Who (if anyone) is right?

[Trotbot]

I travel a fair amount for work, and usually buy my wife a present each time, ranging from perfume to handbag(s). I recently was on a trip and bought a Hermes scarf.

I usually ask colleagues if they want anything on a cash on delivery basis. I bought a female colleague a box of chocolates that cannot be bought in this country (total cost 5 pounds) and a male colleague some shoe polish. The chocolate was readily available at the airport, the shoe polish took a special trip to a shop.

My wife took great exception to the chocolates, and we have argued ever since. She does not care in the slightest about the shoe polish. She also decided she didn't like the scarf, but that might be unrelated to the chocolate incidence. I maintain she is totally over-reacting. She is convinced that I acted inappropriately by buying a female colleague chocolates. Stupid though this seems, our whole relationship is in trouble because she won't leave it alone even though I threw the chocolates in the bin. They ended up being crushed and stuffed into my computer bag, which took some cleaning.

Forgetting the reaction, does she have a point? Have I been foolish or disloyal? And then the reaction - justifiable?

[mazie]

If the shoe polish had been for the female and the chocolates for the male, would she have re-acted in the same way?

[PinkFizz]

did the female colleague actually ask you to buy her chocolates ?

[asteroid99]

I don't think you've done anything wrong. If you'd bought the choccies as a gift then that would be different, however if she is paying for them, I don't see how it's any different to the shoe polish? Does your wife know they weren't a gift?

[kazminx]

she is being totally ridiculous....my hubby would act like that but i wouldnt. my hubby has worked away for years and never buys me anything..she is very lucky. ive never ever questioned him but he doesnt trust me!!! hello!! its him who is away sharing a flat with 3 guys in some fantastic places..i still wouldnt do it though....wasted energy..i just enjoy him when he's home!

[warpig1]

trotbot, don't see that you have done anything wrong but from her reaction it would appear that it may be about more than just the chocolates.

[China Doll]

I have to say that I personally think she's overeacting. My ex travelled a bit with his job and always brought stuff back for his team whether he was asked to or not. His team at the time were all women. It wasn't a problem, I just took it that he was a nice guy. I always bring stuff for people back whether they are male or female too.

Without meaning to sound rude or offensive, is there another possible reason for her overeaction?

[B00]

She had a problem with you buying chocolates for someone who was going to pay you back for them? Is that right?

Tell you what, I'll divorce Mr Boo, and run away with you. You can buy me all the perfume, handbags and Hermes scarves you want and I wouldn't care less what other stuff you were bringing back for others!

In all seriousness- it really does seem she's making a mountain out of a molehill. Could she possibly be using this incident to disguise a deeper more probmatic problem you may have in your marriage?

[Octavius]

Clearly you are in the wrong.

You must remember that this is a woman you are dealing with and more importantly your wife. They, are never in the wrong.

[laurence2]

Trobot, their seems a trust issue here, i buy women drinks in front of my wife, does she say anything {no} because we love and TRUST each other, your wife seems insecure to me

[hectic]

Hi, i think your wife is totally over-reacting here, she is not very self confident and thinks you may have feelings for this other person or something! Try discussing the subject calmly with her and see how that goes, good luck

[Miss Zippy]

Most outsiders will see your wife's behaviour as being unreasonable. But then, no-one else knows the ins and outs of another person's relationship. There could be a whole host of reasons why your wife is feeling threatened and insecure that we can't possibly know about so you need to do some digging to find out the root cause of her apparent jealous behaviour.

[Trotbot]

Thank you for your comments. Yes, my colleague asked for them and my wife knew there were going to be paid for. I am not aware of deeper problems, but them again, I am a man and probably wouldn't notice until clothes were packed!

I will try asking if there is anything more to it, but so far it seems to be the principle of making an effort to please another woman. Not that any effort was involved, they were by the checkout at the duty free shop. I worry that ultimately Octavius may be right.

[andy-hughes]

I think your wife's reaction is what's known in counselling terms as a 'presenting problem - the issue is not that you bought chocolates, it's that your wife feels this is indicative of something deeper.

You need to sit down with your wife somewhere in public - a restaurant is always good because it can't decend into a screaming match, and ask her why she was so upset. The key is to loistenm to everything she says without interupting.

Tell her that you understand why she is upset, and that you deeply regret having caused the argument. Tell her that the purchase was on a 'c.o.d.' basis, and not as a gift, and is no different from the shoe polish for your male colleague.

Tell your wife that if she'd prefer you not to bring gifts under these terms, you will comply with her wishes, and then reassure her that you love her and she has nothing to worry about.

On no account try to minimise your wife's reaction - telling her she is over-reacting simply makes her feel foolish as well as hurt - and that's what this is about.

Why not surprise her with a weekend away, and spoil her rotten? It may be that your absences breed insecurity - how ever ill-founded. Remember, you know you are faithful, your wife is feeling some doubts. even though rationally she knows you won;t stray, emotionally she feels vulnerable, and this incident is the trigger that has released her feelings which she has bottled up.

[andy-hughes]

ctd. .....

No you haven't done anything wrong, but this not a time to stand on your dignity just because you are in the right.

Your wife needs some reassurances and lots of love, and everything will get back to nromal.

[Wee Kaz]

Trotbot, you are not in the wrong here. Buying chocolates for a female colleague when she gave you the money is as innocent as the shoe polish. The fact that she doesn't care about the polish for the guy in your work to me shows she's a little insecure and probably not very confident in your relationship. On the face of things I don't see that that is your fault. I would sit down and talk with her and try and make her see that there was nothing in it and it was completely innocent, if she can't accept that and doesn't have any reason to disbelieve you then she's the one being completely childish and unreasonable and as your wife it should show how generous you actually are to her and others.

[Ed Strong]

Speaking as a married women of some 35 years (I married young!!) I agree with the others here: there is more going on with your wife than just the buying of chocolates for a work colleague, especially as you weren't giving them as a gift & she zoomed in on that rather than the shoe polish. I think you both need to calm down and choose a time when you're not likely to punch each other out and have a good heart-to-heart.

Failing that, get a divorce, marry me & shower me with gifts. Boo & I can fight it out between us for the privilege ;-)

[Peghead]

I've overreacted to silly things like that before, but fortunately my partner knows how to deal with me as I was pretty low on self esteem at the time. After a bit of reasurance from him (after the shouting matches of course!) I usually felt stupid and guilty for not trusting him.

Bear in mind that even if she knows that her initial reaction was wrong and completely out of line she's probably sticking to her guns now because she doesn't want to look foolish. It takes a lot for some of us women to admit we were wrong!

Being apart from each other for days/weeks at a time is quite a strain (believe me I know), perhaps she's finding it harder to cope with than you realise? I hope you manage to get things sorted, you obviously both love each other a lot or else you wouldn't be arguing!

[Ed Strong]

*woman* - not a plural!!

[PinkFizz]

just out of interest,is this female colleague attractive? Would she have reacted this way if she was 65 and 19 stone?? Maybe she thinks you fancy this woman.