pregnancy

[laurence2]

My sister-in-law has just found out that her sons girlfriend is pregnant.

They already have a 9 month old baby girl, The problem with this pregnancy {approx 4 months} is that they,ve just found out that the baby's head is twice the size of the babys body, The hospital have said in so many words it would be in there best interest to have a termination as the baby looks like it will be seriously handicapped both mentally/physically.

His girlfriend who is only {18} is very confused and so obviously turned to her mother for advice, To our astounishnent she told her daughter to go ahead with the pregnancy, and that the state would fund the upbringing of the baby with a 24 hour carer and that they would be provided with a car and be ok financially.

Her mother for the record is a serial benefit claimer like most of her family, and we feel she is being ill-advised by her mother, she's even saying she not going to the hospital in the morning now for further test, once again her mothers idea.

We feel she is being mis-guided as to what lies ahead,she's a frightened young lady and we are very concerned for her.

Your comments would be appreciated as we feel that all the information/advice we can give her will assist in this difficult decision.

Thankyou.

[horselady]

Everyone will have very different opinions on this. I would say a termination would be best, mainly because of the first child she already has. With a handicapped brother or sister, the first child, who is still very young, will not be able to have the attention she deserves. It's a horrid situation and everyone involved has my sympathy.

[Minxie]

Laurence, what a terrible time it must be for your brother and sister-in law. Very sad to read your post.

I dont think its down to her mother to tell her what to do. Claiming benefits for the poor child is not really the issue. Its the childs quality of life. And the strain it would put on your brother and his wife.

If the scan shows the baby will sadly be seriously handicapped when he/she is born and they advise a termination, then I am sure they are giving the appropriate advice. Though in saying that. Its still a very hard decision to make.

I have a close friend who was in a similar situation, but the abnormalities didnt show up until she had an amnosentis (sp) at around 20 weeks, and had a termination then.

I hope the choice they make is the right one for them.

I wish you well.

[treacle84]

Gosh I really feel for you and your family laurence. Horselady is right in saying there are going to be many mixed opinions on ths but I agree with her. I think a termination would be for the best for the sake of the 9 month old. The mother is wrong to force her opinion on her daughter and it really should be the couple's decision. Do you think your sister-in-law could talk to her and her son or is it too awkward? I wish you and your family well x

[noxlumos]

Poor wee girl.She needs maybe a little more time to think ( I know she's not got much due to her being 16 weeks gone) but she's going to feel overwhelmed and crowded both with people's advice and with information.

I'd hate to have to make a decision like that and whatever she decides, she needs absolute support from everyone, but if the child is going to have no quality of life then she, as it's mother, has to do the best thing for it and terminate her pregnancy. On the other hand, some disabled people do have a good quality of life,so she needs to take a few days away from it and then get as much solid information as she can from her medical team and make a decsion baed on factual informaiton and not on emotive feelings or cynical attempts to milk the benefits system.I really feel for the poor girl what a terrible thing to have to choose.

[laurence2]

Thank for your post.

Can i just point out that she really only has to the end of the week to make a decision, It really is a case tho of two different views between the families, ours being for the welfare of the baby & mother, and her mum for seeing pound signs for whatever reason.

Her mum is not the sit down type and talk it over person,This is where the problem lies and is the major sticking point in this girls decision, we,ve spoken to the mother, but its like talking to a brick wall.

[Philtaz]

I've put an answer in your mis-posted question in the Sport section.

[lia*]

i totally agree with everyone here.

[kick3m0n]

Laurie, so sorry to hear this awful news. You and your wife seem to be acting very sensibly and maybe all you can do is try to get the girl goes to hospital. If she feels she may want to go ahead with the pregnancy, you have to try to persuade her to go and see the doctors anyway, to let them know this. Explain to her that if she does go ahead with the pregnancy, the babies obvious physical defects mean that both baby (and her) will need very careful looking after for the next few months. This will not be a normal pregnancy like her last one, and will involve many hospital visits, just to monitor baby's condition (which may well deteriorate over the next few months as the abnormalities become more pronounced and development slows). I'd imagine with this sort of abnormality, the outlook regarding baby's future will just get worse and worse as teh due date approaches. In all honesty, this is the kind of abnormality that the woman's body often deals with itself, ie by miscarriage, and it's perhaps unfortunate for all concerned that this didn't happen in this case.

Also, maybe it's worth pointing out again just what a huge impact this baby will have on their oldest child. At 9 months, this baby needs mum and dad full time still, and it will definitely have a negative impact on oldest child when new baby arrives. I'm not sure how a 24 h carer and a car would make up for this baby not getting the time and attention it needs, which will certainly be the case.

I think the best you can do is get her to the hospital (can you offer to drive her there?) and then hope that the doctors and her partner can make her grasp the reality of the situation. It's an awful situation, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you all that it works out for the best Laurie. Big hugs to you all babes. Take care. xx

[laurence2]

kick, thank for the post.

Apparently i,ve just found out that they are testing for Edwards symdrome, i,ve just looked it up via google and the outcome IF true looks extremely bleak fot the baby.It seems if the baby does have Edward symdrome the baby will die before she gets to full term.

Fingers cross, i just wish her mother would wake up to the Real facts.

[kick3m0n]

Laurie, that's kind of what I feared....that the baby won't make it to full term (or past the first few days of life) and so the poor girl goes through a further tragedy, after months of heartache, stress and pressure. All the best again and if you feel you can, let us know what happens. xx

[clairelb]

How terribly sad and what an awful dilemma.

Is there anyway you can find out the actual condition and research it a bit more. Maybe if your son's girlfriend (and your son too, as he'll need as much info to support and cope with this himself), has all the information, facts etc and what it might be really like to cope with this baby - then she may be a little more able to make the decision herself.

I would also question the 24 hour carer given on the state thing. This is very unlikely to happen - I have been in a position helping someone look for possible assistance in caring for a terminal ill person - there really is very little help there in terms of people taking on the carer role.

I've just noticed she was due to go to the hospital this morning. I hope she went. If she didn't, I'm sure given the circumstances, a consultant will be available for her during the week. Whatever her decision, she'll still need a lot of support which is available from the hospital.

Good l

[clairelb]

Hi again.

I have just seen that you have since posted as I was writing my reply. Does your sister in law have internet access? I am sure there are support groups on line where she could talk to other girls in similar positions who may help her understand a bit more. I know there is one site www.fertilityfriends.co.uk where girls on there have experienced similar situations, but it isn't a site specifically for women/babies with this condition and she may not get all she is looking for, but it might be a starting point.

I am also sorry - I put your son rather than your brother.

[laurence2]

clairelb, thank for your post, She is due to go to the hospital at 14:00 hours today, The test she is due to have will comfirm any disabilities etc, As of last night she said she was not going, {Her mum's idea} We know she is frightened, but hopes she see commonsense.

[laurence2]

clairelb, sorry just to clarify, its my wife's sister's son & his girlfriend

[Bohne]

Like everybody else here, I really feel with you and the poor girl.
I hope the girl thinks about the strain it will put on her, her older baby and her relationship, even if she gets a carer for the baby.
Suggest that she finds out what help will be available, in case she decides to go through with it.
Not what her mother thinks/hopes she'll get.

I'll be thinking of her this afternoon, and hope she'll keep her appointment.

By the way, what is the baby's father's view?

[laurence2]

Bohne, At first he did'nt know what to think, He now knows the Bigger picture and like his girlfriend is scared, He's doing his best to convince her that the doctors know what their talking about, Hopefully she takes the advice thats been given to her.

[kick3m0n]

Laurie, I think it's worth her partner pointing out to her that if they do not go and get the tests done today, then the doctors will not know how to best treat her and the baby. So if she does want to go ahead with the pregnancy, she really MUST get a diagnosis, or the baby may well die before it can be helped. It must be very frightening, but in this case, especially if she currently wants to go ahead and have the baby, the very least she must do is find out exactly what is wrong with her child, and what she will have to deal with. All teh best again Laurie. I feel so very sad for you all in this situation. xx

[laurence2]

Thank kick, My wife's just been on to her mum, who in turn is saying that she's not going to the appointment today, I,ve downloaded information on Edwards symdrome, but am not sure weather to drive up and show them what the hospital are testing for.

It might have to be the case that if i upset her so be it, as she is making the wrong decision, We don't want to go along this line, but feel we have no alternative.

[morg_monster]

laurence I think you should give her the information, if she cannot obtain it herself. I'm sure you are a sensitive gentle person and will be able to deal with this well.

For the record, the idea of 24 hour care is laughable - no way. The only way to get 24 hour care for her child would be to reject it at birth and have it enter the care system. As for a car - again, highly unlikely. They will get help from the state - but it won't be enough - they will seriously struggle financially for the whole of the baby's life if it is born.

I can't believe your sister in law is encouraging her daughter to go through with this pregnancy. Having a disabled child changes lives forever - a disability as severe as this, even more so, especially at such a young age. This baby will require so much care and attention.

Again, I really think you should let her know your research. Maybe they don't realise how severely disabled the child will be, maybe they are imagining something 'milder' like Down's Syndrome. Make sure they know the low chance of firstly the child making it to term, and even then, of making it through their first year.

Most of all though, as kick3mon says, she must go to the doctors appointment. SHe can learn more about what they think it might be - you never know, it might possibly turn out to be something like hydrocephalus, which is usually easily dealt with these days, and often with few or no developmental problems.

[morg_monster]

one more thing - it is a shame you have so little time, it would be very interesting for your sister in law and the daughter to talk to a parent of a profoundly disabled child. They would be able to 'tell it like it is' while also appreciating the difficult emotional dilemmas - for example wondering whether it would be better if the child had never been born.

Once again though, if this means the most to her, you have to get through to them that they will definitely be worse off in financial terms with such a disabled child. All their money will go on buying special equipment not deemed necessary by the NHS, they'll never have 2 salaries at once - they won't be able to afford specialist childcare for the baby so one of them will have to be a full time carer. THis means they won't be able to go on holiday, and everything will have to be planned with military precision. If they don't have good salaries there may be no chance of living anywhere but a council flat. They will both be utterly exhausted all the time and it will put a HUGE strain on what I assume is a (fairly) young relationship, and on their other daughter. They also won't be able to cope without some serious support from their family - your sister in law will have to be there to help out too.

This has really touched me - I wish I could send along some of the parents I met when I worked at a special needs school. I really hope that the girl is able to make a decision on her own, once she has all the facts. I'm glad you and your wife are looking out for her too.