Please Help Me

[proudmary]

Hi, my husband joined an online mental health forum quite some time ago I has helped him and he has helped others, he made some friendships on line, one of his online friends was visiting our area so they met for coffee even though she is female I was ok with that, they met again a few days later but I wasn't invited and that stung a bit, he said it was because he wanted to keep forum friends and family separate. He then had a huge phone bill which he said was the internet and the odd call to this lady, my radar picked up at this point, a few weeks later he lost his job in part because he was seen on CCTV at 4.45 a.m. talking on the phone for an hour, when I asked him about it he said he had been on the phone to her but it wasn't an hour (she sleeps during the day), next morning I got up and his Ipad was on the floor with a message on the front screen from her saying I love you - no reply from him. I was very upset and told him I didn't think it was appropriate that another woman was sending him messages saying she loved him, his reply was that I tell my friends I love them, this is true but I would never tell another man I loved them. During the course of the argument he told me that after five months she knows more about him that I ever will, that really hurt so I told him to f off (I know I shouldn't have), he has now left but is blaming me saying I should have believed him when he said there was nothing going on and perhaps I should have (I think I do really) but I was so hurt, this pain is unbearable. Please can I have some help here? Was I right to be upset, did I over react, please help me sort this out in my head x

[jno]

agree with boxtops: pleading with him to come home makes you feel bad and him feel good.

No, I'd have reacted the same way.

[boxtops]

It's not his home any more, mary - he forfeited that when he betrayed his wife and child. Has he been in touch today?

[cassa333]

For goodness sake of course he is saying it is your fault for not believing him and asking him to go. That is his get out clause so that he could leave with a clear path. He is a lier and wants to be seen as the hurt party and save face.

When he tells you it's your fault say NO IT ISN'T. IT IS YOUR FAULT. Then explain because he was not being honest and how he made this happen by his secretive actions etc etc.


He won't come back unless something happens in his new life that shows he was better off with you (ie his new woman isn't what he wants or chucks him out). He has used your word as an excuse for his and you will not win this argument.

You may be in pain now and want him back but if he does he will do it again and it will still be your fault and you will then have no one to blame but yourself.

If you have no self respect, beg and grovel till you wear him down and he comes back but he will always know you are a pushover and he can do whatever he likes.

[beckersjay]

Proudmary, I don't believe you over-reacted - the reaction was natural. I'm just afraid that some of the contributors may have over-reacted. It's so hard to judge when you don't know the people or all the circumstances. I would say, now the initial shock has passed, go with your heart rather than with the advice of outsiders. You alone know your man and whether this is all a sign of his seeking help for an emotional or psychological problem out of his control or if it really a sign of unfaithfulness. I wish you all the best in reaching the decision that is right for you both.

[boxtops]

.. I do agree with beckersjay, we can only go so far in putting ourselves in your shoes - but whatever happens, don't be a doormat. You need to take responsibility for yourself now, and stop blaming yourself. None of this is your fault.

[cassa333]

He knows exactly what he is doing and that is manipulating you into thinking you are in the wrong. Because it gives him a clear way out.

If he truely wasn't (at the very least) emotionaly attached to this other woman he would have tried harder to make things better with you. When you asked him back and admitted you may have over reacted he could have negotiated his return. As it is he has made it clear you are to blame even going so far as to say the other woman knows more about him than you. What clearer message do you need?

He has paved the way to take things further with this woman and unless that falls through he will keep blaming you.

When he does take it further it will still be your fault for pushing him away.

The harsh reality is, if he is inocent of all charges he would want to come back home.

[Scarlett]

YOu were quite right to do everything you did. He is being really insensitive. Even if nothing was going on, the lady in question clearly wants his attention, and he is married- and it's not really appropriate. Yes he likes her and they have stuff in common, but it is you he is married to. He is just being flattered by her attention. Let him go. He needs to appreciate you, his wife, who has stood by and supported him. He will probably go to this woman now for sympathy and she will boost his ego by giving him attention. But really- what sort of relationship would they have if she sleeps during the day and seems to be as needy as he is?!Let them get on with it. It won't last.