@Barquentine
The nearest I get to this is that I do occasionally find myself wondering why everyone else seems to innately know the 'right' meaning whereas I am on my own, struggling to arrive at the same conclusion by logic alone, or where the literal meaning of a word sequence is all I have as a clue. Never went truant but, somehow "missed that class", if you know what I mean.
The time one:
while you see time as a road, I guess others see it as a queue; days come towards us and bringing an event forward is moving it closer to the front of the queue, making it arrive in the present sooner than previously advertised.
"All but completed."
Mild understatement by means of using a double negative is called litotes (thank you, Monty Python for making me look that one up, they never taught us fancy stuff like that, at school!)
http://literarydevices.net/litotes/
"Next Friday"
I'm struggling to understand your confusion. If Fridays were trains, it should be pretty unambiguous what "next" means.
Address stamp:
A block of text has a top and a bottom and most people struggle to read text which is upside-down. It may be that you are gifted with the ability to do this (some individuals are adept with mirrored and even mirrorred-plus-upside-down) and therefore cannot perceive any added value in the text being oriented correctly, in which case, why bother.
Likewise, faced with a binary decision, if I do not care sufficiently about the result of choice A or B, I find it hard to make a decision either way. I hate 'plumping' for one or the other which, to some people's eyes makes them 'decisive' while I am perceived as 'indecisive'. (I wouldn't mind if they said I was uncaring, which would be fair criticism, I think).
I am not medically qualified so will not attempt to identify what condition you may have. Your interpretation of everyday phrases is certainly uncommon and, perhaps over-literal and that might be a function of the proportion of your life spent mixing with other people and experiencing their use of language. Social withdrawal, as a symptom, is not unique to autism, or Aspergers and a professional would need to appreciate a broader picture of your life, to make the right diagnosis.
The crunch point is that you need to get across, to your GP, just how much distress this is causing in your daily life before they will go to the expense of analysing your symptoms. Getting jibes, in the workplace, for being 'a bit different' is not immediately life-threatening and is probably not going to be taken seriously. But, if ten years of it has ground you down into a state of clinical depression and your personal life is suffering then there is clear justification for treatment.