Do I tell my colleagues?

[Mowbray]

Hello,

I am gay and i have told some of my colleagues (whom i can trust) however i've just moved to another dept' working with the biggest gossips ever. I am not ashamed of being gay, but i don't want other people talking behind my back about it.

today my colleagues asked what my partner was called and i just changed the subject as i didn't know what to say.

i thought i shouldn't lie as they may already know and i think they're just trying to put me on the 'spot' as they're not very nice women as they talk about everyone.

Should i tell them the truth?

[netibiza]

Why bother - it's none of their business. Don't share things with them if they are so petty-minded.

[Mowbray]

that's what i think, but i am affraid that they already suspect and they will know i am lying.

Plus i am in an office where my manager knows and he will hear me lie to the other two.

I am worried for nothing?

[gary baldy]

I should hope in 2006 someone could have any kind of relationship that they were not happy to talk about.
Although it is none of their f******g business just be open and let them get on with their sad meaningless lives - if you feel under any pressure tell human resources. Companies are far too worried about high profile law suits to not take these things seriously nowadays. Gossiping can be a very subtle form of bullying.

[Amara]

This must be a very difficult and worrying time for you. You must remember that the Company you work for should not allow any bullying or outward prejudice to take place. You have rights in the workplace. You cannot stop idle gossip - unfortunately - and it is a sad fact that some people are frightened or threatened by things they don't understand. You should not be put in a position where you feel humiliated and uncomfortable but sometimes in our lives we may be subjected to just that if our race,sexuality or religious or spiritual beliefs are different to others. Be strong and proud of who you are, and try to ignore these small minded and un spiritual people. Good luck Amara x

[Drusilla]

I find this a strange question, Mowbray and one I'm quite interested in.
I was divorced last year because I could no longer continue a sexual relationship with my husband and had a 'need' to explore my sapphic side, but I've never felt the need, or desire to tell anyone I meet in my working life.
I accept my situation is different because I work for myself and am not surrounded by the same faces day in and day out, but I would still not feel inclined to talk about my personal life at work and never did when I was teaching and engaged to be married. I always liked to keep the two separate and never thought of the people at work as my friends.
Having re-read this, I think this may say more about me than I'd realised. You've got me thinking even more now.

[PhilBy]

Steady on gary baldy or does this 2006 relationship freedom you speak of really extend to pedophiles?

[ursula62]

I'm with Drusilla here in that I don't know why it would be any business of your work colleagues whether you were gay, straight or bi. Work life and personal life are separate. Would you expect a straight colleague to tell you they were straight or to divulge details of their sexlife?

Frankly if these people must have very boring sex lives of their own if they want to know the ins and outs of everyone elses!

[Drusilla]

You're 58, In A Pickle?? Well, all I can say is you type so much younger.
ps. Do you want a kitten??? :-) My little minx has driven me potty and we've only had her 2.5 weeks.

[mycatis]

Excuse me PhilBy, er where are getting anything about pedophiles from??

[WendyS]

Just give them a sweet smile if they enquire and ask them "Why do you want to know?".

Somehow this always seems to shut people up because they don't like having to admit they're just being plain damned nosey.

[Quizmonkey]

As soon as you think about hiding your sexuality or lying about it, you're automatically giving it some kind of shame even if you obviously don't feel ashamed of being gay. Trying to lead a double life, and remembering who you've lied to and who you haven't, can only be stressful for you.

Be totally open - this is 2006 after all! If certain people can't cope, it's their problem, not yours. If their attitude to you changes, they're not worth having as 'friends' anyway.

If every gay man and woman was completely out, and the straight population knew just how many people constitute this 'minority', there'd be a lot less homophobia.

Go for it!

[morg_monster]

If you think it would cause problems such as prejudice or bullying then it is a whole different kettle of fish. Have you ever heard them express negative attitudes towards gay people? If not, then it seems unlikely that any gossip about you would be malicious.

However aside from that I would think they would be much more likely to gossip about you if they don't know if you are gay or straight, as it'd give them something to debate and argue about among themselves. They might already be gossiping about it, wondering.

Ultimately it is nice to have things to talk about at work, like what you've been up to at the weekend, do you like this film, what do you think about this famous person etcetera. It makes general chit chat a lot harder if you can't mention your partner even in passing. I would just be honest. If you do decided to tell them, don't leave it too late or it'll turn into 'A Thing' and it'll be that much harder, you might have to 'announce' it rather than just mentioning it.

[Miss Zippy]

Just remember that most of us at some point in office life have been or will be the subject of office gossip. Idle and narrow minds might well gossip because they find out you're gay but it will pass in a couple of weeks when they get bored of your 'story' and more interesting gossip comes along. I do think though that they're more likely to gossip if you appear to be embarassed by trying to keep it from them. If you're upfront about things from the start, you'll steal their thunder and gossipping about you won't be nearly as exciting then. Monday might not be good time to casually introduce the topic of your partner into the conversation by asking your colleagues what they got up to at the weekend and they will naturally ask you the same question.

[gary baldy]

mycatis - i was trying to ignore Philby to be honest!
Anyway - Mowbray wasnt it that great queen Oscar Wilde who said something like "Its better to be talked about than not talked about"?

[Sweet cheeks]

Hey Mowbray! What a way to start the New Year!! For what it's worth, I think that if asked "are you gay?" you should say "Yes!" . The realtionships we make in life are all initaily based on assumption. I assume that the peole I work with are similar to me, married with children, unless I have been told differently. I haven't ever asked "by the way, are you hetrosexual?" over the morning coffee! When the poeple you work with are told, then the women will assume that you know how to cook and all about the latest fashions, and all the men will assume that you fancy them!!! Anyway, when people know the truth, what will they have to gossip about? Probably that some-ones boobs are fake or that thingy is sleeping with his secretary!! Good luck, it's a bit like a fart.....better out than in!!!

[Lonnie]

Just like to cite something that happened many moons ago, as a youngster just starting work, a colleague who everyone respected and looked up to, took me to one side and asked if anyone had been saying anything, when I asked him why, he just said 'i'm queer', (his words), but he kept it outside work, and no-one thought any the less of him., that was his way, he spoke to people individually. i'm not saying its what you should do, but its a thought.

[bondy]

Just say 'yes' if asked but 'sorry I don't fancy you! ' You'll get more gossip if they suspect and don't know. So you might as well be really open and steal their thunder and take the iniative.

[trotsky]

just tell them women are ok but theres nowt like the real thing

[pauline lee]

Hi Mowbray

Who cares what they think. I dont go round shouting that I am herterosexual so whats the difference. If they ask the name of your partner then just tell them. If they dont like it then it is them with the problem and not you.

I have two gay men as friends and they are great. Just so long as you are happy who cares. I have three sons and none of them are gay, but if they were it wouldn't matter to me.

Best of luck my friend.