What do I say?

[gumboil]

My wonderful mother in law is terminally ill in hospital with pancreatic cancer. The cancer is inoperable and although she's undergone a seven week course of chemotherapy, she's now so poorly that she can't continue with the course. The problem was that she developed a heavy cold during the chemotherapy and her compromised immune system was unable to fight the infection. She's not been told the cancer is terminal.

Her husband is disabled and walks with the aid of walking sticks. Although he can get to the hospital ward to see his wife, he's never been good at understanding nor dealing with illness. He gets very upset each time he sees his wife but insists upon going to visit her. Like his wife, he's unaware of the prognosis..

My wife is also very upset and she and her younger sister do know the prognosis. I just don't know what to say or do to help my father in law and my wife through this. How can I comfort them in this time of need? What do I say to my father-in-law? I just haven't a clue what to do and I'd be grateful for any advice.

thank you so much.

[coccinelle]

There's nothing to say as such just be there when they need to talk and need help. You father-in-law could probably do with some help getting to the hospital and meals etc. At these times being close and available is the best you can do.
Try to stay cheery for your mother-in-law though it'll be hard.
I'm really sorry for your family it'll be a sad and anxious time for you all.

[Mosaic]

A very difficult time all round. My experience of terminally ill relatives has been that medical care doesn't leave them in pain, from which you might draw some comfort. I think all you can do is keep supporting, bring tissues for your father in law and flowers / pretty things for his wife. It won't be easy, it never is at times like this, but it will pass. see if you can do anything practical for your father in law like shopping or laundry - I'm not trying to assume any gender roles or dah-di-dah, just know from experience that the simple daily things can be greatly appreciated at times like this.
Also, please remember to look after yourself physically and mentally and stop beating yourself up, you are doing nothing but good.
Big hugs and bear up over the coming weeks.

[bednobs]

is there a reason that your m-i-l hasn't been told she has a terminal condition?

[bimbo123456]

What a terrible thing to be going through. Just be there and listen. Hugging is good too. You could try ringing Macmillan they have a dedicated helpline which is free they might be able to recommend some leaflets for you. xx

[gumboil]

bednobs, it's because she has been the victim of a number of medical blunders during her married life. These involve misdiagnosis and the loss of a child full-term because the consultant obstetrician failed to attend the birth despite his promises and knowledge of difficulties with previous births.

She has never wished to know the sordid details of any illness she's had. In this case, she was initially diagnosed with a bowel tumour following an endoscopic examination to diagnose the cause of unexplained iron-deficiency anaemia. She was reassured by the Gastroenterological surgeon that he had removed "hundreds of malignant tumours" from patients successfully. However, following a cat scan ordered by another surgeon, it was found that the growth in the bowel actually originated in the pancreas and had grown through the bowel wall. This changed everything.

As a result of the cat scan measurements, it was estimated that she had seven weeks to live if she began chemotherapy immediately but this information was only disclosed as a family member more or less confronted the consultant. The effect was devastating and we knew she would not be able come to terms with this so it was not disclosed to her. Chemotherapy began three weeks after this diagnosis and she' s now survived some fourteen weeks against all odds.

I can never convey the regret over the foolish decision to ask about her likely lifespan that day. It's created immense and unimaginable grief and torment for those of us in the know ever since and I wish the clock could be turned back.

[gumboil]

One of the major problems we have now is that we've been told by the hospital that the Macmillan Nurses will only attend to her at home if she knows she's terminally ill. Neither she nor my father-in-law is sufficiently strong enough mentally, physically and emotionally to take this informationon-board right now. My father-in-law is already sobbing daily because she's unwell and in hospital and he doesn't know the half of it.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

[Mamyalynne]

Is she likely to be discharged, if so then you may have little option but to tell her and father in law. That way at least they will get the help they need.

If it seems she will end her days in hospital, then just keep being reassuring as oyou are, very difficult.

[ttfn]

Gumboil, sorry to hear of your family situation. This is a difficult time for all concerned and so much depends upon the circumstances of your MIL & FIL - I assume they have their own home? My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I asked the doctors to not tell her. They agreed to this, provided that she did not ask them herself - in which case they would have told her. I brought her home and did not tell anyone else in the family for a while. My father was severely disabled and had lost his mother to cancer when he was but a very young boy. I nursed my mother at her home. Eventually I told the family one by one of the prognosis. My mother and I never discussed the point but towards the end of her life she knew the truth. In the event she only survived a fraction of the time the hospital had suggested she might have left. This is a very hard question to answer - for none of us is the same in our personality/character and strength. I think things have to take their course and be dealt with on a daily basis. IMO the important thing is to talk to each member of the family singly, giving enough time to try and let things sink in, answer questions and put forward suggestions as calmly as possible to alleviate fears as best as can be handled. The support each one gives to others is tremendously important - it can be a heavy burden to leave to one or two. In my mother's case there was no involvement with MacMillan nursing, but the family GP and hospital doctors and nurses were all fantastic and fully supportive. I do send you my best wishes and hope that my answer may help a little.

[PancreaticCancer]

You can call Pancreatic Cancer UK on 0203 177 1686. We have an oncological and chemotherapy nurse on staff who provides support to families in situations such as this. She can advise you on what questions to ask so you know what options are available to you and your mother-in-law.

[ummmm]

Nothing really you can say. Just be understanding...even when they're old it still hurts the same so lot's of emotional support will be needed.

My Nan and Grandad are both in hospital at the moment - Unlikely they will get out.... :-((

[tigwig]

I have personally been through your situation and like your MIL, NHS negligence was the reason too. Like others have said you dont have to say certain things at this time just be there for them and help as much as you can. It is a terrible time but you will get through it. I do think that maybe your FIL needs to know the full situation as keeping it from him now may make it worse in the future. I would speak to one of the professionals too, they will be able to give you very good advice. Take care.