Arghhh!!!

[fliptheswitch]

As above. I'm feeling a tad stressed, and need to let it out!

There's been lots going on in my family recently, and the new one is my sister sending her son away to boarding school... which has gone down like a lead balloon.
Oh, I don't really know where to start with it all, as so much has happened this year.
She lost her husband, late summer, and the eldest child has been playing up recently, as in misbehaving. We all say this is probably a "cry for help", and his way of dealing with his emotions. We've suggested she seeks professional help (we've all tried, but it's gone beyond that) and maybe arranges for him to see a counselor, but she's having none of it.
She turned to Islam a few years ago, and plans on sending him to a Muslim boarding school next year. They way she speaks about it, it sounds more of a prison, than a school! My poor parents are worried sick, and really don't want him to go. She says it's her choice (which it obviously is) and that he's going whether he likes it or not. She said she can't handle him, and that if he's like this now, "imagine what he's going to be like when he's 15". (He's 11, by the way).
I just spoke to her on the phone, as my Mum said she's been really down. I tried to speak to her about her husbands passing, and how she's feeling, but all she wants to speak about is religion and this new boarding school thing.
I ended up hanging up. I know that's awful, and I feel really bad, but I try to tell her I'm not interested in Islam, but she doesn't listen.

My parents are now sick with worry, as they don't believe her son, their grandchild, wants to go and that she is "forcing" him.
I even said to my sister that, if she's having trouble with him, why doesn't she let him come and stay with me and my children for a while. She said no. Apparently he needs to be around "the brothers" and have a Muslim education.
My parents aren't even allowed to speak to him on the phone, so they can't speak to him about it, and ask what he thinks.

So they have any "rights" with this kind of thing? Can she make him go, even if he doesn't want to, or would the grandparents get a say in it, if push came to shove?

I hate, hate, hate asking this kind of thing on here, as I always worry one of my family members could see it.
However, I'm asking this with the best intentions at heart, and I just want to try and help my parents out with their worry and concern.

Thanks.

[fliptheswitch]

...And, I hate it when you re-read things, and realise you've made lots of spelling/typo mistakes :-(

Sorry!

[grasscarp]

There probably isnt much you can do as she is the parent. Are you going to see him/her over Christmas or the holiday before the term starts. Presumably the grandparents are not being cut out of his life altogether so should be allowed to see him. They would also be able to write to him at the school and maybe have him to stay with them sometimes. Hopefully the boy will make some friends and even like the school. Hard to say, but you need to keep channels open for the boys sake.

[daffy654]

I understand your concern for your nephew. If the boy doesn't want to be a Muslim then sending him to a Muslim faith school will do him a lot of harm. I'm not even sure the school would accept a non-believer anyway.
Have you thought about consulting social services over the matter, or your parents seeking legal advice on behalf of the boy?

[bednobs]

i don't think there is anything they can do. At 11 his mum is the best one to decide what's right for him

[ummmm]

I don't think there is much they can do about it :-(

Her religion might be her barrier she's hiding behind. I don't really know what to say, but, grief does strange things to people :-( xx

[DTCwordfan]

I sympathise with your position, flip, but there is not much you can do, I suspect, nor your parents, presuming your sister to be of fair and rational mind (largely). The rearing and education of her son is hers.

Imagine the boot on the other foot. I know it isn't easy.

All I can say is that I hope that there is someone on here who has genuine direct or indirect experience over this and can help advise on how best to steer you and your family around this and to convince her not to follow the "chosen route."

[Mamyalynne]

This is a hugely difficult time for all the family, in truth it is of course her decision - surely she is still grieving deeply for her husband and this is not the time to make sweeping changes.

My personal view as a mother and grandmother is that at aged 11, the young boy should at least be allowed to say how he feels about all this. I am presuming his schooling has been mainstream up till now??

[starone]

I know grandparents can obtain visitation rights but it means going to court and that might cost quite a lot of money. Social Services might be able to help and usually if the courts become involved they will judge on what is the best for the child. Might be worth a try, especially if they can prove she is irrational.

[fliptheswitch]

We're going to see them in the new year, but that's about it. She won't even let them come and stay any more, as she wants them to be around people who are Muslims. My sister tried to speak to him on the phone the other day, as he said he wanted to tell her something, but my sister (his mother) took the phone away from him, so he wasn't able to say whatever it was that was on his mind.
I do think he "believes" but I don't believe for one minute that he'd want to be sent away to a boarding school, away from his brothers and sister. I don't think the religion in the issue with him, just being packed off to boarding school.
I hear what you're saying, in that she's the best one to decide what is right for him... though I can't help but feel she's taking the easy option.
She says she can't cope with him, so sending him away will be "good for all concerned". I don't think that's a good reason to send a child away :-(

As suggested, I too think it's the grief she's going through. I just wish she'd realise we are all here for her, and she doesn't need to turn to the "brothers" and "sisters" :-(

Thanks. x

[daffy654]

There are plenty of things that can be attempted here. The main problem being it will probably cause unhealable (is that a word?) fractures in the family.
The wants and needs of the boy are paramount here and he needs to be consulted on what it is that he wants. Without knowing that it is difficult to advise properly.

Your parents could still see a family law solicitor to see if there are any options open to them.

[firewatch]

do you know who her immam is? perhaps go and speak to them and express your concerns, and use the phrase a pillar of your family when it comes to your brother in law and say you doubt it would have been his intention to send him away. Immams hold a lot of sway with people. hope she soon listensx

[grasscarp]

She cant change who his relatives are, or decide, arbitrarily that nobody outside of Muslims can mix with him. That is wholly unfair to the child. I would seek an intemediary as suggested such as social services as what you are saying now is showing that she is being irrational.

[fliptheswitch]

Thanks all. Sorry, I just needed to have a bit of a rant. Good old Answerbank, huh.

Yes, he has been going to mainstream school up until now. This has all come about because she feels she can't cope with him, which I think is understandable in her situation. BUT... she needs to realise she's not the only one suffering. She has four little'un's who are also feeling the pain, and I just don't think sending him away will do either him nor her any favors.

I will mention this to my parents, though I'm not sure how far they'd actually go. I can't see them ever contacting social services, as he's not in any danger... it's just a religious thing I suppose.

Thanks again. I'm going to listen to some music, and try and wind down.

xx

[cupid04]

I can only imagine what you are going through . I have a grandson who is only
a year younger and I'd miss him like crazy if he went to boarding school.
The child has only just lost his Dad and it must feel that his mum is
abandoning him also.Is she being pressured by her late husband's family into
sending her son away? I was in the first year of the seniors when I lost my
mum and I got away with murder at school. I realised much later that my dad
had been up the school to make sure allowances were made for me.
Have you a family member that will talk to her and tell her not to be so hasty
in making such decisions whilst she is obviously grieving herself. Her young
son needs her now more than ever. I hope she changes her mind for her
son's sake and for peace of mind for the rest of the family. Cupid04.xxx

[fliptheswitch]

Just quickly, before I do go... the whole "Imman" thing is a bit of a sore subject.
Basically, he's been hanging around her since her husband passed away, and is always at the house... even though they can't be in the same room??
Anyway, we think he's had a lot to do with all this, as he's always telling my nephew that he "must respect his mother" and "obey her".

Arghh, it makes my blood boil!!! :-(

Going to go now. Thanks all. x

[bednobs]

what's wrong with people respecting their mothers? Or 11 year olds obeying their mothers?
a lot has been said on this thread about her being irrational etc. However, just because one doesn't agree with a certain course of action, doesn't mean the person proposing it isn't rational!
Nobody even knows if the boy agrees or not, he may well want to go.
if a parent can't cope with a child, and the child is running out of control (as the post seems to suggest) then i don't see what's necessarily wrong with getting some discipline via a boarding school - surely that is better than letting a child turn into a hooligan. Many parents put their children in boarding school for all sorts of reasons

[fliptheswitch]

Bednobs, sorry... I will have to disagree with you here.

"if a parent can't cope with a child, and the child is running out of control (as the post seems to suggest) then i don't see what's necessarily wrong with getting some discipline via a boarding school".

He's not running out of control. He's not setting fires to cars, or stealing from shops. He's just throwing tantrums when he doesn't get his own way... like most kids his age.
Packing a child off to boarding school because you can't cope is a terrible thing... in my opinion. You shouldn't have children if that's what you're going to do.

[daffy654]

I don't agree with sending your children off to boarding school at all, why have children if you intend to ship them off to be looked after by someone else in term time?

This appears to be an 11 year old child who is acting out a little, possibly due to the recent death of his dad. He needs the love of his family in my opinion, not to be removed from the family and placed in a strange environment.

[fliptheswitch]

Daffy... absolutely!!! :-) xx

[Teddy_boy]

Surely her husband must have thought being a muslim was all right?The only change since his death is the boarding school , which many people send their children to in the uk.Around 100,000 children attend boarding schools in England and theres been research to suggest boarding school can help vulnerable children.This could possibly be a very good thing for the boy?