Tough Spot

[dancealot13]

Well, my fear is coming true. I recently moved back from NYC after performing professionaly for a year. I moved back for several small reasons, but the big one was for my boyfriend of almost 6 years. Im 24 and he's 27. I love him but he doesn't want me to perform professionally. I started having anxiety attacks so intense that I throw up. The first one was at a baby shower, and the second was at a wedding. I feel like Im trying to live this life that just isn't for me, but Im trying to force myself because it's soooo safe. Here at home I have my bf who has a house, a great job, money, I have my family here, a steady job..blah blah blah and yet Im going NUTS inside. I want to be happy here but I just can't seem to stop thinking about going back to perform. If I go back to perform then I know it will end, and that leaves me very scared. I have always been independent and VERY confident..but now Im not.

I really don't have a question per-say, I just need some words of wisdom. Thank you.

[peterd]

why doesn't he want you to perform professionally ?

[ktlou]

Yeah, why doesn't he want you to perform professionally? If he loved you as much as you love him, he wouldn't care what you do, he'd be happy no matter what?

[dancealot13]

Because it means I have to leave for a few months at a time, and he doesn't want that.

[dot.hawkes]

in the grand scheme that is your lfe, for how many years will you be able to perform at the level you are now? It isn't a carer you can return to in later life, I would not test his love for you but I would try to explain about your strong ambition, how could he feel happy for you if he knew you were wanting to be somehwre else doing something else/

[jon1968]

There�s always compromises to be made within a relationship but it sounds to me like you�re the one doing all the compromising!?
Do what YOU want, it�s not being selfish it�s merely self fulfilment - otherwise I'd suggest you�re in danger of becoming resentful about your ambitions being stifled.
Have a good chat with your fella and explain your feelings rather than let it fester.
Take care.

[dancealot13]

Im afraid if I do leave, and we break up...years later Im going to regret it. The thing is, I want him to be my biggest fan, I want to hear him pushing me to perform and he doesn't because it's not the 'norm'.

He comes from a traditional italian family. He lives lieterally two blocks from his parents. And there is nothing wrong with that, but they're just more sheltered.

[bobis]

hi, you sound like a very caring and thoughtfull woman, who is trying to please your partner very hard.people very seldom get a second chance to be as happy doing the job that they love,(as you obviously do) if it is true love between you both then this should not stand in your way, if not then at least you have had the good sence to voice your oppinions to your partner, i myself would continue doing the job that makes me happy, to be scared of loosing a partner is only natural, but you obviously have a good heart and i am sure the future will be good to you, all the best with your decision.

[raysparx]

Dear dancealot, I get the feeling from reading your question,that you are truly born to perform and this should be the road you take,if your future with your boyfriend is to be,it will be,in the meantime be true to yourself,it is your life,if you would be sad not pursuing your dream, then you must follow that dream,just remember not many people in this life are paid to do something they love,you are blessed if you are one of them, take care, Ray xx

[Miss Zippy]

Performing is part of who you are and you will regret it more in years to come if you are not allowed to follow your dream. So you have a 'safe' life where you are now but that hardly sounds exciting for a dynamic young woman. Go for safe when you're in your 40s if you have to but not now! So what if your bf can offer financial security? Unless you have plans of being a kept woman or a stay at home mum that's not really important is it?

[ktlou]

oh dancealot, I can't imagine how tough this must be for you! Relationships are built on compromise and honesty and it sounds like you are the one compromising everything and you aren't being honest with yourself or your bf. If you don't do what you want because of your bf, you'll start to regret it and will blame him for you not following your dream, which will have a bad effect on your relationship later down the line. I really think you have to follow your heart - if it's performing thats going to make you happy for the rest of your life, with no regrets, then thats what you have to do. If it's your bf then maybe explain how your feeling to him and see if he can do some compromising too! Good luck lovie! x

[dancealot13]

Your comments brought tears to my eyes. As much as our hearts and body tells us things, it is often so difficult to listen.

Raysparx- I was touched when you said you had a feeling I was born to perform, especially because we don't know eachother. Ill just share a bit with you. I started performing when I was about 7, and now at 24 I've been in close to 40 musicals. Getting work has never been too difficult for me and I thank God for that. I've been living in fear because I feel like there are two lives God is offering me, and I feel like I have to pick RIGHT NOW- #1 Boyfriend, security, family, #2- Following my dream. I guess I just can't be in fear anymore. I just have to leap for #2. How hard life can be, but I will regret in future. I've only been home for 6 months and Im already feeling uneasy. -thank you.

[dancealot13]

You are all right. I have to go back and perform. It's scary knowing that I need to make a decsion that is going to bring me a lot of pain and worry. It's going to be hard not having him in my life to tell me he loves me. Sometimes I wish we didn't get along so great so it would be easier. Life can be so hard .

[raysparx]

dear dancealot, get yourself back to Broadway and dance like you have never danced before, I have been to NY once and loved it, if you go back there and are in a show on Broadway, I will fetch my wife over from the UK to see you perform, but you really have to go for it, you say your boyfriend is italian,well as you will know not many good italian boys stray far from mamma, don't let anyone or anything hold you back, take care, Ray xx

[WendyS]

dancealot - if you have been performing since you were 7 this will be a huge part of your life and your identity to give up, and all the long hours of training and practicing you have put in will have lost and count for nothing. That is a huge sacrifice to keep your man content and I suspect that however much you love him, if you do give up there will be a secret part of you will always carries a burning resentment about it. When you say your boyfriend comes from a traditional Italian family, I suspect that this is the root of the problem and that he really hasn't come to terms with the emancipation of women and the idea of them having their own career (unless it's one that can be indulged between 9 a.m. and 4 p.m. so that you can be home first to cook his dinner and iron his shirts before he arrives home from work. Or perhaps he just wants you at home where he can keep his eye on you?

This conflict is obviously greatly undermining your confidence in yourself amd making you miserable. I suspect you probably know what you need to do, i.e. be a free spirit and continue to live the fulfilled life you have been enjoying to date. It's a heartbreaking decision to make but ask yourself how long it will be before your love for him turns to resentment and bitterness if all your lifetime ambitions are cut off in their prime.

This man has been your only boyfriend for six years so you must have met when you were only 18. You haven't had a chance to get to know any other men who may well have a much more enlightened view about your career. Take your chances while you can and enjoy them. When you're an arthritic old lady of 80 and can only hobble on your zimmer you may well regret not having seized the opportunity and found how far you can go.

[Miss Zippy]

There are people that would kill to be in your shoes dancealot13 and it would be a great shame to let your obvious talent go to waste. I ended a 9 year relationship when I was 27 for similar reasons (it didn't involve dancing (!) but I was with someone who wanted me to get married, have children and not pursue my career ambitions). Six years later, I'm engaged to the man of my dreams and have the career I always wanted so you can have it all :o) Good luck.

[andy-hughes]

Little to add dancealot, since we all seem to be giving you our support with the same message.

The decision must be so hard for you, but from what you say, your boyfriend is trying to enforce his own, or more likely his family's cutural predjudices on you, which is simply not right. Men have a choice in this world - do they want to be sons / brothers for ever more, or are they going to be partners / husbands, with all the responsibilities to someone els that is involved.

As adults we make our own lives. yes we include our families if possible, but we don't work around them, and we especially don;t expect our loved ones to work around them as well.

Your boyfriend can break the mould, accept what you do and be seriously proud of you (I would be!) and adapt to your absences, and if his family don;t like it, then that's a shame, but the two of you come first, or ...

he can continue to place restrictions on your dreams and ambitions to placate people you have inherited by loving him, but who are not directly connected to you, and have no business dictating your life.

Go to New York - if he really loves you, he will accept that you need to do this, if it's a breaking point, then he is simply not the one for you, because he is putting his family's wishe before yours, and his happiness.

I hope he sees that to love you, he must accept your gift and talent, and your right to enjoy it while you can. If he doesn't. it is sadly his loss. You will have your dancing to sustain you, and ytou can move on if you have to, he is chained, and will be uhappy to loose you.

Let us know - and make sure you are back on Broadway as soon as you can get there!

A x

[raysparx]

Glad andy came along,he allways makes sense,he puts into words the things I think but can't put into words, cheers andy, Ray

[dancealot13]

(sniffle) Every one of you have hit the nail on the head. That's my story in a nutshell.

Wendy- You are exactly right. This conflict has brought self-doubt/ and lack of confidence in myself. And yes he does want a house wife, and I would be expected to stay home when children are in the picture.

Mrs. Zippy- Your story is beautiful. I needed to hear it because it gives me inspiration. Thank you, and congradulations on your engagement ;)

AndyH- hello. My boyfriend does do everything you said, but of course not on purpose..he just doesn't see past his 'picture', and I don't think he ever will. Loosing him is going to be really hard, but I know him and I are just not insinc.

I have to go back to NYC. Thank you.

[raysparx]

God bless,and good luck dancealot, don't forget when you are on Broadway it would be a pleasure to come over to see you up where you belong, will you sign my programme of the show for me?

Take care,and good luck, Ray xx

[andy-hughes]

I am glad and sad for you in equal measure.

You know, I know, we all know, that going back is the right thing fo you, but it won't stop the pain of parting. The pain won;t last for ever, but the joy and success of your caeer most certainly will.

Stay in touch with us.

A x