Estranged friend - What would you do??

[indieanna86]

Hi All,

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Basically, I had been best friends with someone since the age of 12, we were pretty much inseparable, we're now 22. Back in 2006, for no reason at all, she stopped replying to texts or answering calls. Eventually I gave up trying to contact her and ended up not hearing from her again until June this year.
I asked her why she had done it and told her that I was very hurt by it and she told me she was very sorry and that she had simply 'got lazy', although she'd kept in touch with her other friends.
I was grateful that she had got back in touch and apologised, so I accepted the apology. I've had a pretty bad year and have been going through a really rough time, so it angered me that after her apology, the only time she got in touch was to tell me how wonderful her life was. She'd met a guy and after 6 months of knowing him is now getting married this month and every text was about how happy she was, though she knew I had just gone through a bad break up.
I've stopped replying to her now, and as yet haven't had an invite to the wedding. I suppose what I'm asking is, if this had happened to you, would you forgive and forget? Could you?
Of course I want my friend back but I'm finding it hard to forgive her. Surely if she can do it once, she can do it again?

Sorry its so long! Your thoughts are more than welcome!

[Bbbananas]

I think you're taking this too much to heart. 'forgive and forget' is a bit strong - all you've both done really is grown up and grown apart which happens all the time. You're still young and will meet new people and make new friends - don't dwell on this one.

I'm sure it's nothing personal, people do get lazy and now her new life is full of her fella and her wedding. Wish her well and move on.

[indieanna86]

So are you saying I should still be friends with her or forget her all together?
I don't think it was about growing up and growing apart. Her disappearance was instant. We had been planning a holiday together and were days away from booking when she just disappeared off the face of the earth.
Would you call that simply growing apart?

[Bbbananas]

well, that does put a bit of a different slant on things. Weird. Was that about 6 months ago when she first met hew new guy? When you told her you were hurt by her ignoring you, did she not give you any hint as to why she suddenly disappeared off your horizon?

[MsEVP]

Hi Indie: Sorry for your problem. I am trying to be as objective as I can with your description of you relationship with X. We are all, at one time, inseparable with school-friends. Then, as we mature we tend to go off on different paths, having different goals. Your friend says she was `lazy` to keep up with you. This means, basically, that she found other interests and, possibly, you were too `clingy` for her. Don`t get offended, please, I`m trying to help. I get the impression that she is trying to convey to you that you should have more friends, and be more independent from her. She knows that you`ve had a bad time but doesn`t seem to have much sympathy. Is this because you have been too pessimistic, miserable all the time or unable to pull yourself together? You said that you`ve stopped replying to her but are still expecting a wedding invitation?
OK, you asked a question. If I were in your shoes I`d forget her and gear my life towards other friends, try to have a more positive outlook on life. You get back what you give. Smile, even if you don`t feel like it. You`d be surprised how quickly your life can turn around when you do. Chin up, Indie. Tina xx

[indieanna86]

The holiday planning was back in '06. I did ask her if there was a reason for her disappearing and her response was 'I really don't know, I suppose I just got lazy...'.

But like I said, she managed to stay in touch with her other friends just fine. I'm trying not to sound bitter and angry but it was very upsetting, knowing she didn't have a valid reason for doing it...: (

[888sally888]

I would stick to your true friends and maybe let this one go - it doesnt seem to bring you and joy or support.

Freinds do come and go as you mature - thats life!

[indieanna86]

MsEVP: I think I may have described our relationship wrong if you've come up with that conclusion.

I was in no way clingy and have always had plenty of other friends. But we were best friends, and like all best friends spent quite a bit of time together.

[Bbbananas]

Friends come and go - that is so right - especially at your age. I think you have to let this one go. You will make others. Cheer up and spend time brooding on it x

[888sally888]

Sallabananas - SNAP !! lol

[Bbbananas]

Just to interrupt indie, sorry - hey MsEVP have you decided to come out of the closet and reveal your real name? Ok - then me too - Trina. (So close..... !)

[MsEVP]

OK, Indie, well I`m sorry if I misread the situation. However, there is usually a `valid` reason for everything. I think she just didn`t want to be honest with you. Whatever the reason was. It`s also a fact that sometimes you can just `go off` people. And people are good at holding things in until suddenly, without warning, they can`t do it any more. Look, your friend is only human, with foibles as we all have. You`re hurt and angry now (altho you don`t want to be) but you must make an effort to get out of that state, not a good one to stay in. So, forgive, forget and move on, xx

[Bbbananas]

I was suposed to have said DON'T spend any more time brooding on it - sorry, that may have been misleading.

[Rosetta]

What is there to forgive? All that has happened is that you have drifted apart. Perhaps your end of the relationship was too intense for her, or she has gone on to make other friends and interests. Ok, she might have been a bit insensitive trumpeting her happiness, but why should she pussyfoot around you all the time, her perspective maybe that you should have been more pleased for her.

It does happen with some that other friends get side tracked when a serious boyfriend comes along. When the newness of the boyfriend wears off a bit this might change, who knows.

i would suggest you maintain contact but keep it light and chatty. Be pleased for her that she is happy in a new relationship. This will happen for you too in due course

[4getmenot]

got lazy, sorry but if you were ringing not picking up phone is not lazy... obviously something was up and if she cant tell you then she isnt a friend.

[MsEVP]

Hi Trina, Tina here. Nice to meet you. Honest, I`ve never been in a closet (tho I wouldn`t mind if Clint were there!) It`s just not always appropriate to go first names.

[Bbbananas]

I know - that's why I haven't done up to now. But then I thought bu55er it, there's still no-one that knows me. I think.
And even if there is, there's nothing I've posted on here that isn't the truth or I wouldn't say to anyone personally.

[sunchime]

Hi Indie.

This happened to me a couple of years ago. A friend i had been 'bff' with since junior school dumped me when we were in year 11. A few years ago i kept bumping into her and we agreed to go out for a drink. it felt weird seeing her again after all these years and i felt i had loads of questions to ask her about why she just dumped me as her best mate out of the blue like that. she said she was influenced by other people, but she knew she had made a mistake and that she had missed me. So we had a drink and stuff, but i couldnt help but think about how much she had hurt me all those years ago... she didn't even seem that fazed by it all! and i was supposed to be her best mate!! anyway, now we have left it as it is.... i will meet up with her again no doubt for a drink in a few month's time, but as far as the 'best friend' thing..... sadly i don't think i could trust her not to hurt me again :( which is a shame as i really miss her friendship....... good luck indie. i know how you're feeling and how hard it is. xxx

[Octavius]

This sudden reconnection seems to have coincided with her finding this �wonderful� fella. Perhaps she was jealous that you had relationships or something and now feels like she can gloat. Either way, it seems like you could do without this friend, as it seems to bring you benefit at all.

[sara3]

let it go.. we all have different expectations of friendships and sometimes they just don't run the way we would like.

I have a "friend" like that, and the most recent antic is that, after hearing nothing back for 18 months she pops up again. we go out, she tells me that she's been having an affair for 18 months (why I was ditched!) and is gloriously happy. turns out she only wanted to meet me as she was due to see her brother that evening, and he wasn't well and she didn't want to stay in with her husband! she spent the whole evening talking about Mr Wonderful and must have texted him at least 30 times while we were out.. so rude!

so.. she can go, too!

[sam100]

I don't think this friend is being very straight with you. You dont just stop talking to someone for no reason- it sounds like it was either a really petty reason or she just doesnt have the guts to tell you what it is.

I would, personally, want some sort of reason to know why- especially as you were due to go on holiday together. Its not worth a big confontation as it was ages ago but i still think an explanation might be warranted.

Im naturally a bit suspicious so would question her motives for popping up put of the woodwork.

If you are prepared to have her as a friend and feel you can move on from the past then great. But i dont think you should expect things to be the way they were and also not to expect things to be fine straight away- i think you should approach it as a new friendship and start from the beginning.

In my mind i would always be cautious that she could dissapear off the face of the planet again so i would be reluctant. But if you keep her at a certain distance and just see her as a person to meet up with everyonce in a while then you wont get hurt.

Also nothing is ever one sided..maybe she missed you and is just passing an olive branch at this important time of her life when you consider who is important to you?

Just some suggestions..

Hope it goes OK