Follow on from post in relationships and dating

[dinkleboo]

A few of you may remember my recent post about my selfish partner and how I ended the relationship as he was always out, chasing his dreams and that I felt lonely in the relationship. Its been nearly 2 weeks and we have had no contact. I was feeling fairly ok about it until we spoke last night. He has confessed that he doesnt like or believe in himself and that he feels he doesnt know who he is, which is what I thought anyway, however it is an explanation to why he has told me in the past that he has to be good at something! I dont know how to deal with this there are a lot of problems arising from his lack of self esteem, ie, he is pursuing goals to make himself feel better, I am left on the backburner, I told him that I need to feel secure, contented and cared for,all of those things I dont get from him because of the above.....dont know how to deal with any of it, any advice good or bad would be appreciated.

[4getmenot]

he needs to be happy in himself a mo whereas you want someone there all the time to complete you,maybe you are the one that should start concentrating on yourself, its very difficult to be in a relationship untill you are happy in yourself otherwise you will always need and be relying on another person which doesnt always work.

[dinkleboo]

I dont need somewhere there 24/7, I believe in myself and know who I am, just want to be settled with someone, not have someone leaving me on my own all the time...thats not a relationship in my eyes. Thanks for your answer

[IggyB]

sorry to echo the very sensible response given by 4getmenot but your post does leave me feeling that you too may have an issue with the need for someone else to make your life "right" - whilst it is very important for your partner to love and support you that is a two way street and whilst i have not read any of your earlier posts you seem to be asking how to encourage your partner and boost his self esteem whilst also keeping him under control and only focused on you - which is of course not possible or a very health thing to aim for

[dinkleboo]

Thankyou, may I suggest that you read my other post, I dont need him to make my life right, I just believe there are certain roles in a relationship, and I have said it is healthy to have interests outside of the relationship, but his take over his life, he nev er actually sits down with me till aprox ten at night and wants to go away (abroad) doing gigs, but has not once been abroad with me...I just think its wrong!!!

[4getmenot]

im just saying that coz you sound very much like me 6 years ago. I needed a bloke and he did his own stuff, we grew apart in the end, i then found me and then someone came along that loved that me, he is not my other half, he is my added bonus :-)

[4getmenot]

from your second reply it seems you both want different things.

[China Doll]

I think you should carry on being split up. He didn't say anything about changing and you've already stated what you want from a parther, hence, it's not going to work so there's nothing to deal with really. I'd probably ask him not to contact me for at least a month, I wouldn't see the point.

[boxtops]

I've read your other post now, dinkleboo. He's not ready to settle down, he's leading the single life - but more to try to find himself than to spite you. Imagine you did have a child together, with this pattern, guess who'd be lumbered with all the looking-after? He's not ready to settle down. He knows his own problems, it's good that he's admitted it - if anything, he needs to go to see his GP and ask for some counselling. Most GPs have independent counsellors these days and they can really help sort out issues like low self-esteem, etc. He needs to find himself and be happy in his own skin.
If I were you - I'd move on.
My OH is away a lot on work, and we have separate interests, but we know that the core of our relationship is sound and we are both content being on our own regularly. This isn't the same, you are obviously resentful and he's not going to change. You won't get what you are looking for - move on.

[dinkleboo]

Thankyou for your answers, he did say that he will only run at weekends,just to stay fit, and to stop the races and being competative, which is a start, however he wants to do the gigs and I do have a problem with it, I spoke to a good friend of mine, who said that she thought, its not the gigs that are the problem, its my lack of trust in him, which unfortuanely he has put there, he has never cheated on me, but done things that have made me feel uncomfortable. Oh there are too many issues going on here, I dont know if I can deal with it, he has suggested counselling as a couple, I just want to be happy! :o(

[boxtops]

That sounds positive, dinky - he wants to make it work. Why don't you give that a try then, if you want to? - go and see Relate, they are excellent at dealing with relationship problems as well as many other aspects of life. Worth a try, if you want to do that. It's up to you!

[dinkleboo]

Thanks boxtops, we do love eachother, and the chemistry between us is good,maybe its what we are going to have to do, to overcome both our insecurities and move on together, as a solid couple, thanks again x

[dinkleboo]

I dont expect him to give up anything, what I expect is a balance, some compromise.....red helen I suggest you read my other post before making such a statement!

[Quassia]

Hi dinkleboo, hope things work out for you! http://www.theanswerb.../Question1010303.html

[dinkleboo]

Thankyou for the link....bless you x

[cazzz1975]

in life people rarely change, if this is how it is then you may have to accept it or move on. I would hate to control someones life to a point where it makes them unhappy

[4getmenot]

think you've hit nail on the head with the word 'trust' if you trusted him i dont think his hobbies would bother you. I hope it does work but it needs you to trust him that is the most important thing in a relationship and in my opinion above love. Keep us posted. X

[ilovemarkb]

I think there has to be a balance for a relationship to work! I think 5 years down the line you,ll be asking us the same question again. I don't think he is dedicated!. Personally i think you would be better off without him ! (i,ve been in a similar situation)I used to defend him to my family! Couldn't bare to go through all that cr-p again. !!! keep us updated dinkleboo xx (bet he constantly has your tummy in knots) NOT GOOD!!

[dinkleboo]

Thanks all, ive made a decision to leave things as they are, I spoke with him today and have outlined what the problems are, im under the impression that because we spoke yesterday, he thinks he has me where he wants me and isnt taking anything seriously...I have been infuriated by him today, and very upset,by his ignorance towards my feelings. Its finished now, for good, ive been all over the place for to long, its tiring and draining

[ilovemarkb]

i think you have done the right thing! things might seem a bit Sugar at the min, but things will get better ! xxx