Should we stay together?

[lb24]

Me and my boyfriend care deeply for each other and are best friends but we're not in love with each other anymore. We're 24, have been together for 7 years and aren't married. We can't seem to take the step to split up. Has this happened to anyone else? Could things work out or should we split up if we're not in love?

[Emma-J]

Are you sure you don't love each other any more? and your not confusing it with complacency? When you've been together as long as you have you just settle into a way of being.
If you have fallen out of love then so be it, perhaps you could try staying with a friend for a couple of days, then go back to him and see how you feel, if you still feel the same then I would sit down and talk to him about it, tell him how you feel and see what happens.

Hope you can work something out.
EJ

[jno]

sounds like the seven-year itch. Emma's right, though: that first great passion does dwindle (some scientists say seven years is about right to conceive and raise a child; then our genes want to go out and find someone new, having reproduced themselves). In practice, you may just be settling into happy companionship, which is how most relationships end up, and is a pleasant way to live. On the other hand, at 24 you may well feel you're a bit young to give up on passion.

What will probably happen is that you stay together until one of you finds someone better, and then you'll have to renogotiate what you feel for each other and what you feel is best for yourself. That's normal.

[Englishbird]

How about agreeing to a temporary split, the pain of thinking something is over forever is more than enough to stop you going down that road.

You never know what's round the corner. If one of you could find somewhere else to live, say for 3 months, you will soon find out if you do still love each other. Don't write it off, feelings have a funny way of blindsiding us.

However, if you realise that you shouldn't be together anymore, then it has eased you into it, without the bluntness and drama of ending it abruptly. It is sad, but you sound as though you have a very clear and mature approach to it, which suggests to me that you'll both be absolutely fine whatever the outcome. good luck x

[asteroid99]

Something similar has happened with me recently. We were together for 6 years, and still love each other but it just felt like we were friends, the physical side was pretty much non-existant. I met someone else, and although it wasn't love and hasn't lasted, it made me realise that I did miss having a passionate relationship (I'm 26). I ended up finishing things with my boyfriend. But because we do still have feelings we've decided to have a total break from each other (couple of months) and we're going to meet up in March and go on a few dates, see whether we can rekindle things. Maybe this could work for you, make you realise if you're definately not in love or whether there is something there to save.

[Ethmer]

It could be that you two are no longer "in love" but still do love and find comfort with each other.

This comfortability could be preventing either of you from wanting to strike out on your own into this great big world of unknowns.

My suggestion would be to get involved in outside groups/interests which might make it easier to split up if that's what you want.

However, if finances are a big factor then staying together might be okay but allowing each other the freedom to date and develop relationships with others could be a workable alternative.

[Eeeek]

I was with my first proper boyfriend for 8 years, we got together when i was 17, married when i was 23 but I feel we married for the wrong reasons, ie, it seemed like the "next step" but i realise now that although i loved him i wasnt in love with him. when i left after a year of marriage it was really tough and i did miss him but it was absolutely the right thing to do for both of us. we have since gone on to form real loving passionate relationships with others. I would say if you are in any doubt, get out. You are only 24, dont put up with companionship, go out and find your soulmate and have some fun along the way

[alijangra]

I agree wholeheartedly with Englishbird. I went through something very similar a year ago, we went our seperate ways for a few months and I realised I couldnt live without him. He dated, so did I and nobody came close to him. We let pressures of work and money cloud our happiness, now we realise what is really important. We have been together 5 years in total, no plans to get married and have a family yet but we know it will come. We are 25 and 26, so like you, young enough to still enjoy each other and no pressure to start a family. Being apart will make you realise if you are right for each other. Do this before you get maried, have children as many people use that as a way to try and repair problems.

[lb24]

Thanks for all posts, each and every one is helpful. It is interesting that it could go either way (Eeeek or alijangra). I know a lot of long term relationships/marriages end up as friendships, but at 24 i do feel it is a bit early to give up on passion! I guess only time will tell which way we will go. Thanks everyone and good luck asteroid99 aswell!