My boyfriend

[angel-cake]

My boyfriend of six years thinks he wants our relationship to end. We live together (renting) and have done so for over two years. Only two months ago we were applying for a mortgage and looking at houses.

Over the last month he has gone very cold towards me - almost to the point of being just plain rude. I have tried to talk to him but he just doesn't seem to want to and keeps making excuses. I have told him that I'm obviously not going to force him to stay with me but I think I deserve an explanation after 6 years together.

I'm pretty sure there is no one else involved but he does go out drinking with his mates nearly every friday and saturday night at the moment.

I love him but it's starting to fade due to the way he treats me now.

Should I fight for this or just give up and let him go?

He is 29 and I am 27.

[mullein3]

Sorry to hear about your predicament but how can you expect readers to give you an exact answer based on what you have said. Six years together is a long time and some people would say that he is worth fighting for, it could be a phase he is going through but I suspect that he has gone cold on the relationship for a reason. For any relationship to work a couple need to be working together for the same things, that does not appear to be happening in your relationship. I believe you need to know the reason he appears indifferent to you. If you decide to fight you will have to spy on him, check his pockets, mobile phone, e mails etc, get some one to watch him when he goes out with his mates, as I suspet he fancies someone else, or just walk out. The choice is yours.

[silverdaler]

i feel for you angel-cake.

sounds to me like he is looking for a way out.

start going out yourself. play him at his own game, be as distant as him and see if he likes it.

good luck hun

[GraceAnais]

i was with someone for 5 years and it was only at the point that we started talking about moving into together that i realised that i didn't want to be wth him. i was happy to cruise along in the relationship but when we started talking about 'moving to the next step' i realised that i didn't actually want to do those things with him. i was scared that we would fall into the trap of 'move in, get married, have kids' without actually being consciously aware of it.

i think maybe it has got to the point where he's realised he doesn't want to go that step further with you (i.e. buy somewhere together) and that is why he wants to suddenly end it.

you may want answers from your ex but mayb it's as simple as 'i'm just not in love with you anymore'. i would say get out. love is hard to find and it is not easy being single, but go by your instincts and leave before you give him the chance to hurt you anymore. if he's said that he doesn't want to be with you anymore then the writing is pretty much on the wall.

sorry if this is not what you want to hear.

[Rubyrose]

This is a horrible situation and 4 months ago I was in it.

I am 21 and had been with my ex (he is 24) for 5yrs. We moved in together a year ago and was renting. After a year of living together and having a great time, things in the relationship started to slide and he started snapping at me and being offish. I just put it down to the fact that a year before, he had lost his nan and it was coming up to around the same time of year that it happened. That was probably naive of me but I had been with him 5yrs and didn't for one minute think we would break up. However.. after a few months of him snapping and me trying to be patient with it... he ended things! We had NEVER broken up or even had a really serious row before. We had a great relationship and was so in love. He told me he ended things because he didn't feel that he loved me anymore but after nearly 2 weeks without him I found out he actually had feelings for a girl at his new job. He had fancied her for months. He told me she would NEVER stop me and him being friends as I had been a major part of his life! Within another 2 weeks.. he was telling me he couldn't be my friend as he felt he had something special with her! Its 4 months on and I don't see him.. not through lack of trying either. I have tried to be his friend on so many occasions but he says that she doesn't want him to be my friend so he can't be!

I don't know what my advice to you is really.. but I fought tooth and nail to make him stay and he didn't.. The only thing that was sacrificed was some of my pride! I begged, I cried, I tried, he left anyway, and now.. when I look back.. I know I should have just let him go.

"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If a man doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay"

[Rubyrose]

I think 6yrs is worth fighting for but to salvage a relationship you need one main factor.. and thats 'two willing people'. Maybe this is a good thing that you have noticed how he is acting with you before he has actually ended it, and maybe he won't end it and its just something he is dealing with. But at the same time.. in my 5yrs with my ex, he had never been offish with me like that before so when it happened I did notice the change but put it down to the death of his nan.

No-one can tell you what to do or how to act. We base our actions in the moment. I always said I wouldn't be the kind to beg someone to stay, but I did it. I don't know if I really regret it because if I didn't beg and he left anyway, then I would have always wondered if I had begged, would he have stayed! Its the unknown isn't it.

You won't know what to do until that moment comes. Nothing prepares us for it. I just hope you do whatever feels right for you. I wouldn't listen to anyone when they told me to leave him alone and give him time to miss me. I think I knew that he had made his mind up and leaving him alone would have meant he moved on and forgot me quicker!

Those 5yrs were nothing to him once he had made up his mind. I moved out boxing day and he met her the next day and told her he had feelings for her!!!

Time is a great thing.. it doesn't cure but it heals :o)

xx

[robbo82]

Speaking from a male perspective, I apologise on behalf fof my sex, I realise we can be b*stards sometimes, and it must be really tough for you when we are. All I'd say is, do you want to fight for it? Consider how you'd feel if he did go, would you be distraught or would it be a weight off your mind? As good as everyone's advice is, you're the only person who can truly decide what you should do

Whatever happens, I'm sure you'll make the right decision and, remember, us ABers are always here for you!

[angel-cake]

Thanks for everyones replies.

I feel our relationship has gone stale but it seems I'm willing to try again but he can't be bothered. I know I can't make him stay but I suppose I feel that after six years it shouldn't just end so easily.

Think I might try to fight for it a little bit but guess I'll just have to let him go if he adamant that there's no going back.

x

[WendyS]

I suspect that sadly after knowing each other for six years and two years of jogging along reasonably happily in rented accommodation which needs no long term commitment, he's suddenly faced with what he sees as the lifetime commitment of a mortgage and a permanent relationship and he's not ready to go there. I also suspect that he doesn't have the courage or guts to come out with the truth and is hoping that his behaviour of "blanking you" will force you into making the first move to break off the relationship. He perhaps isn't disloyal enough to admit to having a replacement for you lined up in the background but I believe that if he was really committed to your relationship he wouldn't be baulking in the manner you describe. Hard as it is for you to face up to, I suspect this relationship may have reached its limits and perhaps you should move out, and move on . If he accepts this without a fight you'll know that you've made the right decision. If he's really devastated about it, then perhaps at least you'll discover the real reason for his seeming lack of commitment.

[Rubyrose]

I agree with Wendy. I think he is trying to act nasty so you break down and tell him its over. My ex was the same and looking back it must have eased his guilt to be nasty to me but as I thought he was upset about his nan I let it all go over my head. It would have made it so much easier for him if I had snapped back and told him it was over. Then he would have been the victim.

I have always firmly believed that "A man doesn't leave unless he has something to leave for". As long as the man is getting sex, being reasonaly taken care of and not being abused in anyway.. he will put up with the relationship even if he doesn't feel he loves his partner anymore! Men don't normally leave unless they have something else lined up!

I have always believed this but I believe it more now after my ex left. He told me he had been unhappy for months and when I asked 'Why didn't you leave months ago then'?, He didn't have an answer! Its because months ago she wasn't in the picture!

[peterd]

I've been in this position before. We were together for 4 yrs & rented for the first 2. It was cosy at first but then when she started to push to actually buy somewhere I changed. I can't explain why, there was nobody else involved. She gave me loads of chances to walk away but I just let it drag on & we eventually bought somewhere. That was my mistake. We shouldn't have bought the house. I thought it would bring us closer but it didn't. We sold the house & split which made things worse from her point as she gave me enough chances to splitup. You just have to ask him outright & tell him you deserve the truth.

[raysparx]

Hello angel, could be that the commitment to a ,mortgage is a bit daunting for him, give him a bit of space, us blokes can be a bit scared at the thought of marriage,mortgage,children etc, we aren't as mature as you ladies. I hope this is all it is!

Good luck. Ray xx

[sammd]

I have also been in the same situation. No one else was involved, he just wasn't in love with me any more. If this is the case there's nothing you can do. It sounds like you both need to sit down and have a good chat. After 6 years together he should be able to tell you what's going on. I know it's really hard getting over a relationship but if it's not meant to be then there's another special someone out there who you are meant to be with. Good luck and we're here for you if you need to chat!

[Ethmer]

Could be that "seven-year itch" thing.

i'd make an "appointment" with him for a time when you and he can sit down and do some talking. When that time comes then calmly ask him what he wants for his future. Ask him if he wants to include you in his future. If his answer is negative then discuss with him how he wants to dissolve the relationship.

It is quite possible that since he is approaching 30, he is feeling down about his accomplishments so far in life and that that is negatively affecting the relationship.

Meanwhile, try building his self-esteem by complimenting him where appropriate, etc.

Good Luck!