Allegiance

[cameliaheartfelt]

I keep putting off writing to a friend, a pen friend of many years actually. I am wanting to empathise with her after she told me that her husband had an affair and actually found them in bed together. My husband had an affair and we have stayed together. My friend is now separated. The thing is should I keep quiet about what happened to us as I have an allegiance to my husband don't I and surely it's no one else's business? Or do I tell her my experiences and then she may think we are stupid for staying together? She has never met my husband, she lives abroad and we probably won't see each other anyway though would love to meet her one day. As we are married should I be respectful to my husband by not telling anyone? I know the poor girl was heartbroken and want to empathise with her. What would you do?

[black_cat51]

didn't your husband owe an allegiance to you first?

[rockyracoon]

Only tell her if you're comfortable doing so, and as you say, you have your husband to consider. Will it make her feel better, will it make you feel better? You can offer support without having to tell her anything.

Personally I'd say nothing, but then I'm not one to confide at all

[cameliaheartfelt]

Yes black cat he probably did but that's not the question. The reason(s) for an affair are many and varied as are for staying together afterwards. This has been discussed many times.

[ummmm]

No, it's not anyone else's business but that doesn't mean you can't talk about it.

[Sqad]

Oh! Dear...your husband had an affair........what an unusual state of affairs.

If it would make you feel better, superior and perhaps and somehow vituous, then yes, tell her of your experiences.

I am sure that it wouldn't bother your husband either way.

[Sqad]

Virtuous.

[cameliaheartfelt]

Why would it make me feel superior and virtuous Sqad? I really don't understand your comment, it's nothing to gloat about after all.

[Mamyalynne]

I think, as you are getting on with your life and hers is in pieces- it wouldn't help to tell her.

So keep the discussion around her problems and how she can move on.

[Sqad]

camelia

\\\\\Why would it make me feel superior and virtuous Sqad? \\\

I didn't say that "it WOULD", I said "IF it would.

[cameliaheartfelt]

'If' I were to tell her Sqad then why do you think it should make me feel this way?

[woofgang]

Tell if you want to, not if you don't. If you have decided to stay with your husband and make it work, how will it make hime feel if you tell?

Sqad. shut up.

[Sqad]

camelia.........having been on this type of thread for many years, you get a sense of how the female mind works, which isn't always the same as the male psyche.
It could come over as .."Look how he treated me....I put him in his place.......this is how you deal with the situation.".....and so on.

You seem to have sorted your problem.....leave it at that.

[marybelle]

Be there for your friend, don't discuss your own business as it can sound as though you have gone there before her (which I realise you have, but she won't want to hear that). Sympathise without being judgemental and be there for her if she needs to pour her heart out to someone. Also, don't make any remarks about her husband, they might just get back together sometime in the future and she could remember what you had said about him at this time. Only writing this from having been through the same thing myself.

[Old_Geezer]

I would have thought one could emphasis with another without feeling a need to divulge personal private information. Otherwise no one could emphasise with folk unless they had already gone through something similar, and I do not accept that for a moment.

Not only may your partner have issues with it, thus reopening old wounds from your relationship, it is perfectly possible your friend would not necessarily see it as empathy but criticism that she made a wrong decision. Because you are saying how you opted for a different ‘solution’ and see how well that worked out for you.

No; whatever the reason you feel some need to tell your story, I think it unwise to do so. Be supportive not comparative.

[anneasquith]

why don't you just go with your own instinct.. you know your pen pal. we don't.

[Baldric]

Be totally upfront with her, the full works, tell her everything, you will both feel better afterwards.

[Prudie]

Semantics here but to empathise surely you have had to have gone through the experience yourself, otherwise it's sympathise.
Do you not divulge your past experience of your husband's affair with anybody in allegiance to him? If not then don't say anything, if you have then maybe your penpal would like to hear about your experience. Sometimes people going through bad stuff feel like they are the only ones in the world who have which adds to their suffering.

[Old_Geezer]

No I do not believe so. Empathy and sympathy are states of mind; how you react. I do not believe they have anything to do with having gone through the same experience. Unless one has no imagination and can not understand how another feels. In which case one probably can do neither anyway.

[cameliaheartfelt]

I think I was really questioning when one is married, should you keep very personal things like an affair to yourself because it is only something that you both only really experienced and an allegiance to your partner so they are not judged.

[Baldric]

If I cheated on my Wife I would think a judgement would be in order!