Feeling down and lost

[ChocolatChip]

Please be nice to me, I'm feeling really down and ill. Even though I know in my own head I'm being stupid and should just get over myself but I'm really finding it hard.
I've wanted children for as long as I can remember, and a few months ago it suddenly felt like someone was bashing me over the head with my biological clock. I am still young, and I know that I shouldn't feel this way or some just put it out of my mind, but I can't escape how much I want to start a family.
I have hobbies, I volunteer with children. I try my hardest to put it out of my head, but I am literally consumed by it. It is my first thought in the morning and last at night. I even dream about it most nights!
I've just completed my second year at university, and I am average at best. I feel like I will never be able to make anything of myself in a career. But I know that I should complete my final year before having kids.
My husband and I tried to make a list of things we should do before having children, and at first I was motivated. But now I feel miserable at the thought.

I feel there is no one I can talk to about how I feel, no friends or family that would understand. I feel like this huge weight is around my neck everyday, and I am so lost and down with it.
It's not really much of a question, but it was nice just to write it down for someone to read.

[ChocolatChip]

Which post sorry 4get?

[bednobs]

hi cc, i feel a bit sorry for your hb you tell him all you want to do is have kids and it's making you miserable, so he says "well let's have them then" and you turn him down!
If he's getting a promotion at the end of the year, even if you got pregnant today, your baby wouldn't be here till after then.
I suppose i have a different look on things as it took me 9 years of trying to get pregnANT (by which time i was 36) then suffered a stillbirth and then my next child died the day after birth. I am now nearly 39 and have just given birth again to a child who is poorly in special care - after 11 years of wanting a baby i still haven't brought my baby home.

[tonyav]

Sorry to hear that bednobs, I hope that you have your baby home with you soon.

[ChocolatChip]

I am so sorry Bednobs, that is truly awful.You must think I'm a terrible person for being so silly over something like this.
Also you said the exact same thing that my husband says to me, about pretty much going round in circles, wanting to have a baby, he agrees and then I snatch it away and being upset about it. I can understand how annoying that must be for him, but I'm not sure how else to handle it?
I think that I will probably wait until around christmas time to start trying, because at least I know that my degree will be completely finished by then. My husband and I will have had more time as a couple, should be in a better position financially and it will gove me time to get some help.

[ChocolatChip]

Sorry, should've also said. I agree with tonyav. I really hope that you get to bring your baby home very soon. All the best to you and your partner!

[bednobs]

don't be silly - you are not terrible person for wanting what you want!
all i am saying is if you wait for an "ideal" time to trt to get pregnant, something will always come along. If you count ideal as financially stable, good job, studies finished, then i would say the majority of babies are born in less than ideal circumstances!

[friedgreentomato]

May i ask how old you are?

[ChocolatChip]

Thanks bednobs, I agree. It seems most babies are concieved by accident, and they cope okay. I will have to give it some more thought, and see about maybe getting some help.
Fried, I am 21 years old.

[friedgreentomato]

OK whilst I sympathise with you at 21 I think you still have some growing up to do before considering children.

You mention that your husband is older - how much older? how long have you been married?

[ChocolatChip]

quite possibly Fried.
My husband is 28 years old and we have been married for 2 years.

[friedgreentomato]

I feel that you would be better off waiting until after uni finishes - you married at 19 which is awfully young - even if it does take you some time to concieve you will still only be 30.

Children does not maketh the person, I would love children but if it happens it happend if it doesn't it doesn't - I more than a mother and I feel that you are trying to live your life through others all the time instead of living your life for you!

[ChocolatChip]

I guess so fried, although I've always wanted to be a mother. I enjoy what I do now, but it's difficult when you know what you want to do.
In what way are you suggesting living my life for me? That's not me being rude, I simply don't understand what you mean.

[friedgreentomato]

OK so when you live at home your parents bend your life, when you married you became a duo and your husband bends your life, you are still young and still being at uni your at not getting a chance to be your own person to shake off the rules, the schools the daughter the wife and be you before beconing a mother!

[tinkerbell23]

I think it makes sense to finish uni first hun.....

What if you and the hubby plan it out for the next while untill uni is over, if you had something to look forward too it would keep you going i think....xxxxxx

[ChocolatChip]

But surely, you can never escape the rules. As when I finishing being a student, I'll an employee. So on so forth...

[4getmenot]

everybody can be an employee and still be happy in themselves. You are looking at life in a way that you need all these other things to be happy. Be happy in yourself.

[ChocolatChip]

But that's not as simple as it sounds is it? I've never felt that way.

[friedgreentomato]

forget explained it better than I did!!

you are looking for it all at once - life is not like that!

[ChocolatChip]

Okay, I understand that. But then what am I supposed to do to change how I feel?

[4getmenot]

No it isnt simple but you have to try. To me it sounds like you are doing all these things to make yourself hap. You probably havent even tried to just look at you and be happy with life as it is. x