Am I Right To Be Feeling This Way?

[renegadefm]

Ok this is delicate because I've never experienced it and need sensible answers. 

 

My eldest daughter who is now 20 has been studying in UNI at London, and was soon to finish her courses, and the plan was or so I thought to come back to us in Cornwall soon. 

But on her current Christmas visit, which I cherish as the past 3 years I've hardly seen her, she announced shes got a boyfriend who lives in London, actually Wimbledon. 

Obviously I embraced her and said congratulations and that I am very happy for you both. 

But as a Dad part of me thinks am I slowly losing my daughter rather than gaining her back to me. 

Of course I am happy for her, and would never dream of standing in her way, but I feel I've patiently been waiting all this time to look forward to having her back in Cornwall, I'm now not so sure as she might use London as her permanent residence. 

Am I being selfish? I can't help how I feel, obviously I want my siblings to be fairly near me, not so far that seeing her is only Christmas or birthdays.

I'm aware theres nothing I can do but is this normal to be so worried that I really am losing close contact with my daughter. I'm not getting any younger myself at 55. I was looking forward to her coming home 😭

[ToraToraTora]

she has her own life, let her live it. You can't expect her to live nearby all the time. Frome experience they go where circumstances and relationships take them. It's easier than ever to stay in contact these days.

[renegadefm]

ToraToraTora, 

I get that, but I was trying to say the past 3 years have been painful not having her around other than term breaks. 

I been constantly waiting for her courses to end so she can be back home. 

I don't think this is now going to happen, and her life now will be forever away from me. 

It sounds selfish, but whats wrong with a Dad wanting to have their siblings near them. 

Especially as I have patiently been waiting for 3 years for her to come home. 

Imagine my how my heart sank when she announced yesterday she has a serious boyfriend in London. 

Obviously I am happy for her, but why does my heart say Im going to continue to miss her. 

Besides the past 3 years, I don't think she video called me once. How will that improve? 

[bluefortress]

I don't have kids but thought Id comment anyway.
 

I think its normal to feel as you do expecially if you were placing a lot of hope on her returning to your home. 
 

However she is developing her own life and rather than focus on the sad parts maybe work on turning your feelings into a positive - you have raised an independent kid with a healthy desire to develop a life of her own.
 

Of course your need to see her is important too so maybe arrange regular catchups with her- lunch or coffee etc. Or to engage in a shared hobby together. 
 

It sounds like you are somewhat still going through the enpty nest syndrome phase maybe have a read of this it has some coping stratagies on too

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/conditions/empty-nest-syndrome?amp

[scorpiojo]

What 3T said.

Perhaps you could go up to London see her, or video call her.

Are your siblings living nearby?

[ToraToraTora]

I normally would not comment on this sort of thing but I think you should stop saying "sibling" when you mean child/offspring.

[renegadefm]

Can I just add, its the distance the is hurting me. 

Cornwall to London is at least 4 or 5 hours drive, plus I don't drive that far, never have, so it would mean a train journey. 

But I do tend to think that would be a rare occurrence due to work restraints of my own, or expense. 

I was looking forward to just popping round, regularly, not having to make it a big chunk of a weekend or something. 

Not sure if I'm making sense. 

This has been hard for my heart to bare, as I really was hinging my hopes for over 3 years that she would come back to me and stay local. 

Sounds selfish doesn't it? 

[renegadefm]

scorpiojo, 

Video calling isn't the same thing. 

Besides in the 3 years shes been at UNI shes always been too busy to video call. Trust me I have tried. 

[bluefortress]

Nah its not selfish just a reflection of how much you care about her. I mean most parents go through this at some point. Nothings permanent she could move closer to you in the future you never know. You can't change the situation but you can change your persepective and how you cope. 
 

[bednobs]

The hardest thing about being a parent is letting go

[renegadefm]

bednobs, 

Thing is I let go when she went to Uni 3 years ago, and it hurt me then, I had loads of sleepless nights crying. 

Its as if I have to adjust to not having her come home at all, or at least that's how I see it. 

Obviously the guy shes met in London is well established there, hes dabbled in making movies, so I can't see them moving to Cornwall. 

Its just not how I viewed having Children at all, that they would one day not be around. 

I've always been around my own parents, and visited a few times in a week. 

How can this happen with the distance of Cornwall to London? 

[bhg481]

Your job as a dad has been to train her to grow up to be an independent person, to be able to stand on her own feet and meet what the world throws at her - it sounds like you've succeeded. Have no fear, you'll always be her dad and she'll always be a Cornish girl at heart but, as you did all those years ago, she's found someone her own age that she wants to be with. She's not abandoning you, you just have to  learn to share her. If you get too possessive you might lose her altogether.

[barry1010]

How's her mother coping?

At least your daughter is still in the country, a train ride away.  Two of mine worked abroad for a few years, I didn't expect them to come back.

[Maydup]

Empty nesting is a tough time and often hits around your age. I did it to my parents and moved a fair distance away from home.  My advice is to take the lead in keeping in touch. Go to London for a weekend in February. Book a holiday in Surrey or Sussex for May/June and ask your daughter to pencil the dates in her diary so that you can get together while you're there. 
It will and can work, if you are prepared to work at it. Also time to think about how you can develop the next stage in your life as your children start theirs.

[DDIL]

Are there jobs in Cornwall for her?

Is she your daughter or sibling as you seem to be confusing them!

You have to let her go and make her own way, to try and dissuade her would be selfish.

[pastafreak]

My daughter also made the move from home in Plymouth to university in London. She did her Masters, took a year off to move to Australia for a year with her BF for his job, came back and did her PhD in London.

Except for a few summers working in Plymouth, she's never been back to stay. I never expected her to.

Her experiences made her a strong and independent woman. She's career minded and until WFH became a thing, she'd not have found much work down here.

In the early days I took the bus or train to London as I dont drive...stayed in some grotty shared houses.(doubt her father made that effort!)That made me worry...then I remembered some places I lived in! 

You've got to let your children fly free, it's part of the cycle of life. It will happen again with your younger children if you've prepared them for that growth, which you obviously have with your eldest. As for losing contact, if your relationship is good, you need not worry. But, you'll need to make an effort. If you've got WhatsApp, that's a free and cheap way to keep in touch.

I notice you said you've always been around your own parents...but that's not so much the way anymore. As a resident of Cornwall in particular, surely you know it's one of the poorest areas of the UK with little prospect for young people. It's economy is based on tourism and agriculture. 

[Old_Geezer]

I'd imagine it's a common enough natural reaction. But you know offspring do need to run their own life eventually. If the bond is strong then there should be sufficient contact; in the meanwhile it is a case of accepting what one can not (reasonably) change. Good luck with it.

[renegadefm]

Thanks guys, I think my problem is I pinned my hopes on that once she finished UNI she could be the author shes desiring to be and studying towards, that she could do all this from home and wouldn't need to do that from London.

But of course I'm happy for her, and would never show her how I really feel. 

Thanks again 👍

[maggiebee]

I've always believed in the old saying "If you love someone set them free."  Nothing can change the fact that she is your daughter and of course you care about her and want to see more of her. Be happy for her and keep in close touch - you will never lose her.

[Canary42]

What's this "gaining her back" nonsense ? To be brutal, young birds fly the nest, get used to it. 

If you continue with the over-possessive attitude she will possibly drift further away.

And for goodness stop thinking you're old at 55.  I'm tempted to end with Get a Life, but perhaps that's  bit too harsh.

[renegadefm]

pastafreak, 

Didn't realise your only up the road from me. 

My partner is from Plymouth.