I Have A Dilema That I Hopr Abers Can Help Me With...........

[Jeza]

Before my son died he had only lived with his girl friend for about 10 weeks, and had only been seeing her for about 6 months. He moved in to her rented accommodation with her.
Since he died in 2009 she is always asking us to pay some bill or another which we have done.
When Mic became ill and we were advised that we would have to pay full care costs I told her that this would have to stop. I still pay her bedroom tax of £11 odd a week and I sent her £150 at Christmas.

Today I received flowers for Mothers Day. I know I have to ring and thank her, but I also know she will tell me how she couldn't really afford them as she has this, that, and the other bills to pay. I know this is trying to guilt trip me in to paying them.

Please tell me how you would deal with this.

[Mamyalynne]

Thank her very much for the flowers and say how they brightened your day.

If she starts to reel off monetary matters, simply say 'times are hard for everyone aren't they' - she is very lucky you have been so generous in my mind.

[pixie373]

I would ring and thank her, but if she brings up any finance problems, say-yes, i know, I'm in the same position at the moment. Don't offer any more money or financial help. It was very generous of you to help her out, but i think you've more than done your bit. She could be offering you a little support now? I'm sorry you lost your son- i hadn't known xx

[pixie373]

Cross-posted- but similar!

[grasscarp]

I would ring and thank her. She really should not say she couldnt afford them. If she does, just say, Well in that case maybe you shouldnt have bought them. But you did and I think they are lovely.
You must stop letting her manipulate you.

[zebo]

I personally think you have been more than kind and generous to her, I assume from your post that there were no children involved. I would phone her to thank her for the flowers but if she mentions the bills sympathise that things are very hard for us all at the moment but I wouldn't let myself be wheedled into paying anything else. She had the accommodation before your son moved in, so how did she manage then?

[Mamyalynne]

I sense some agreement here. :-)

[WELSHYORKIE]

I agree with what's been said, Jeza, but why are you still paying her bedroom tax so long after your son's passing? Is it not time she stood on her own 2 feet and dealt with her own finances and not rely on you, particularly as you have expensive care to pay for? Please forgive me if this sounds a bit harsh, but your needs must come first.

[maggiebee]

You obviously have a very big heart Jeza but why are you still paying this girl 5 years after your son's death? It won't be easy, but I feel you need to be strong. Your priority must be Mic and yourself and maybe she needs to stand on her own feet now.

[vulcan42]

I would write to her rather then phone, explaining how your life has changed, It's much harder to say no on the phone.

[dannyk13]

I agree with all that has been said, but I do feel that perhaps you are being taken advantage of.

[Jeza]

Thanks for your input. I do feel taken advantage of. It's not as if she is a young girl, she's about 43 ish. She has 2 daughters who are both married and live near her. I don't thank heavens.

[weecalf]

Ring her up thank her for flowers ,mention that you are taking them a gesture of thanks for all your kindness to her and wish her every happiness in the future .

[2sp_]

I agree with Vulcan. I would write her a thank you letter and let her know how difficult things are for you at the moment. Hopefully she will take the hint and stop taking advantage of your grief and good nature.

If she still tries to guilt trip you into giving her money, I'm afraid you will just have to be blunt with her. You have done far more than many could or would. Time for her to stand on her own two feet.

[Jeza]

Not harsh at all WY. When the bedroom tax came in she told me she would have to move. Her words were "*** and I were so happy here and I have so many memories" that's when I decided to pay it.

[pixie373]

She will still have her memories. She is old enough to look after herself, though.

[WELSHYORKIE]

Jeza - I agree with pixie - her daughters should be helping her out if she is having difficulty. My late mam had a saying 'charity begins at home - look after what's yours and let others look after themselves'

[Jeza]

I think I have made a decision. I will send her £100 and tell her the gravy train/cash cow has shut up shop. No more money including no more bedroom tax. I think she will be calling me a lot more than a cow.

[dannyk13]

Only if she is a total ingrate Jeza

[2sp_]

I think you are right to stop supporting her financially, Jeza. And I think you are being more than generous by sending her £100 too.

I'm sure she won't be happy, but you need to put your and Mic's needs first. She'll just have to get on with it herself from now on.

xx

[Mamyalynne]

I also agree the housing top up should stop, I would inform her that you can only pay it for 4 more weeks then it will cease.


This has become a habit and she needs to wake up now, wasn't just she who lost, you did too and now you have a lot more to contend with.