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Am I being selfish?
11 Answers
My boyfriend of nearly 4 years has applied for a job (and got it) but its far enough away, for him to give up his flat, and move away. Live away and I get to see him (at most) 4 nights a month.
I am not happy with this, as I want to see him more. He says I am being selfish. Am I?
I am not happy with this, as I want to see him more. He says I am being selfish. Am I?
Answers
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It's hard for you.
If you make boyfriend stay you will still not be satisfied because in reality you need him to not want to move from you.
The fact that is prepared to will just eat away at you.
Time to take a long, hard look at your relationship and decide which is the way to go forward.
As I see it you have three choices:
1. He moves and you see if other as and when. Long distance relationships can and do work but only if both are happy with the arrangement.
2. You move with him. Is that a realistic option?
3. You make a clean break.
All I will say is do nothing rash - take your time before both of you decide.
If you make boyfriend stay you will still not be satisfied because in reality you need him to not want to move from you.
The fact that is prepared to will just eat away at you.
Time to take a long, hard look at your relationship and decide which is the way to go forward.
As I see it you have three choices:
1. He moves and you see if other as and when. Long distance relationships can and do work but only if both are happy with the arrangement.
2. You move with him. Is that a realistic option?
3. You make a clean break.
All I will say is do nothing rash - take your time before both of you decide.
Thanks Metz and Ethel.
Metz......Do I trust him? well we had a break of less than 2 months, and he slept with someone else, so trust is an issue with me. He can trust me 100%.
I cant move as I have children with me. And I did say to him that our relationship could not stand the strain.
Ethel.......its already eating away at me, the fact that he can move on so easily. He thinks we can have our relationship still while he is miles away. But I think he is just saying that, because he wants the job.
Metz......Do I trust him? well we had a break of less than 2 months, and he slept with someone else, so trust is an issue with me. He can trust me 100%.
I cant move as I have children with me. And I did say to him that our relationship could not stand the strain.
Ethel.......its already eating away at me, the fact that he can move on so easily. He thinks we can have our relationship still while he is miles away. But I think he is just saying that, because he wants the job.
Ok m'darlin, this is a tough one!
If trust wasnt an issue, I would have said, give it a go, as that would have been all you could do, as its clear his mind is made up.
However, you are going to be the one who will struggle with this the most as you lack trust in him, and are feeling hurt that he would move so far away without considering the impact it will have on you.
For him, he is blinkered by the excitement of a new job and opportunity, so wont see the downsides, in his head there arnt any as its a positive thing for him, and therefore will think that you are being unreasonable to have issues with this, when he sees there are none.
If this is going to work, its down to you, You will have to make compromises, and accept a realtionship thats on his terms, and all the while questionning his loyalty and motives. If you love him and dont want to lose him, and can take all of this on board, then give a go, see where it leads. If all the above sounds like your going to end up stressed, heart broken, and damaging your self esteem, then its time to move on. You have to ask yourself, can I live my life as an attached woman, but rarely seeing the man I am attached to? Such relationships work, but they are bloody tough, and thats even where there is complete trust and a very strong bond.
If trust wasnt an issue, I would have said, give it a go, as that would have been all you could do, as its clear his mind is made up.
However, you are going to be the one who will struggle with this the most as you lack trust in him, and are feeling hurt that he would move so far away without considering the impact it will have on you.
For him, he is blinkered by the excitement of a new job and opportunity, so wont see the downsides, in his head there arnt any as its a positive thing for him, and therefore will think that you are being unreasonable to have issues with this, when he sees there are none.
If this is going to work, its down to you, You will have to make compromises, and accept a realtionship thats on his terms, and all the while questionning his loyalty and motives. If you love him and dont want to lose him, and can take all of this on board, then give a go, see where it leads. If all the above sounds like your going to end up stressed, heart broken, and damaging your self esteem, then its time to move on. You have to ask yourself, can I live my life as an attached woman, but rarely seeing the man I am attached to? Such relationships work, but they are bloody tough, and thats even where there is complete trust and a very strong bond.
you are in your 40s and the git is laying down the law? Stand up and be counted girl! If You can find him amongst the rabble, you can do it again,. there isn't any love there, do the experiment, watch 'Sleepless In Seatle', if u think he would have said the words as she said the words, he is worth it, if not, try again, there are more blokes than birds and they are expendable.
What has he said about it? IS he okay with the long distance aspect. Or would her prefer you to go too?
I think you need to decide if you're okay with him going? Do you think the relationship will last; Not just worrying about his fidelity during the absence but about how the dynamic of the relationship will change; him not being home for you to chat to when you get in, seeing the kids (all be they, not his kids) etc etc.
If you're not (which is what it sounds like) you need to tell him his going away affects you as well as him, and your kids. And whilst you want the most for him, you don;t want that at the expense of the quality of the relationship.
And if you can't move. And he won't budge on not going, it sounds like you're at a bit of a cross roads
If not
I think you need to decide if you're okay with him going? Do you think the relationship will last; Not just worrying about his fidelity during the absence but about how the dynamic of the relationship will change; him not being home for you to chat to when you get in, seeing the kids (all be they, not his kids) etc etc.
If you're not (which is what it sounds like) you need to tell him his going away affects you as well as him, and your kids. And whilst you want the most for him, you don;t want that at the expense of the quality of the relationship.
And if you can't move. And he won't budge on not going, it sounds like you're at a bit of a cross roads
If not
He has obviously weighed up his options and has put his career before you. If this had been a serious relationship he surely would have discussed the "what if's" with you when he applied for the job and how you would jointly deal with it if he was successful.
He clearly hasn't done this and though I know this will sound hurtful, it sounds as if your relationship comes lower in priority to him that his career prospects.
You're obviously are not living together, so it sounds to me as if your relationship was never 100% committed for permanance. Also. you say he has also slept with somebody else at one point so he's clearly not trustworthy.
I guess it's time to accept that your time together is coming to an end in terms of serious commitment. If you can continue to be friends fair enough, but I suspect he simply wants to move on and may even have applied for the job knowing that he would physically have to relocate.
You're not being selfish but now it's time to concentrate on your needs and those of your childre and stop dancing to his tune.
He clearly hasn't done this and though I know this will sound hurtful, it sounds as if your relationship comes lower in priority to him that his career prospects.
You're obviously are not living together, so it sounds to me as if your relationship was never 100% committed for permanance. Also. you say he has also slept with somebody else at one point so he's clearly not trustworthy.
I guess it's time to accept that your time together is coming to an end in terms of serious commitment. If you can continue to be friends fair enough, but I suspect he simply wants to move on and may even have applied for the job knowing that he would physically have to relocate.
You're not being selfish but now it's time to concentrate on your needs and those of your childre and stop dancing to his tune.
this happened to me once.
it was about 8 years ago and i'd been with him 3 years, and he wasn't the brightest spark.
it was a job as a pub manager, he was gardener so i don't kno why he wanted to do this except that the pub was being run by his friends, so it wasn't career thing and i suspect the couple, who were party animals, just wanted some mug to run the pub so they go disappear whenever they wanted.
i told him if he would rather run a pub in margate (we live in liverpool) than stay here with me, if it means more to him, then he should go, as i don't want him with me if he doesn't really want to be, but i wont be coming to visit him.
he didn't go.
we split up later anyway.
if the job means more to him than being with you - let him go, he is not the one
(unless it is a job in a million that he couldn't do anywhere else and has been his life's dream)
it was about 8 years ago and i'd been with him 3 years, and he wasn't the brightest spark.
it was a job as a pub manager, he was gardener so i don't kno why he wanted to do this except that the pub was being run by his friends, so it wasn't career thing and i suspect the couple, who were party animals, just wanted some mug to run the pub so they go disappear whenever they wanted.
i told him if he would rather run a pub in margate (we live in liverpool) than stay here with me, if it means more to him, then he should go, as i don't want him with me if he doesn't really want to be, but i wont be coming to visit him.
he didn't go.
we split up later anyway.
if the job means more to him than being with you - let him go, he is not the one
(unless it is a job in a million that he couldn't do anywhere else and has been his life's dream)
THANK YOU all very much for your replies.....I wont make this a long winded reply, as I posted the question last night, and I doubt anyone will read it now ...
But all the points made by you, are all the very same things that have been in my head.
I cant stand in the way of his career so I have told him that our relationship could not stand the long distance. And I have (sadly) ended our relationship. He wanted us to try and see if it would work. But in my heart I know it wont.
But thanks to you all for listening. xx
But all the points made by you, are all the very same things that have been in my head.
I cant stand in the way of his career so I have told him that our relationship could not stand the long distance. And I have (sadly) ended our relationship. He wanted us to try and see if it would work. But in my heart I know it wont.
But thanks to you all for listening. xx
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