Should I Move In With My Boyfriend Or Back With My Parents?

[lucifersimpala]

I am stuck in a difficult situation, I (F21) have just finished university and simultaneously just found out I need to move out of the house I live in with my boyfriend (M25) and 2 others. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, living in the same house for 3. My options are to move back with my parents or find an apartment with my boyfriend. Both of us are currently unemployed and searching for work. My parents are adamant I should go back with them whereas bf wants me to go with him. My parents are offering me to not have to pay rent or any other money to them while I look for a job and my dad has connections that might get me a job in my area of study. Meanwhile bf will have to pay all of the rent plus bills that is twice as much as we are paying now for half the space if I don't move in with him or move back to his mother and her fiancé for £200 a month for no bedroom just a couch to sleep on and the fiancé physically assaulted my bf in the past. Bf also has mental health issues (undiagnosed) that I have been helping him with over the last 4 years of our relationship and I worry that without me he would fall back in to his old self. We have been talking about it a lot and he hates my parents and my parents don't like him so I'm caught in the middle. Tonight he broke down sobbing and basically said I'm the only thing he has left and he is terrified of losing me, we would be living about 40 minutes away via public transport if I moved home. I don't know what to do, on one hand moving home seems like the best move for me but on the other it would destroy him. I love him and seeing him like this is horrible, any advice is gladly accepted.

[Ringlet]

You love him, but you are not responsible for his life.
You are very young, and you need to do what is best for your future, now that you have finished university.
I think you should take the option of moving back with your parents.
This is a major transition in your life, having finished university, and looking for your first job. You should not tie yourself down.
If you do, you are likely to find that you cannot leave, because your boyfriend will use the same kind of emotional blackmail that he is using now.
Stay free - see how things pan out with your boyfriend. You can still see each other. If you make yourself responsible for his life, you will stifle your own life.

[david small]

Ringlet is correct. He is responsible for his life, and you for yours. You have a decent opportunity to stabilise your future. Take it, with both hands. A possible job in the area you’ve studied to boot. It’s a heart or mind decision. On the one path lies misery, poverty, frustration and endless problems. On the other, your sun can shine, and a happier future beckons. He has the opportunity to take charge of his life, what he does is his choice. So do you. Frankly, if you go with him it will be a dark and unpleasant existence. Do not sacrifice your life upon the alter of his inadequacies. You deserve better. Go to the light. Good luck.

[barry1010]

Your father's offer to help your career should not be dependent on you moving in with your parents. That too is emotional blackmail.

Why don't your parents like your boyfriend? Has he just finished university, too?

Your boyfriend should be supporting you, too, and thinking about what is best for you.

In the long term the best option is for the two of you to take up the parents offers. This will give you both the time to find work, get established and save up for a decent home.
Taking a grotty flat whilst you are both unemployed, living off the dole is not a good way to start this next phase of your life

[lucifersimpala]

My parents do not like him because he did 5 years of college and then a year of uni, redid that year as he failed it and then failed it again, this was two years ago, he has not been able to maintain a stable job since, moving from contract to contract. They didn't really want me moving out with him in the first place but figured I would be coming straight back after finishing my degree, this was not my plan, I wanted to stay in our current house for a few years but unfortunately that isn't possible. He has also basically said that if I go back to my parents our relationship is basically over as my parents can fill my head with bad things about him until I 'ditch' him. He is saying my parents are trying to blackmail me and they are saying he is trying to blackmail me and I don't know who to trust at this point but I am concerned if I don't pick him over my parents he may harm himself and it would be my fault

[barry1010]

Your boyfriend is being incredibly selfish and is trying to blackmail in to staying with him. He is immature, self-centred and will bring you down with him. That is not love. He is only concerned about himself.

What do you get out of the relationship?

[KristalBee]

To me this is a no brainier, move back home, a safe place where you can then decide what you and your b/f want to do to move forward. In my opinion any other course of action could result in you breaking up. Have a heart to heart talk, assure him you are not breaking up and that 40 minutes to see one another is not that much and may not be permanent. His behaviour does sound to me a bit passive aggressive (google it) .Please DO NOT move in with his family.

[lucifersimpala]

I don't even know what I get out of the relationship anymore except comfort and familiarity, some kind of stability. We have gone through a lot together although now that I think about it most of the issues we went through together were his problems I took on as that's what a partner is supposed to do. There is a part of me that wishes I never dated him as horrid as that may sound. The main reason we are still together is because I don't know what he would do without me, I am the last person he has left and I can't bring myself to leave him like this, also all of my friends are mutual friends, they are all in other countries and we communicate over discord, they were his friends first and I worry if I am not with my bf then I would lose all my friends and literally only have my family. He keeps asking whether I value my independence over a possible career development which may not even happen and that my parents should be a safety net not a solution and I will struggle to be able to move back out of my parents house without him in the future

[barry1010]

You are not getting comfort or stability from the relationship, only familiarity. This man will keep you as his emotional crutch forever and drain your soul and your life.
This is your opportunity to start your life afresh. You can develop new interests along with your new career, make new friends. You are not the person you were when you met him at 16/17.
You certainly are not responsible for his self-esteem and well-being. If you do decide to split up with him just tell his mother so she is aware of the situation. He is a big boy now and needs to take responsibility for himself

[rowanwitch]

I can give you some advice based on experience
You will out grow him, you will either give up on your career dreams and resent him for holding you back or do better than him and he will resent you.
If he is using emotional blackmail now be may well use other controlling behaviour later. Move back with your parents but make it clear you expect to be treated as an adult not a child. I.e contribute to the running of the house even if they say they don't want it, and that includes doing your own share of the housework, and save like crazy til you can get a place of your own. And good luck

[lucifersimpala]

How do I broach the topic of moving to my parents, we have the rest of the month in this house and it's awkward enough as it is but the stress of this situation is starting to physically affect me, once I have moved out I'm fine its just the fact I will be packing all my stuff seperately and I know it's going to be hard. I see glimpses of the him I fell in love with and it makes it all so much harder as he has basically already decided that if I go back to my parents we will break up

[barry1010]

Do you have to wait to move in with your parents? Really, you should move out as soon as possible.

[lankeela]

"he has basically already decided that if I go back to my parents we will break up" - to me this answers the problem in one sentence - its all about him. Ditch the selfish git and have some self respect.

[maggiebee]

Agree with Lankeela - pack your bags and run.

[KristalBee]

It seems like you have come to a wise decision and now it’s just the logistics of the move that is worrying you. Pack when he’s not around and leave a note saying as far as you are concerned this isn't goodbye, and you will wait for him to get in touch. You really must be in control and not be persuaded to do something you don’t want to do because he is emotionally blackmailing you.

[lucifersimpala]

I am unable to pack when he isn't around, he has already said we should pack our stuff seperately but as far as he is concerned I haven't made a decision yet but I think he does know I am going back to my parents

[Ellipsis]

I'm not sure this is the case, since I don't know you at all, but there are some things you say that sound a bit like coercive control:

https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control

[lucifersimpala]

An update for anyone who may care: we have broken up and at the end of the month I'm moving back in with my parents, I just need to get through these next 3 weeks it's going to be rough but I can't move sooner as my parents need to sort out the house as my old bedroom became my dad's office when I moved out. Thank you for all of your advice you really helped me to find some clarity in a horrible situation.

[barry1010]

You've done the hardest bit. Good luck

.

[Peter Pedant]

Parents
for the simple reason: you are wondering