Boyfriend.......

[floss85]

Im moving in with my boyfriend on Monday and I have been so looking forward to it. The only thing is, he really isn't that bothered.

Before we got together - he used to send me flowers etc, he used to be the most caring and lovable person in the world - to the point where sometimes it would annoy me because he seemed too nice (I never told him that though!) 

Over the last month he hasnt seemed interested in any part of our relationship (sex included). In my experience with my exes as soon as that happens they are seeing someone else or will end it.

Ive tried talking to him but he doesnt think he's any different - but everyone has noticed it.

Will I be making a bit mistake on Monday?

[andy hughes]

In a word - yes. You have bad vibes about the way tyhings are, and the way they are going, you need to get this sorted before such a massive commitment as moving in with him. You must sit down and talk to him, and make sure he talks to you. There may be an explanation - maybe one you don;t want to hear, but you need to know before you progress in any form of relationship. If things work out, then you will know if it's right to move in - doubts = no, simple as that.

[destiny26]

i sympathise i really do, i am going through something along those lines at present where i have a gut instinct that something is occurring but have no way of of knowing or proving anything. But from past experience i would say that your gut instinct is never far from the truth.  have to be honest i wouldnt risk it either, you need to feel security and stability before taking such a big step. Try talking to him though first before throwing it all away

[LoungeLizard]

How do your plans for the future compare to your boyfriend's plans for the future?

If you want a future together then that will help you both work through the inevitable ups and downs of relationships.  

[Suzysue]

Maybe you should delay your moving in with him? In my experience once someone knows they've 'got you' then they begin to take you for granted... By saying you've changed you're mind (for the time being) it may help him to liven up his attitude towards your relationship. In order to prevent this happening in any relationship you must never make the other person assume they 'own you' otherwise their efforts will drop. Take steps to play a bit hard to get, and then see his reaction.   

[mullein1]

dont do it..as it will end in tears try to talk to him and if that doesnt get through then put space between you..sending flowers means nothing its just a gesture of someone trying to make out they are mr nice..it never lasts..at the end of the day floss85 if you have these problems now before you make the commitment then its highly likely that things will get worse..tell him you have changed your mind for now dont sound over keen.and grovelling ..dont give him the satisfaction of that..if he genuinely wants the relationship to work then he will be shocked at your decision not to move in and will make effort..he may just be scared that you are moving in and its pressure on him ..but its not fair on you to move in its going nowhere and you have to move out again..best of luck

[Mistopheles]

The decline in the romance is disappointing but fairly normal, as is the sex decline. It doesn't automatically mean that he's about to run off with someone else!

However, I fully agree with everyone above - moving in is a big step. If you've got doubts, take note of them, and put it off until you are sure.

[floss85]

I still dont know what to do. We woke up this morning and I didnt even get a cuddle before I left for work (he used to wake me up at 3am just to give me a cuddle). We will lose so much money that we've saved if I decide not to move in.

Im so confused!

[butter1]

I think what Suzysue says is so right.  I started taking my boyfriend for granted.  He chased me at the beginning of our relationship and then things reversed and I started chasing him.  Then once I knew I had him I changed...he told me that he was upset by it and I realised what I was doing.  Things are alot better now we have spoken about it and I realise I was hurting him.  Try really talking to him, I really do think you need to put things on hold until you know where you are.  You might loose some money now, but if you move in and things don't worry out you would have lost double the amount of money.  take care. x

[penona]

Okay, hold you horses.

It could be two reason here. Firstly, yes he could be seeing someone. In which case, don't move in with him. The other reason could simply mean you guys have passed the honeymoon period, and is settling to real life. Couples who stay together for a long time, will from time to time neglect and take the other party for granted. It is very difficult to sustain that high level of care, and attention to someone all the time. Maybe he's going through a stressful period, maybe he's just scared of moving in together...but is there any other indication that he is seeing someone else, ie. Is he taking calls away from you, is he looking after his appearance more, you see less of him.

Also, bear in mind, that once you move in together, he will find it even more difficult to try and pull a fast one, like if he's always out, etc. So to be honest, if he is seeing someone, he would of said he doesn't want to move in together.

[floss85]

He hasne been having any 'secret' calls but there are a few times where he will get a text really late and said its just a friend - that seems a bit 'fishy' but Im not sure If Im just looking into it too much?

I just rang him and told him we need to talk and he cam back with 'is it because you think Ive been taking you for granted?!' So if he knows he has - why is he doing it?

[Lindy Loo]

Hiya floss85... I can understand your concerns very well. I'd go along with all that has been said so far, but talking is really the only option before you go ahead and move in together.

It could be any number of things that are causing stress and anxiety for your boyfriend. What ever it is, it needs to be sorted out before Monday. Ok you'll loose money if the move doesn't happen, but not as much as you would should you decide that the relationship is not working once you are living together.

Take care and good luck.

[thebigchill]

Speaking as a guy here floss, you need to ask him the simplest question straight out. "Are you really sure you want to move in together?". Make sure he knows that this is his last chance to back out and (even if it isn't true) that if he doesn't want to do it, you appreciate his honesty. If you want the truth from a guy in a situation like this you have to play dirty. Make him feel safe and comfortable, and tell him that you'll still be there if he says no, and then....well, then when you've got your answer you can take it from there.

God i feel like such a traitor.

[jkkerr]

Don't give up!!

Maybe your boyfriend is just scared of how your relationship will change when you are living together.

You are bound to have your own concerns (ie general worries about living with a partner rather than those listed above), so why not wait until you are both relaxed (sitting down, fed, watered etc!) and voice one of your own concerns?  For example, 'I hope I don't turn into a couch potato.  I want us to keep our individuality but also keep going out together, doing fun things, seeing films' etc.

You might find that by starting the conversation yourself, he will feel more comfortable about voicing his own doubts.

Whatever happens, being happy but poor for a while is better than having a lovely home in which you are miserable.

Good Luck, I hope it works out.

[thebigchill]

Hi floss, just wondering how you got on?

[floss85]

Hi thebigchill thanks for asking!

We moved in on Monday!!

Very unstressful! And I think I was worrying over nothing. Since Monday, everything is back to how it has always been (perfect - if there is such a thing!)

He apologised and said it was because he was so stressed about the 'move' and how it would change us as a couple.

We've spoken, and we're now back on track and very much enjoying living together!! Thanks again for your concern!

 

Floss xxx

[thebigchill]

Awww, bless! Happy to hear you've sorted it out! xxx