low self-esteem

[mydogsandme]

Hi I just wondered if other people seem to "jinx" themselves with their low self-esteem? This stems I know from when I was at school and I went through a stage where I had no friends and while I wasn't exactly "bullied" I was ignored and laughed at. I still have dreams about it 30 years later! I've been part of a drama group since summer and everything was fine for a while. I've worked out that it was because it started as a large group and I just "blended in". Now the group has shrunk and people sit around chatting a bit. Once again I've started with the negative thoughts and analizing everyone's behaviour, thinking they don't care if I'm there or not and no-one has anything to say to me. This makes me act differently and I get quiet so then I feel even more "different". Part of this may be due to the fact I have an illness that I haven't told them about so I feel different anyway. Seems everything I start I pack in because I always end up feeling this way. Just wondered if anyone else destroys what could be pleasant activities because of this?

[ELVIS68]

You shouldn`t worry what other people are thinking and just get on and enjoy life, Why not join in and chat with them, life`s too short too be sad and low, try talking to someone about your illness. A problem shared an all that, try and put the past behind you and think to the future, best of luck to you

[rampart]

Well said, Elvis.

mydogs, open your heart to new and pleasant activities. You recognise your feelings and you are trying to work on them, which is a great step toward conquering them.

We all have little things about us that we do not share with others, and we all have a few unpleasant memories tucked away, so while you are different, so is each one of us.

The people in your crowd may not realise that they have not pulled you in deeper into whatever connection they have. Perhaps you can accept your differences, put them aside, and join in the fun.

[scatty mare]

I know what you mean, mydogsandme. I totally agree with elvis68 and rampart, but it's really hard to break habits and behaviours that have become ingrained. Bullying is a terrible thing and can affect people for many years after the taunting has stopped. Give yourself a chance to break the pattern, it's not as hard as it seems. Remember that you're a different person now to the one you were all those years ago, as are the people who gave you a hard time, I'm sure they'd be ashamed of themselves if they knew how much it had affected you. Try focusing on other people and ask a lot of questions if you don't want the attention on yourself, you'll soon relax as people will feel flattered if you're genuinely interested in them and will open up to you. As has already been said, everyone has their own insecurities, don't be fooled by a confident exterior. And stop being so hard on yourself! People will take you as they find you.

[lethologica]

I know exactly what you mean, i went through it at school, didn't manage to climb out of it during college and feel like i'm sinking back into it at uni.

Luckily my boyfriend is there for me and I'm not at all like it at work where i work in such a close knit environment it can't really happen. I can get through uni, like i got through school and college, often in tears but alive - you just need to know there's a time when you'll be rid of those situations.

[snapdarlich]

I'm kind of in the same situation at the moment, but due to my coursework - I study music. I'm endlessly being pushed into more situations and I just have to make it work. I started feeling the very same behaviour thing with parents and close family thing in the past - and felt disgraceful for it. It's not as easy to break out of it. I still find it difficult to meet new folk. I keep going around with my head down and by the time I either realise it's someone I know etc, they've gone and they think I'm either aloof or just rude.

I'm now seeing a counsellor and she's helping greatly. It's surprising how telling some stranger how you're feeling will clear your worries a bit.

I'm not going to tell you not to quit activities etc, that's your choice, but I bet that sometimes, when you do these activities and you see the smallest one through, it can change how you feel even for a short while. Even going in the front door of Music College was my problem that I dealt with first. Try to take people at face value. People really won't be judging you, they might feel like you too.

Best of luck from someone who really knows what you're going through. But look into the idea of a counsellor - It's not pyschotherapy, just someone to have a chat too!

[curiosity]

Try this quick exercise. Get a piece of paper and a pen. Write down a situation you were in which made you feel uneasy, perhaps one that has prompted you to write this thread. Then write down your feelings i.e angry sad, anxious etc. THEN write down what were saying to yourself in your mind at the time, what you were thinking ( your self talk, i.e thoughts). Write the first sentence (or as you might find, a definate statement you told yourself) e.g They don't like me. and then keep asking yourself WHY? write again the sentence you think, then why, write quickly with an arrow pointing down to each sentence. Keep going until you're own answer gives you an idea of the reason why you get into a circle of negative thinking, which may be caused by unhelpful beliefs about yourself ( e.g low self esteem) But hopefully it will get you to realise that Our self talk influences our feelings (e.g sadness, anxiety) and our behaviours (withdrawal, avoidance)

[curiosity]

Sorry the end of that was missing. Basically it's a useful tool to see that we sometimes convince ourselves of "facts" that just arn't right and, telling ourselves these "facts" over and over again in our minds, don't help us in our quest for comfort or happiness. Just realising that you're thinking in an unhelpful way, can help to try and challenge your thinking. Lots and lots of luck.

[David H]

Technically we're all equal (unless actually at work) so low self esteem is really in the imagination. If you have a physical reason it can often make you believe you're inferior- I spent years like you because of my height (lack of) but learnt it wasn't necessary.

Just look at any group where everyone has equal status like in Big Brother- it's up to each person to assert themselves or the strong win every time.

[mibn2cweus]

Embrace your humanity. We are not born with the knowledge of how to live; this we must learn. And so we make mistakes. Own up to your errors, do anything and everything you can to correct them then move on. Reflect on failure only as long as you can learn something from the experience; any further thought on such matters is not only pointless and futile but removes your focus from things you can do to improve yourself and the quality of your life.

The greatest gift one person can give to another is to demonstrate that they have achieved a measure of success and happiness for themselves. I don�t mean showing off, this only demonstrates that you are not happy with yourself and are seeking to gain approval from others instead. Don�t fake it, this only obscures the way to real achievements. A genuine appreciation for the victories of others not only wins you favor with them but will help you to win your own as well.

Thoughts of inadequacy or futility are counter productive. Always think as highly of yourself as reason will allow and be your own best friend, not your worst enemy. Remember that the whole point of being and thinking is to make life the best possible experience it can possibly be, all the rest is water under the bridge!

The documenting suggested by curiosity really works. This helps you to solidify your thoughts and makes them available for reflection at a later time when new ideas come to mind. It may even eventually be some of your favorite reading material!

There have been times in my life when the only reason I had to believe in myself was that it was the only

[mibn2cweus]

There have been times in my life when the only reason I had to believe in myself was that it was the only hope I had for success.

[mydogsandme]

I'm overwhelmed with the kind response I've had. I definately feel cheered by it and will be putting it into practice as from now. Thanks again everyone- what a great lot you are.