Estranged Family

[sherrardk]

Not a question but an observation. Me and himself are estranged from various family members for a number of reasons. Himself has found out today, via a third party, that his estranged father has advanced dementia so even if he did want to reconnect with him his dad wouldn't know who he was. If you are estranged from anyone maybe you should have a bit of a think about it (today's news hasn't made me want to reconnect with my biological dad, but it did make me think).

[Maydup]

Good thoughts Sherr. We don't necessarily have to be best buddies with our families, but we all rest easier if we have no regrets.

[yinyang]

My husband hasn't spoken to his mum for twenty years ( his choice ) and for the last 18 months his sister has ignored our attempts to contact her ( we genuinely don't know why).

We have discussed how we would feel if anything happened to either of them and agree that with his sister there would be a lot of sadness that things ended the way they did and things weren't said that should have been ; but as regards his mother it's like she died a long time ago and we would feel nothing ( except a small amount of relief if I'm brutally honest ).

We don't regret not having her in our life for so long. We've got a really good life and if if shed been allowed to get her way it would have been very different.

[Daffy6543]

I had been estranged from my mum for several years before her death in February. I have no regrets about it and am not sorry she is dead.
I am also estranged from all of my 6 siblings and one of my daughters, although the daughter thing has been short lived so far, i'm trying to shock her into sorting her life out and stop using me as a bank.

[Elina]

Hi sherrardk, I don't know the reason why your husband is estranged from his father. What I do know however from personal experience is that sometimes, people whether that be family or not, just can't get on no matter how they try.

[Elina]

Daffy, hats off to you for being firm with your daughter!

[woofgang]

i think it depends on the reason for the estrangement. I have been in a situation where the door was left open and eventually things turned out happily; and also in a situation where I don't think I will ever reconnect. Estrangement does always take at least two, I presume that your OH's father didn't become this way overnight?

[sherrardk]

I just feel a bit sad for himself, for the way he found out to the fact that his dad has 'gone' and no one told him. They are estranged following the death of his mum and the inevitable 'grabbing' of stuff.

[black_cat51]

hmm, i always think "you never know when you might need a bone marrow donor"

[sherrardk]

I don't know how long this has been going on. He stopped contact with his dad and his remaining sister (and her family) when the family house was sold and the stuff unfairly (in my husband's opinion) was shared out (himself didn't get anything). They live in the north west and we only found out about his dad's health issues through a friend who had found something online. They haven't spoken for nearly five years and his family know nothing about himself's head going bang, etc.

[kvalidir]

I would hate to be estranged from any of my family since we are all so close but my mother is estranged form her brother because he's a hateful, conniving nasty piece of work and I can;t imagine a scenario where she would ever speak to him again no matter how ill he was or how much he needed something from her. My Mum is lovely and she doesn't hold grudges against anyone barring this one, and this runs terribly deep. I think sometimes people do things that are unforgivable but its each to their own how they choose to deal with that.

[yinyang]

How is he feeling about it, does he want to see his dad now even if he thinks he won't be recognised?

I think family estrangement is like a pond, over time things settle and go calm, then something happens that chucks a big stone in and causes major ripples, churning up all sorts of stuff. Pretty sure that nobody would tell us if something happened to my husbands mum but , as we are the ones that have made it clear that her advances at reconciliation aren't welcome; I wouldn't really expect them to.

[Greedyfly]

It is sad that we become estranged from family and you give good advice SherrardK but everyone I'm estranged from I am glad to be rid of them.

[sherrardk]

He doesn't want to see him and his feelings haven't changed. His family don't know how ill he was last year (I did ask him if he wanted me to tell them he was in hospital) or his on going head 'problems'. I think it would probably be very hard for him to see him, he used to be a very intelligent, switched on bloke for his age (he must be in his 90's now) so to see him 'not himself' would be tough (as opposed to seeing someone slowly go downhill). Ah well, their loss.

[sherrardk]

Missed you there Greedyfly, I haven't spoken to my biological father since I was nineteen and have no desire to do so. Just always felt that stubbornness was stopping my husband and his dad from talking (both probably thinking the other would make the first move) and now it's too late if his dad has dementia (and it's was also the way he found out that made me sad).

[Daffy6543]

sherrard, I found out my mum had died from one of my brothers posting R.I.P. Mum on his Facebook page, he didn't even pm any of the family, just blurted it out on FB. It was quite surreal, and because of his alcoholic history most of us thought he was drunk and making it up. My eldest sister had to contact the police to find out if it was true.

[sherrardk]

Daffy, that's sad.

Divebuddy, they've painted themselves into their respective corners. Six of one and half a dozen of the other (plus a grabby sister in law, etc, etc).

[Khandro]

I'm pleased to say (and I hope I don't sound smug) that though I have a far from perfect family (who has?), I'm not estranged from any of them for very long.
You really have to talk, and for your sanity, try to forgive.
Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.
Tough, but extremely rewarding!

[Retrochic]

I didn't speak to my mother for over 6 years following years of abuse as a child and well into adult hood. I started to speak again at my instigation due to a family get together and I thought I was adult enough now to rise above her manipulative wicked ways but i wish I hadn't as I've been dragged back into her negative manipulative world where she's only ill on my days off work, talks about every member of the family behind their backs and seems to have a rosy memory of me and my siblings childhood despite the fact most of it was her beating us up while under the influence of Valium and a bottle of QC sherry a day. so sherradk -I had a bit of a think about it and wish I'd just left things and her alone.

[sherrardk]

I can see both sides, I don't wish to speak to my 'real' father but I do think my husband (and his dad/sister) have dug themselves into a hole that there is no getting out of (I have repeatedly asked him if he should/wants to contact his family). Sad really plus the fact that his dad has dementia, he really is/was an interesting man who had an amazingly interesting life (we found out via a website where an author is helping him write his memoirs and is looking for help filling the gaps, it's not a flight of fantasy - he did some amazing things).