiebee]

Not the kind of story I would read - what age range is it aimed at?

[B00]

How does the reader know that Rachel noticed and liked his trousers?

[Mamyalynne]

Having read your earlier intro, I cannot get the image of Grey Flannels out of my head and that is distracting me from what may happen next.

[Mamyalynne]

Here B00


http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Arts-and-Literature/Question1391372.html

[Jackdaw33]

http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Arts-and-Literature/Question1391372.html

[Ken4155]

Unless done for comedic effect, bodily functions are best left to the imagination.

[B00]

Ahhh rightio....sorry! And thanks :-)

[EcclesCake]

What century is this set in?
What age range is it aimed at?
Why are grey flannel trousers such a key feature?
No, setting this scene in a school toilet is unnecessary and would work just as well in the cloakroom.

Having said all of the above I'd love to see the pen picture for where this story is going.....so far I'm following it out of a a sense of morbid curiosity.

[Peter Pedant]

and you're gonna market it as

one shade of grey flannel ?

keep on writing and we will keep on appraising

[boxtops]

I certainly would omit any references to sitting on the toilet - quite unnecessary. If he wanted reflection time, he could walk round the playground.

[fiction-factory]

I find the story easy to read and somewhat intriguing. I particularly liked the first instalment provided by the link, but I agree that the toilet scene should be changed. I think the use of Mr Bumble/Miss Pearson works well (inspired by the attached youtube link scene I think) but the conversation does sound more like something from Jennings and Derbyshire or Famous 5 than any modern school children's banter

[fiction-factory]

Here's the clip I meant

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pA9jtMwHxBE#t=32

[Peter Pedant]

O God FF I sat thro the whole of Tom Jones ( with Tom Finney ) because I was told there as a scene of a coach-and-horses galloping full pelt into an inn. They had used the White Hart in Beaminster, Dorset
and after two hours - realised the scene had been cut.....

[Canary42]

BUMby on the toilet - very droll.

[jourdain2]

I'm understanding the characterisation better now, but I wouldn't set this scene in a loo. Perhaps you need to speed up the Miss and Mr. explanation and make it more natural for the reader to encompass. It is certainly becoming intriguing as an indication of personalities. It could be in the cloakroom and Peter could simply be brushing his hair and teeth and Fred and George might threaten to say that he was on the loo? Toilets are generally a bad idea, unless essential.

[ladybirder]

Sinks are in kitchens. Basins are in toilets/cloakrooms/bathrooms.

You have a nice easy style of writing. Don't give up.