Good Joke?

[Scullywoo]

Go on, tell me one??!

[soozmac]

Q - what's the difference between a highland cow and Simply Red?

A - a highland cow has the horns at the front and the a*sehole at the back.

[ICEMANSAV]

Michael Jackson is in his hotel room, discussing his case with his lawyer.

After a few hours, his lawyer says to him:

"We need to relax and take our minds off things, how about I go rent a DVD?"

"That's a good idea," says Michael in his squeaky voice.

"Shall I get Aladdin?"

"No, just the DVD, I'm already in enough trouble."

[ICEMANSAV]

A mother and her son were flying Aer Lingus from Dublin to Heathrow. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't Big planes have baby planes?". The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Aer Lingus always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

[natalie_1982]

Why do girls wear make up and perfume?

Because they're ugly and they smell.

(that was on behalf of my younger brother)

[Bob A Job]

I went to the doctors with a carrot in one ear and peas stuck up my nose.....

 

 

 

 

He told me i wasn't eating properly!!!!!!!!!

[hopalong]

After Princes Charles and Camilla got married they spent the first marred night at Buckingham Palace.
Next morning at breakfast, Princes Philip said to Camilla that he got up several times during the night to go to the toilet and to passed their bedroom.  He said he was surprised at how quite it was concidering if was their night.  Ahhhh said Camilla   my mother said I must never talk with my mouth full.

[Mowbray]

I must say that these jokes are sooooo funny!!!!

Bob a Job's was the funniest!!!!!!!!!

Ta for the laugh

[Bob A Job]

Whats the difference betwenn and egg, a carpet and a crumpet.

 

 

You can beat an egg, you can beat a carpet, But you cant beat a bit of crumpet!

[Bob A Job]

I haven't spoke to my wife in 5 years.

 

 

its rude to interrupt.

[jno]

Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum and it hurts!

Don't worry, I'll give you some cream to put on it.

[Bob A Job]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barman says. 'Is this some kind of joke?'

[Scullywoo]

Excellent... Keep em coming!!

Man goes to his local GP "doctor, sometimes I feel like a teepee and I sometimes feel like a wigwam...".  The doctor replies "relax man, your just two tents"!!!

[Englishbird]

A motorway walks into a pub, goes up to the bar and orders a pint.  He's just about to take a sip when a piece of Tarmac walks in.

The motorway panics! he jumps over the bar and crouches down, hiding from the piece of tarmac.

The Barman looks down at him and says " what are you doing??"

"You're a motorway! you've got six lanes and two hard shoulders, why on earth are you afraid of a piece of tarmac"

The motor ways says "Ah - you don't know him like I do - he's a cylcepath!"

[MargeB]

What's the motto of the french navy?

"To the water, it is time"

(dink bout it).

[Scullywoo]

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, it's starting to rain and the top is down!!!!

[BigDogsWang]

Blonde theme continues:

Two blondes walking down the street. One finds a mirror on the floor, picks it up and says "'ere Sharon, I recognise this girl"

Sharon grabs the mirror, looks at it and says "course you do, It's me!!"

Simply Red theme continues:

Mick Hucknall has been arrested for attempted beastiality with a rabbit. He was caught Holding Back the Ears, but the Bunny was Too Tight To Mention.

[Chillum]

Two polos sitting at the bar when a tic-tac walks in. One polo turns to the other and says, "Watch out for this boy, he's efffin' menthol".

[ck1]

An english man, Irish man and Chinese man get a job on a building site, the foreman meets them in the yard and gives them their orders for the day "English Man, I want you to sweep the yard so its ready to build a house on", "but I don't have a broom" replies the english man, "right, Chinese man, you're in charge of supplies" says the foreman "and Irish man, I want you to load that 2 ton pile of sand into the back of this truck" "but I dont have a shovel" replies the Irish man "right, Chines man, you're in charge of supplies". So the forman goes off and leaves the eager men to their tasks, apart from the Chinese man who is nowhere to be seen. Lunchtime arrives and the forman returns to see an unswept yard and an untouched pile of sand, but no Chinese man. "So men, what have you been doing all day" "well, we couldn't do anything, we have no brooms and no shovels" "well wheres the chinese man, he was supposed to be in charge of supplies???" at this point the men heard giggling coming from the behind the sand, then the chinese man jumps out laughing and shouting "supplies, supplies"

[BobbyLove01]

Two blokes have been best buds for years. but since they both got married they only go out once a month for a good drink. So saturday arrive and they go out for a drink anyways after a few pints they both want to get a curry so off they go. They have the works, The lot everything you can think of, and more drinks with the meal. Anyways they both want more drink so they go back to the pub. The pints are flowing then the shots get ordered. On drinking the 1st shot one fella is sick all down his own shirt " oh no my wife brought this for me she is going to kill me!!" the second fella says " dont worry stick �20 in your top pocket and say to her someone else did it and he gave you the money to get it dry cleaned. "nice one mate I will" So they carry on getting smashed. Anyways the bell goes and off they both go holding eachother up. they get home his mate go's in and the other with the sick on his shirt go's home to his wife who is waiting up from him. "WHAT TIME DO YOU CALL THIS AND WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ON YOUR SHIRT". "I can explain love i swear" as he is trying to hold himself up "this fella was walking past in the pub and was sick on me. If you dont believe me look in my top pocket and there is �20 he gave me to get it dry cleaned" so she walks up to him and gingerly pulls out the money and counts it "hang on there is �40 in here" she said "Oh yeah I forgot to tell you he had a s**t in me pants as well"

 

Thanks