what can i do :-(

[lotsafun]

this is a rather long post but i want to give all the details and would really apprieciate your opinions. Basically my 86 year old grandmother was completely abandoned on monday by her own son and daughter so that they can enjoy there holiday. She has dimentia and is crippled with arthritis, angina and many other problems along with them. My auntie moved in with my gran after my grandad died and consequently was appointed as her carer, my nan asked if she can have a holiday and asked if her son, daughter in law and her ''carer'' to come along to which they all agreed. They booked a caravan at a local holiday park and my nan paid for it. Anway they left on saturday and while they were gone some family members and myself decided to go and clean my nans house for her as her ''carer'' is not the most cleanest and hygenic person in the world and the house was filthy. We let ourselves in on monday and to put it bluntly what greeted us was appauling, i can still mentally smell and taste the stench and it still makes me gag thinking of it. The kitchen was disgusting, there was food left out on the worktops still that was rotting, full, used bin bags in the corner, the dirt and grime was shocking, cigerette butts on the worktops, windowsill, sink, floor. I i cant begin to say what was on the floor, tbh i think it was dog poo that had been left over a long period.It was pure filth!!!! We had to completely strip everyhting, its taken 3 of us 3 days to clean it but the dirt was so bad that it still doesnt look to great now. In the living room there was about 4 ashtrays that were full lying around, even the contents of 1 on the floor that had been left, the dust was unbelievable, and my nans chair in the corner was still soaking with urine. continued on next post

[muchlovex]

Your poor nan.

She not being looked after properly, she is being neglected.

I would contact social services. They may be able to provide some help or assist in the caring duties. Has anyone thought about a sheltered housing scheme?
My mother and father in law are about to move into one. They have their own self contained flat and nurses on stand-by should they require any help. There's a restaurant there, laundry rooms, and social sitting room areas for them.
We both organised this as we live far away from them. We contacted the local sheltered housing scheme, we got the contacts from the social services.
No one should be allowed to live in such conditions.
Let us know how she is getting on. x

[New2Quizzes]

I assume you were not a frequent visitor to your nan's.

[bednobs]

hiya lotsafun. Filth like this dosen't happen over a short time so as per the previous poster i assume you are not a frequent visitor. From this perhaps you are not int he best position to judge how they live? it sounds awful, and im sure sure any description you give it on here dosent do justice to how it actually was, but being someones carer is a very very tough job - perhaps the toughest, especially if someone has dementia. your auntie sounds like she's stuggling and could use much more help and respite form these caring family members?

[LoftyLottie]

Like the others I am assuming you are not a frequent visitor to your nan. Does distance preclude you visiting. I think you have done well in cleaning the house and now need to keep a much closer eye on things and I also think you should discuss with the family how you can all help to keep things under control. It is a hard job being a carer, but your Nan shouldn't be living like this.

I would not involve Social Services before you discuss things with the family. But you now need to keep very much involved.

[B00]

I assumed there was another post to come from lotsafun??

[lotsafun]

continued............. Anyway my uncle turns up with my nan when we were cleaning and he put her down in her chair took petrol money from her and casually walked away whilst we were stood there stunned and my nan confused to even why she was home. Not only that but we were thinking how on earth are we going to look after her, we all had jobs and small children between us. 2 of us have managed to get some time off thankfully and were taking it in turns to stay with her but im absolutley dumbfounded that they would just drop her off the way they did. I rang my aunt and asked what the hell was going on and she said she needed a break and that my nan would be ok on her own. There was no food in the house and she had just under £20 to last her till thursday. She has dementia and cant walk unaided, she incontenant and she has to take a number of meds a day, she needs constant care. As my nan was tired we decided it would be best for her to go for a nap in her room, andf waht we found was heartbreaking to see and smell. The overwhelming stench of urine hit us straight away and it hurt to breath with the amonia. In the corner of her room was a makeshift commode (a bucket) that was full to the brim of pee, a black bag full of used nappies that she wears during the day, the bed was falling apart and the bedclothes were undescribable, we threw out the in the end, despite hot washing we still couldnt get the black mould stains out. We found all in all 3 black bags full of unused medication dating back as far as the year 2000, and mounds and mounds of soiled clothes upstairs. Needless to say we have called social services!!!!!! Yesterday though was tough, my nan was extremely nasty to us, although i know its part of her illness i couldnt help but break down from it all. Ive sobbed all night. She lashed out at me and ripped us apart saying how no one cares for her the way her daughter does, how we should all eff off that were all useless, that her daughter is the bes

[LoftyLottie]

Glad now I have read this second part. That you have involved Social Services. Don't feel too hurt or upset about what your nan is saying because this often happens and she must be muddled and confused. Horrible situation, but hopefully Social Services will act. You need to tell them it is urgent.

[Mamyalynne]

You have done the right thing here, clearly your Aunt (the carer) is out of her depth and your Nan needs professional and safe care now,good luck with this nightmare.

[lotsafun]

thing that ever happened to her and the rest of us can go and eff of and die. she wished my children dead, lashed out at me and told me she didnt want me ever at her house again, that she didnt need anyone but her daughter, that shes doing a brilliant job.Its heartbreaking, she just doesnt see wahts going on around her. As a child i remember staying at my nans during the holidays and she used to have so many pretty trinkets in her room and jewellry dripping off her dresser, all thats gone! I have also found out that my aunt and uncle went to see a solisitor about changing her will, this was refused on the grounds that my nan is mentally unwell. They did this behind everyones backs. My nan always seem to be in debt although she never goes out anywhere or can even buy anything for herself. we found a credit card statement saying she owed over £4000 too yet she has been housebound for several years, stuff is missing from the house etc, something is not adding up. Its so distressing to see all this going around her and she has no idea. Social services are due to call tomorrow but we fear that they will be turned away by my uncle and aunt as they have done this before. They have control of every aspect of her life. I dont know what else to do.

[lotsafun]

there coming back from there hols on sat so ive asked for the family to get together and have a talk about this, im worried sick about it all i cant stop crying. I feel guilty because im not a frequent vistor up ther as they would all think it wa ok to smoke infront of my 2 year old and she was coming away from there with the runs most of the time but we had no idea it was THIS bad, i can see why she wss getting ill now. I have gone out and bought her a new bed as she was in desperate need for one and ive also bought a new chair in the room as the last one was beyond saving, i cant afford it but its something that she needed.

[LoftyLottie]

You need to stay firm on this. You need to be there when social services call. I thought your Aunt and Uncle were now away so won't be there tomorrow? Perhaps I haven't understood properly. You also need to make social services aware of the financial situation and what you suspect is happening. Your grandmother must come first in all this. How far away do you live?

[LoftyLottie]

Sorry, but posted before your last bit arrived.

[lotsafun]

i had a mistype, there not coming tomorrow its one day next week. Ive asked them to call me as soon as they know what day they are coming as a few of us want to be there for it. When my aunt in the past has been offered help around the house she has point blanked refused telling us to mind her own buisness and then she gets defensive and starts slagging us off, whickh of course my nan listens to and also gets defensive stateing that were picking on her. One of her daughters have washed her hands completely of them as she was outed by them when she pointed out that the hoiuse was a mess. They have 100% control over her and in my opinion its her that is slowly killing her

[lotsafun]

i live a hour away.

[LoftyLottie]

Not too far then. Keep us posted. This is very sad.

[ummmm]

So before this...how often did you see your Nan?

[lotsafun]

when i lived in the area it was every other day, and then when i went on to have my kids it was less often. They have a ''rule'' you see, you cant smoke infront of babies, well until there about 1 in there eyes and then its fine. Crazy and absurd so therfore i stopped going up unless someone could have the kids for me understandbly. And of course i moved out of the area and started work and what have you etc. The lounge was always messy and there was never a need for anyone to go upstairs and the kitchen was my aunts domain, if someone wass to go out there you would have a row from my aunt really and told to dont be so rude.

[joko]

i expect they refused help because after it got to a certain level of filth she will have been too embarrassed perhaps?

[lotsafun]

i would be too i sippose but what bothers me also is that there are 3 menbers of family who are sat in that house from 9.30- 2.00ish every single day. My uncle, his wife and my aunt 'the carer' so there was absolutley no need at all for it to get in that state at all. I can understand that being a carer is the hardest job in the world especially of some one with a mental illness but it unbelievable that they allow there own mother to live in such conditions like this and also allow her to sit in her own waste all day. If this was a child she would be taken off her in a shot. Does anyone know of any legal technicalities to which if they turn away social services help again can we ''force'' it upon them etc?

[sara3]

was the smoking the only reason you didn't visit? could you not have gone without your child?