Feeling down and lost

[ChocolatChip]

Please be nice to me, I'm feeling really down and ill. Even though I know in my own head I'm being stupid and should just get over myself but I'm really finding it hard.
I've wanted children for as long as I can remember, and a few months ago it suddenly felt like someone was bashing me over the head with my biological clock. I am still young, and I know that I shouldn't feel this way or some just put it out of my mind, but I can't escape how much I want to start a family.
I have hobbies, I volunteer with children. I try my hardest to put it out of my head, but I am literally consumed by it. It is my first thought in the morning and last at night. I even dream about it most nights!
I've just completed my second year at university, and I am average at best. I feel like I will never be able to make anything of myself in a career. But I know that I should complete my final year before having kids.
My husband and I tried to make a list of things we should do before having children, and at first I was motivated. But now I feel miserable at the thought.

I feel there is no one I can talk to about how I feel, no friends or family that would understand. I feel like this huge weight is around my neck everyday, and I am so lost and down with it.
It's not really much of a question, but it was nice just to write it down for someone to read.

[China Doll]

Sounds like you're rather down, perhaps a trip to GP or something? Help you out of the fog a bit. You're obviously focusing too much on one thing in your life and it's probably not massively healthy.

Also, a child being the be all and end all of your life would be a rather massive expectation to lay on a child and indeed yourself.

I'd probably start with having a chat with your husband and going from there. You do sound rather down in the dumps, and it is very easy when feeling like that to focus in on something specific.

[emmie]

you need to speak with your husband about this, he is the one that can help, and at least then it's two to share the problem, not just you.

[ChocolatChip]

Thanks China, you're probably right. I've suffered on and off with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. I've been through many different treatments and will improve for 6 months and take a massive decline.

[ChocolatChip]

Thanks em10, my husband knows that I feel this way, ( probably should've said that, he's the only one who does)
He really wants children as well, particularly since he's a few more years older than me. He just says its my body and he'd be happy to start anytime. However, he finds it very hard when I get down and ends up getting frustrated.

[emmie]

do get help from a doctor if you haven't already, i am usually against being medicated for depression, but it can help. Been there so to speak.

[Kiki-frog]

Oh I'm sorry, you do sound really down. I can remember a couple of friends going through something similar and how miserable they were.

As others have said, you really do need to talk to your husband about this. After all, he's going to be involved in any baby-making and child-rearing.

And perhaps you could start looking at your circumstances, your home, your lifestyle, your finances, your family and friendships, and think about how you can make your world the best possible one to bring another human life into. If you're a student now, that's far from ideal. Is one year such a long time to wait?

[ChocolatChip]

Thank Kiki-frog, I know somewhere in my head that a year is not a long time. But the way I feel at the moment, days seem to last forever. And I've got 5 months summer from university now, which I can't seem to find a job for.
What's more, I have also applied for a placement next year, which I have an interview for on Wednesday. If I get it, it will mean another 2 years.
I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Stuck between getting the best chances of a half decent career prospect or starting a family this time next year.

[ChocolatChip]

I just wish I could get it out of my head. It feels like this thick fog, I can't concentrate on anything. I need to focus on working on my interview but just can't face it.

[bednobs]

if you both want children, i don't understand what's preventing you from trying now. Babies take 9 months to appear anyway and who knows if you'll get pg straight away? Studies can always be finished later.
And em, your post really made me lol

[ChocolatChip]

Thanks for your reply Bednobs. We're not really in a good financially situation to do so, we have a house and a mortgage, bills etc doesn't leave much at the end of the month. We have enough for the 2 of us, but I'm worried that we don't have enough right now.
I'd also want my children to have the best life possible and have nice things, just like I did when I was a child. I don't want to deprive them of anything, just because it was what I wanted.
My husband is hopefully going to be promoted at the end of the year which could mean we'd be a bit better off.
I also have my dissertation to do this year coming, which would worry me if I couldn't complete it. My family would be very angry if I didn't complete my degree, and I know I should do what I want. But my family mean a lot to me, and I'd hate to disappoint them through giving up my university.

[tiggerblue10]

I do feel for you ChocolateChip but like Bednobs says, is there anything preventing you from gettig pregnant medically or is it that your husband thinks you want you to finish your studies before trying for a family. As the others have said, you really need to speak with him x

[ChocolatChip]

Thanks Tigger, my husband does know how I feel, and he's happy to start when I am. We have had unprotected sex a few times, and I'm always really disappointed when I get my period 2 weeks later.
But I don't think over the next few months (at least) that I could get pregnant as this is when my dissertation would be due to be completed, and I would like to get that done and out of the way.
I have thought about trying around October time, as this would mean the baby would be due after I'd complete my degree.

[tiggerblue10]

Sorry, I posted before your last post.

Yes, wait until you complete your dissertation which I would imagine would be stressful enough and being stressed doesn't help when you're trying to conceive x

[Kiki-frog]

CC - the "thick fog" thing does sound like depression. It really would be a good idea to talk to your doctor. Especially as depression is something you've experienced before. I don't want to sound harsh, but if you are really depressed, then you're not going to be able to give a new baby the absolute devotion and attention that it needs. Here's a plan:

1. See the doctor as soon as possible after the Bank Holiday, and get whatever medication, counselling, psychiatric support, etc, that you and the doc together decide is necessary to clear the fog.
2. Talk it over with your husband. Again. And talk through the practicalities of money, time, family support and all the other things that play a part in having a baby. Work out a coping strategy together. Your husband just saying that it's your body and he'd be happy to start any time just isn't good enough in this instance, I'm afraid. Having a child is a joint project.
3. Take a long hard look at your circumstances, and see how you can make them as ideal as possible for having a child. Is your physical health as good as it could be? Is your home suitable for a baby to live in? Do you have anyone around who could help help you with a new baby? Does your university have childcare provision should you want to take up your course again? Do you have the dosh to buy all the bits and pieces that a baby will need? If not, what can you do about it?

Sorry, I know I'm sounding like a right dragon, but these are all important considerations, and really do need to be addressed before you get on to
Point 4 of the strategy. The fun bit!

[ChocolatChip]

Thanks for listening though everyone, it's so difficult. I can physically feel heartache, as pathetic as that might sound. I feel jealous of pregnant friends and family and those who have children. I try to get involved with them as much as I can, but they want to have their time with their children and partners. And most of them have very private lives so I can't get involved.
I don't think they'd understand if I tried to tell them how I feel. They'd just think that I didn't know what I was saying, or suggest I'm lucky that I'm not in their position.

[bednobs]

sounds to me you need to work out what's MOST important. I get that you have conflicting priorities, but if finishing you diss is the most important, fine, if getting pg is the most important, try to do that

[4getmenot]

your problem is you're trying to plan your life and you are building a perfect picture in your head. In which case you will always be dissapointed. There is never a right or wrong time for a child. You just accomodate. And a child just needs love and a happy home. What happens when you plan to have a child after exams and then you cant get pregnant for years. Im speaking from experience. Nothing in life goes as planned. X

[ChocolatChip]

No,Kiki-frog. What you're saying is what I need. As hard as it is to hear a lot of the time.
I will go to my doctors, although I really don't want to go through all the psychiatric help again. I feel like I've done it all and I don't know what else I'm meant to do/take.
My husband often just says 'we'll cope'. He's really rubbish when it comes to things like this, he's just like 'well, this is what you want and what I want, so lets just do it'. I feel like he doesn't understand that it's a big commitment, although I've tried to explain.
My physical health is not bad, I don't smoke, drink, do drugs. I exercise occasionally, although probably eat too much Chocolate (if you couldn't tell by the name)!
Our home is pretty good, would like a new bathroom, but that's more for cosmetic reasons over anything else.
My family would come around, my mother desperately wants to be a grandmother (regularly talks about it, but then will stop and shout 'but not yet!!!'). And I have a very close family unit of about 5.
The university nursery is full and has a big waiting list, so I wouldn't be able to use it, and probably wouldn't anyway. Some people are able to talk their children into the lectures etc, and most of the work is online, so it is not essential to turn up all the time.
Money would be a push, but as I said my husband should be promoted at the end of this year, and we would not be well off, but comfortable enough for me not to work for a couple of years. We also have a lot of family and friend with babies who are a few months old, and I'm sure we could buy or borrow items off them.

[ChocolatChip]

4getmenot and bednobs, I agree with you both. I am struggling to decide what is the best. Between what I should do and what I want to do.
I have always been a perfectionist, and want to plan ahead all the time, a previous psychotherapist suggested that I struggle with unexpected situations, and although I have improved, I am far from perfect (ironically!)
4getmenot, this is also a concern of mine. As my mother took 7/8 years to concieve me, I'm not sure I could cope with that!

[4getmenot]

read your last post to yourself, i think you need to see someone, you are looking way too much into things.