Quizzes & Puzzles4 mins ago
Destroyed by married man
67 Answers
I have read with great interest a number of posts concerning relationships with married men, and I agree with all of them.
However, I am on the brink of desperation regarding my situation.
After 2 years it is obvious he wasn't going to leave his wife or commit, and the past year has been a series of rows between us. He wanted to stay for the children, but wouldn't commit to me on any level, except to say he and his wife lead separate lives, separate bedrooms, ad nauseum, and that they would never get back together, ever.
Two weeks ago, after another bad patch he was silent for many days, before texting to say it was no longer fair to keep me caged and trapped, and that we must both find happiness now.
He has ended it with me so often I took little notice, but was so fed up with it all myself that I deleted his number.
8 days later, his boss (with whom I work remotely) emailed to express amazement that married man had decided to make another go of it with his wife. It was, of course, the first I'd heard of it. The floor fell from beneath me. It's not the fact that they are back together, despite his constant bitching and hatred towards her, but that he didn't have the guts to tell me.
I have emailed him a very short email to that effect, and have heard nothing back from him, no explanation, nothing.
I am due at a big social event tonight and I want to run away crying. I'm not sure I can ever get over this betrayal. I have been used by him for his own means - to chat when he's down, for support, advice, money (not so much sex, we never met up very often as I hated the double life) - and now I've been thrown on the bonfire when they decide to reunite.
Please don't tell me to keep busy. I've been busier than ever and I feel no better.
However, I am on the brink of desperation regarding my situation.
After 2 years it is obvious he wasn't going to leave his wife or commit, and the past year has been a series of rows between us. He wanted to stay for the children, but wouldn't commit to me on any level, except to say he and his wife lead separate lives, separate bedrooms, ad nauseum, and that they would never get back together, ever.
Two weeks ago, after another bad patch he was silent for many days, before texting to say it was no longer fair to keep me caged and trapped, and that we must both find happiness now.
He has ended it with me so often I took little notice, but was so fed up with it all myself that I deleted his number.
8 days later, his boss (with whom I work remotely) emailed to express amazement that married man had decided to make another go of it with his wife. It was, of course, the first I'd heard of it. The floor fell from beneath me. It's not the fact that they are back together, despite his constant bitching and hatred towards her, but that he didn't have the guts to tell me.
I have emailed him a very short email to that effect, and have heard nothing back from him, no explanation, nothing.
I am due at a big social event tonight and I want to run away crying. I'm not sure I can ever get over this betrayal. I have been used by him for his own means - to chat when he's down, for support, advice, money (not so much sex, we never met up very often as I hated the double life) - and now I've been thrown on the bonfire when they decide to reunite.
Please don't tell me to keep busy. I've been busier than ever and I feel no better.
Answers
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Lauren - why do you beat yourself up
because you had the courage to love
gave all of yourself in hopes that he was the one
Why do you beat yourself up
When it was his choice to be unfaithful
His choice to hurt you - or were you unfaithful too
Why do you beat yourself up
Knowing that you had done everything for him
supported him, counselled comforted him,
loved him more than you loved yourself
Why after his lies and deceit
do you still love him? and want him to love you
Why after the repeat of hurt and trust being lost
do you think that he deserves a love as pure as yours
Why do you beat yourself up
over what you could have done better
when you know deep down there was nothing
What makes you search here on AB for answers as to why
when they will not change the past
Nor mend your broken heart
Why when a man decides to cheat do you women blame yourselves?
why does it make us question every little detail about who we are
Make us think that we are not worthy of love
Why when a man cheats do you still long for him to change
Realise how wrong he was, and fall in love with us again
Why do you beat yourself up
When you deserve more
When all that you have done is loved someone completely
Give yourself time and the pain will subside
and the mourning will cease
You will see that you are still you
Still wonderful, beautiful you
Nothing has changed except your experience in love
And your determination to share love with another
As you can never truly love someone until you learn to love yourself
Lauren - try someone truly single or divorced the next time round
because you had the courage to love
gave all of yourself in hopes that he was the one
Why do you beat yourself up
When it was his choice to be unfaithful
His choice to hurt you - or were you unfaithful too
Why do you beat yourself up
Knowing that you had done everything for him
supported him, counselled comforted him,
loved him more than you loved yourself
Why after his lies and deceit
do you still love him? and want him to love you
Why after the repeat of hurt and trust being lost
do you think that he deserves a love as pure as yours
Why do you beat yourself up
over what you could have done better
when you know deep down there was nothing
What makes you search here on AB for answers as to why
when they will not change the past
Nor mend your broken heart
Why when a man decides to cheat do you women blame yourselves?
why does it make us question every little detail about who we are
Make us think that we are not worthy of love
Why when a man cheats do you still long for him to change
Realise how wrong he was, and fall in love with us again
Why do you beat yourself up
When you deserve more
When all that you have done is loved someone completely
Give yourself time and the pain will subside
and the mourning will cease
You will see that you are still you
Still wonderful, beautiful you
Nothing has changed except your experience in love
And your determination to share love with another
As you can never truly love someone until you learn to love yourself
Lauren - try someone truly single or divorced the next time round
best rule of thumb... if they don't leave within the heat of the initial lust/infatuation phase
They rarely do
mistresses often make it too easy for them by being available as and when and settling for second best...
Lifes full of hard lessons...learn from it move on and if you find yourself wandering down the same path over someone else think back to how you feel now... and don't expect things will turn out differently.
A married man I once dabbled with many years ago when I was young and stupid said he'd leave ... I said no we call a halt now if you want to leave her leave for yourself...live on your own for 6 months then phone me..if you still want to... I expect they are still married.... never heard from him..
They rarely do
mistresses often make it too easy for them by being available as and when and settling for second best...
Lifes full of hard lessons...learn from it move on and if you find yourself wandering down the same path over someone else think back to how you feel now... and don't expect things will turn out differently.
A married man I once dabbled with many years ago when I was young and stupid said he'd leave ... I said no we call a halt now if you want to leave her leave for yourself...live on your own for 6 months then phone me..if you still want to... I expect they are still married.... never heard from him..
proved he wasn't serious in his protestations of love and devotion.... he just wanted the easy jump into another home.... If he found someone else good for him... I preferred the no strings once in a while itch scratching sort of thing but that was because of the previously discussed issues with my own marriage
rowan.....you and other woman know that the man is married but still the affair takes off.......... excitement of forbidden sex......nothing like it..........something new.
Now...husbands DO leave their wives for their lovers....many do....so there is always a chance for the mistress and they hang onto this hope.
BUT when it goes wrong and he decides not to leave his wife, then the mistress must just remember the good times and realise that she accepted and played the hand that she was dealt.
Now...husbands DO leave their wives for their lovers....many do....so there is always a chance for the mistress and they hang onto this hope.
BUT when it goes wrong and he decides not to leave his wife, then the mistress must just remember the good times and realise that she accepted and played the hand that she was dealt.
This man is not destrying you. You are allowing the circumstances to do that by the way you are interacting with them.
Firstly, take the power and control in the situation. You are not a victim. Nothing he is going to do is going to change the circumstances. Only you can do that.
Once you accept this you can move on.
Firstly, take the power and control in the situation. You are not a victim. Nothing he is going to do is going to change the circumstances. Only you can do that.
Once you accept this you can move on.
Even if you were so unfortunate to have him leave his wife (and children) and marry you, would the thought never cross your mind (after the new has worn off) that he wouldn't cheat on you... or conversely, that he wouldn't wonder if you'd cheat on him with another married man?
You've made your bed so to speak...
You've made your bed so to speak...
Thank you for all your answers, and for the lovely poem DTCrosswordFan. I had to laugh about keeping the jewels...I was the one giving HIM the money (I know, I know...) and have today written to him to ask for it back, as he accepted it under false circumstances. I feel a lot stronger today and thank you all so much for helping me get there xx
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