When To Call It A Day?

[Scarlett]

Last night my best friend- who lives a few hours away- spent 2 hours having a go at me via messaging. She suffers from depression. We have managed to remain friends and work together on creative projects for 25 years, through inevitable ups and downs. But yesterday she was swearing at me in capital letters, saying cruel things and negating our previous good times. She has become bitter and twisted and is angry that I am also working with someone else (from my town, as I rarely see her). She has a lot of low self-confidence issues which I have continually tried to help her with. After all the things she said last night, I really don't feel like even speaking to her again, let alone attempting to be her friend. She has not apologised and I've heard nothing today. I don't like giving up on people, but all the horrid things she said are flying around in my head- I wouldn't want an enemy to speak to me like that, let alone my so-called best friend. She wants the monopoly on me, and she cannot have it. What would you do next?!

[Baldric]

Maintain a dignified silence, leave any further contact to her.

[DaisyNonna]

Wait

[-SharonA-]

I would be inclined to call it a day right now!! No matter what issues your friend has, there's no need for this abuse.

[Peaspeculiars]

Agree, wait. And if you feel anxious as to why she hasn't been in touch - wait some more, and wait again. She is an adult and should know better.
The first step and a huge apology should come from her.
Make it very clear that if it happens again, you will cut contact.
You neither need nor deserve any abuse from anyone - Especially a friend.

[pusskin]

Wait until you hear from her.

[Scarlett]

She has sent me a one line message about tickets for the thing we were talking about before she started on me. Should I reply?! Should I just reply "Thanks"?

[-SharonA-]

No, no reply.

[DaisyNonna]

No, just buy a single ticket and go alone

[DTCwordfan]

Big breath in Scarlett, if she suffers from depression she may well be lashing out and you are in the firing line, as you are part of her 'credible' base to which she can relate.

In many ways, IT IS NOT HER, her real personality being masked by the depression.

IT HURTs, but if you are a true friend to her and she to you in the past, hold in there.

I've been there, seeing a close friend sectioned after a lot of what you have described and more.......you are the sane one, she needs your love, but it has to be a measured way to what is going on. What about others in her family - talk to them, share your concern and love and what can you do to stabilise her and bring 'improvement' to her life - often those friends have no idea of how she is behaving outside the family - or in helping to pick up on the warning signs.

Good luck.

[Scarlett]

Thanks DTwordfan- I am worried about her in that her 'niceness' has long gone and been replaced by anger and bitterness. But I also don't want to be used as a punch bag. I have always tried to be there for her, but everything she said last night made me feel as though our whole relationship has been a sham. She won't learn unless I speak out and tell her she is out of order, surely?

[-SharonA-]

She is out of order, but will she listen and heed whatever you say to her.

[pixie374]

I agree with DT, but the choice is yours. Speak to her.

[Retrochic]

By putting up with this behavior you are facilitating her nastiness. Whatever the reason she needs to know that this is upsetting YOU -its not all about her and her problems. I would not contact her, and if she decides to contact you then make it quite plain how upset she made you and although you will be there for her you are not prepared to take abuse.

[Old_Geezer]

What do you feel you should do ?

You might decide you wish to be the patient help to someone in a bad place, or you might decide that you have done your bit and have the right to opt out now and not take this any more. Only you can decide where you are.

[sandyRoe]

Your support might be more important to her just now than you can imagine. A long friendship deserves another chance.

[hellywelly4]

This happened to me and eventually I moved away as I couldn't handle it. I've never 'spoken back' to the person as I know it would backfire and I would be the one who was in the wrong. She is now causing problems with other friends where she lives, and I think will always do so. it's such a shame, particularly when you have been really close. We had been friends for about ten years, but she started to turn about two years ago and said some awful things to me. If I go back and see her I act as if nothing is wrong, but I don't contact her otherwise. Don't know if that helps, but it has helped me to get it off my chest !!!!

[Canary42]

A very difficult (and sad) situation Scarlett. DTC and OG make valid points - but your role in the relationship must be considered after all. It seems to be getting to you quite destructively now, so perhaps it's time to end the friendship, or re-establish it on a less intimate level.

Good luck, whatever you decide. And if it helps, come back and air it here.

[Scarlett]

Old_Geezer.. my feeling at the moment is that she said a number of very cruel and hurtful things and attempted to use emotional blackmail to make me do what she wants. But the list of insulting things she wrote cannot be ignored. She should not be allowed to be so appallingly rude to her apparent best friend, and get away with it. When I tried to defend myself, she would ladle on her 'poor me's even thicker, not allowing me to speak. I feel like being silent to give it some distance and allow her time to think. But if she is as angry as she was, she will use my silence as another reason why I am a dreadful friend, and to give up on our friendship altogether.

[Caran]

I had this too. She would criticise me for every thing I did, from papers I read, pencils I used hb or not. Tv programmes I watched.
She was a magistrate and felt better than me. She even said everyone I knew had not ounce of intelligence between them.
I told her this 35 year friendship was over. I never regretted it but she died this year. I did wonder though?

[Bathsheba]

I have to agree with DT. If she suffers from depression she is not "in her right mind" and can act in a way that seems hurtful to her friends. I know, I've been there. My good friends have just bided their time and waited
for me to get better.

Baths
x x x