Was I Abused?

[nobodyhere]

I'm a 15 year old girl. When I was 7 i was followed home by a car. After the man stepped out and until I was home, everything is in a blackout. I ran straight in the shower and cried my eyes out, scrubbing something of my skin. Since then I have been very scared of being alone, around men, being alone, being touched by people and that kind of things. I have trouble sleeping and staying asleep, get nightmares and wake up scared in the middle of night and Im afraid of the darkness.
After that I sometimes made my toys do sexual things and I've had this thought of being dominated by a man ever since that happened. I have social anxiety and I'm suicidal.
I do not like my body, and I have this empty feeling deep inside me and I always feel unclean. I often got scared at night and went to my parents bed mid night until I was around 10.
I dont know what's wrong with me, I feel horrable but I don't want to live like this anymore. What could it be?
Additional Details
I'm sorry for how I write. I'm not a native english speaker. Please understand that it's not easy to write this so I'm not thinking much of how the text is set up.

[pixie373]

Who knows about this? Have you told your parents?

[boxtops]

where did this happen, in your home? have you been able to tell your mum? if not, show her this question.... writing it down can be easier, especially after such a long time. Good for you, that you want to get to grips with it now.

If you still want to keep it anonymous for a while, you can always ring ChildLine who have people on the other end of the phone who will understand. Ring 0800 1111. It's free.

[bednobs]

i think the answer to your question is impossible to know. Were you abused? maybe Do your social anxiety/mental health problems cause you to not like your body/get scared? Maybe
If you can't remeber what happened, there is no way of knowing the answer

[Peter Pedant]

You should talk to someone you trust - such as a parent or a teacher - or even your doctor or practice nurse.

[evilly]

I may be being completely stupid here but could you go to the doctor to see if you have had sexual intercourse? I believe there is a difference between a virgin female and one who has had sex. I would speak to your doctor about this too. Is there no way you could have simply fallen asleep? It would be awful to let this experience affect you if that is all that happened. I hope you find some answers and healing from someone with a bit more knowledge on the subject.

[RATTER15]

I wont offer much advice as I am not qualified but I really think you need to seek professional help or you may live under this cloud for the rest of you life.

Good luck.

[murraymints]

you should see a psychiatrist through your GP.. perhaps regression by hypnosis will unlock your mind then you can deal with it..with help...

[Kassee]

Evilly, does that really matter, finding out whether intercourse has taken place or not ? Some of the worse sexual abuse can take place without there being intercourse.

Nobodyhere, everything you describe probably related to something having happened to you. Something that is very, very traumatic can be blocked out of your mind, you cant remember because you have blocked it out. None of this is your fault, but now you must go and get help. Go to Childline, or a Rape Crisis Centre (which deals with all sorts of sexual abuse). You may not have been raped but something happened that scared the life out of you enough for you to blank it out. Go and get help, before this destroys your life.