Bereavement

[237SJ]

I`m pottering around on my own today for the first time since my Mum died a week ago. I have had people around me but am now having some space. The thing is, I don`t feel particularly tearful or frankly gutted like I thought I would feel. My only experience of real bereavement was when my Dad died. He died suddenly and even though the fact that he had gone took ages to sink in, I still cried buckets. For quite a few months too. I thought it would be the same or worse when my Mum died but I`m just feeling very pragmatic about the whole thing. I don`t think that`s normal. I knew for the last 2 years that this would happen and I`m wondering if I was more mentally prepared than I thought. Did anyone else feel this way after caring for someone with a long term illness?

[woofgang]

Yes, I felt totally numb and still pretty much do. I enjoy superficial stuff but deep down i just feel numb.

[237SJ]

That`s the way I feel too Woofgang. I don`t feel depressed, I just don`t feel anything. I`m wondering how long that will last before everything hits me or whether it even will.

[MargoTester]

My Mum had a stroke and was in hospital for three months and then had a second massive stroke and was in a coma for another three weeks. I visited her twice every day although she didn't know I was there. Your Mum was obviously Ill for a lot longer that that. I guess what I am trying to say is that you are more prepared for the end when it comes. In fact I felt it was a blessing. You still mourn their loss but in a different way. At some point in time it will hit you and you will probably have a good cry. Just keep talking about her and remember all the good times, and come on here for a chat when you need to xx

[237SJ]

Thank you Margo.

[Mamyalynne]

There is no 'normal' it is different for us all - like you my father died quite suddenly, I was 27 and we were the best pals.

I found it hard to contemplate going on without him.

My Mum became what we call'a creaking gate' for a few years and then started to decline so in a way more prepared and didn't feel the sledge hammer of grief the same.

You handle it how you do - no rights or wrongs. So much time to contemplate when you have a little time to yourself I know.

Take care.x

[THECORBYLOON]

There is no such thing as a "normal" way to cope with bereavement. Ma dad was rushed to hospital with an aneurysm one Boxing Day morning and they said that just moving him could have killed him. They operated and he was in intensive care and when we 'phoned to see what like he was, we spoke to him in a regular ward which was a pleasant surprise. He later had a relapse and died on Hogmanay 1998.

I took that harder than when ma mum was diagnosed a few year ago wi a condition that meant her kidneys were failing and I suppose like you, one was unexpected and the other was a matter of waiting for the inevitable.

[237SJ]

Thanks Mamya and Corby. From what you have said, it sounds like one`s response is not always the same with every bereavement. That is what I wanted to know. My Mum wasn`t really ill. She had breast cancer in her bones but still carried on as normal so she wasn`t really ailing. She only started to change after Christmas which I now realise was caused by the cancer going into her brain. I suppose I`m worried that I will go back to work and completely flip my lid when a customer gives me grief about something. Maybe I need more time at home to see how things pan out.

[MallyJ]

I think that the first major loss is the biggest shock and therefore hits hardest ... one is a bit more prepared for the next one. That doesn't mean the person meant any less to you or that you are unfeeling. .. my dad died when I was 22 quite unexpectedly and my mother when I was 37 (she had been ill for some time) I do remember feeling sad that I was an orphan ... which is a bit strange. I was told by a young person at work that I did not love my mum as I was back at work and apparently fine. Everyone is different. Be as you are and don't worry about how you should feel... there is no 'should' about it

[DTCwordfan]

It hasn't hit you yet - with my old man it was some eight months later....I had an incident in Shanghai and we had come over for my baby sister's wedding. It all got to me at 3am in the hotel...... Also, I was the only one that went to see him post his death and I think that helped enormously, to see him at peace after cancer.

Your time for grief will come, it's all natural.

[237SJ]

Thank you DT. Hotel rooms on the other side of the world are not a good place to be when you are bereaved (I kinow from experience)

[Tilly2]

237, you have probably been grieving for your mum since her cancer diagnosis. I suspect your grief has been a long drawn out process and will not have 'flash point'. You have done your grieving.

[237SJ]

I hope so Tilly.

[woofgang]

Its been four years now. I don't think it will ever change for me

[Tilly2]

Are you talking about your husband, woof?

[237SJ]

Woofgang - have you thought about bereavement counselling? It`s not something that I feel that I need because I can just talk to my friends when I need to do so but my sister`s husband died and she never really dealt with it. She says that she is going to get counselling about Mum (I think she feels guilty because she didn`t treat Mum very well and had absolutely nothing to do with her illness). There is help out there if you want it.

[murraymints]

i was grieving for fil 4 years before he actually passed..we lost him to Alzheimers and ultimately cancer...it was a release for him at the end as he had suffered so much..I was fine until about 6 months later when the kind lady in the chemist asked me how I was..and I just fell apart....having spent so long caring for him 24,7 I was physically as well as mentally knackered...and even now I find myself tearing up when I think of him.it will be 10 years since he passed on 17 April..but feels like yesterday ..we are all different and grieve in our own ways for as long as it takes..be kind to yourself...thinking of you at this difficult time..big hugs xx

[woofgang]

yes, my husband. I am actually ok. Talked loads to him before he died and I know he is waiting for me. I don't have dangerous thoughts and no amount of talking will bring him back.

[237SJ]

Thank you murraymints. Woofgang - when my Dad died my Mum used to say "You can`t live by the dead" I can hear her saying that now. She wouldn`t have wanted me to be sad. I owe it to her to look after myself and have a good life. It is what she would have wanted. I`m sure your husband would have wanted the same for you x

[Elina]

Hi 23, my dad died last July. I'd been very calm. I'd say in the last month or so though, I fell apart a bit. I went awol from work the other week, a little thing irritated me & I walked out of work. I also feel I can't put up with crap from people like I could before, if they're offended I'm not interested. What I'm saying is, you may feel grief when you least expect it. Don't rule it out. Look after yourself, do what 'you' need to do ... & take care x

[DTCwordfan]

elina's about - dtc tiptoes ever so quietly out of the thread room