Afraid of Losing Friend

[indieanna86]

Hi All,

A few years ago my best friend was in a relationship with a horrible guy. He constantly 'borrowed' money from her with no intention of giving it back, didn't like it if she met up with me without him being there himself, and made no secret of the fact that he thought I was 'fit', even saying it within earshot of her. It got to the point where I saw my friend once a month if I was lucky. When I commented that it would be nice to see her more, or that she shouldn't give him money, she of course took his side, and when he found out what I'd said, things just got worse. He made sure she never saw me, told lies about me and basically made my best friend hate me. This all lead to her not talking to me at all for over a year and I was devestated, I was only looking out for her.

Anyway, after a year of not talking to me, the boyfriend left her for a younger girl. My friend came back to me with a broken heart and dented pride, admitting that I was right all along. Things have been fine since.

A couple of weeks ago however, she tells me they've been in touch over Facebook and have been talking for hours every night. She's now planning on meeting up with him again. I'm just so worried. I've told her I'll have nothing to do with him, she knows I hate him but I'm sure she'll still go ahead with it.
I'm terrified I'm going to lose my best friend again, I'm pretty sure this guy hasn't changed and I don't want her to get hurt, but I'm worried if I start 'badmouthing' him, she'll block me out again.

Reading this back it makes me sound quite selfish, but its more about her happiness than mine, she's guaranteed to get her heart broken again!

Sorry its so long, but if anyone's got some good advice for me I'd be so grateful, thank you!!

[tickledtrout]

I understand how you feel, but I think it may be better if you don't tell her what you think of him. She, at the end of the day knows what he is capable of and as sad as it is she will probably 'shoot the messenger'
I would just let her know that you are there and hope that things do work out for her

[wizard]

Does your friend really think that by trying it again that it will work? From what you've said, I would probably agree with you. It's all going to end in tears. Its so hard when people split up, especially when you cherish someone so much. I think your friend is still in the "missing him" stage but it has been long enough to forget about the bad times and only remember the good times, and he knows it.

I think your friend wants security, and she is only looking as far as her past to find it. She needs to wash her hands of him and start meeting new people. Im sure she has so many qualities, and the sooner she see's this, the more confident she will be with moving forward.

Sorry I can't be more help, good luck.

[froggequene]

If you want to keep her as a friend, keep quiet & if she wants to make the same mistake again, let her get on with it. Some lessons take a long time to learn.

But are you sure you want her as a friend? Your so-called best friend chose her bloke over you, even though he was obviously a creep & only came crawling back because she needed a shoulder to cry on. If she does take up with him again and it's a case of you or him again, are you confident she'll pick you?

[indieanna86]

Thanks for the replies.

Froggequene: That's just it, if she starts seeing him again I know she'll chose him over me. She's the sort of person who gets blinded by 'love' I suppose, nothing else matters except her and her man. But I can't just stop being her friend because she makes bad choices, that would make me just as bad right?

I dunno. I guess I'll just have to sit back, keep my fingers crossed and see what happens for now...

[ChocolatChip]

Indie. I am in a quite similar situation. My best friend is 'dating' a guy who she met on the internet about 3 years ago (I'm not judging internet relatioships, since I had one and it worked out well.) But everytime they go to meet up, he refuses. And the other day she was asked me to go up to stay with him in his house alone. I refuse instantly. I couldn't believe she was going to meet him this way (she is only 17) It is so terribly dangerous.
He has dumped her, called her names, slept with other girls, and just been truly terrible to her. Even though she says 'he's not that bad'.
I have said that it'll end up in tears, as it always does. But she never listens.
But the best way is just to let her get on with it, she'll wake up and smell the coffee (hopefully) and dump him.
This is what I really hope my friend will do anyway.

[froggequene]

I'm not saying you should stop being her friend, friendship isn't a light switch to flip on and off at random when it suits but if your friend hasn't learned first time round maybe second time around she will

We invest a lot in our friendships, sometimes we invest too much emotionally - reread your question, you were wounded by her choice first time round, the anxiety in anticipation of her choice this time is very clear. Perhaps stepping back yourself from this friendship & reassessing might be helpful for you.