Help me!! Relationship prob

[dozie]

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 yrs. Everything is great expcept for this one problem!! He just doesn't trust me. If i'm with his mates he asks if they are chatting me up. If i am upstairs for too long he comes up to "see what i'm doing" and even when i am on line he thinks im talking to my other boyfriend. He just will not trust me (even though i have never cheated on him), he is not possessive as he doesnt' care how i dress or complain if my skirt is too short etc in fact he likes it when i wear clothes that show off my figure. He checks my phone and has even asked me to leave my handbag with him whilst i went to the pub toilet so as not to "secretly use my phone" No matter how much i tell him i love him only and he means the world to me he says he's not stupid. Help me, i don't want to lose him and love him so much if only he stopped being like this

[Chessman]

Hi dozie, it sounds like he's just a little bit too jealous, (which you could say, shows his feelings for you), and is terrified of losing you, but if he carries on like this, he will. The thing is, has he always been like this?,

[irisred]

Sounds like this could be an issue. I'm not sure there is anything you can do to about it but it does sound like he might need help.

Silly question but have you tried asking him why he is like this? Maybe he has had someone cheat on him before or it could run even deeper.

Also, and this may not be the case, but if someone is that concerned about being cheated on it may be because they've done it in the past. Not necessarily you but he may have cheated on someone else.

I really hope you can sort it out - good luck!

[dozie]

Yeah, when i think back now he has but it has got progressively worse!! I told him a couple of nights ago he is very insecure and he says there is no way that he is (he's secure with his looks and personality) Between writing my last question he got funny because i didn't answer my phone to him, (which i did not hear!) I've told him he will lose me if he carries on like this to which he has 2 replies - "ok, i'll stop but stop giving me reasons to think you are up to something" or " ok leave me then" Any other suggestionsbefore i pull my hair out!!?

[irisred]

My best friend was in a very similar situation and he ended up getting really nasty with her. It wasn't good.

I'd say let him go - you've obviously got your head screwed on and know that this isn't the right situation for you.

If its something that is getting progressively worse, its not going to get any better. Really think he needs to get to the bottom of why he feels this way.

Good luck!

[dozie]

Thanks Red, yes you are right, we were friends for about 15 years before we got together and as far as i can remember he has cheated on every one of his girlfriends (which he does not deny!)

He says he will never do it to me as he has matured now and that he loves me more than he ever loved them!! I have asked him why he is like this and he has said its because i behave oddly and i'm always "up to something" (which i can assure you all i am not!)

If i go out with friends he is constantly texting or ringing just to say have a good night out etc, sometimes i say i will leave my phone at home and he says no i should take it - people notice how much he constantly rings or texts when i am out.

He really is a lovely guy and anyone would be lucky to have him, he's funny, got a great peersonality and very good looking - its just this mistrust thing

[irisred]

Dozie - it def sounds to me like he's the one with guilt issues. He obviously never cared that much about the girls he cheated on but he does about you and know he realises how it feels from the other side (not implying that you're cheating!).

Alas nothing you can do about it because if he doesn't trust and you and has every reason to its gonna be a tough one! You'll end up not having a life if you pander to his insecurities.

If this really is his last warning make sure he knows it. Be strong and reassure him but don't change your mind.

Love is all about mutual trust.

[dozie]

You're absolutely right, i've just spoke to him now and not to go into another story but i had to put the phone down as he thinks i am on line chatting to other men and he told me not to bother meeting later for a drink if i can't be bothered to leave now, i told him i can't put up with this and he is getting worse to which he replied "so are you!" Men eh? Can't live with them, can't kill them either!!! (joke!)

[GavC]

Can I say somethin g here Dozie. i dont want to upset you, but I got myself into a similar situation as your boyfriend before, and the reason I was so jealous and possesive was becasue I had charted on my girlfriend, and I thought taht to stop myself from letting on, I would try and twist things arounf and make it seem as though she had something to feel bad about. This went on for about 2 years before I finally came clean and told her about thet affair I had, we stayed togetehr for a while but the trust had been broken. it may not be the case, but is he doing this to you to cover his own feelings of guilt? Does he call you up to check on you alot, because I used to do that just to see how my girl sounded if I was with another girl myself, to re assure myself that she hadnt sussed. I dint want to sound harsh but it's just my view.

[dozie]

Thanks for your input- I see where you are coming from but i dunno - he is always with me if he's not working. I dont think he has time to cheat (seriously)