Living Arrangements

[Amber1571]

Hi People,

Right, I will try and keep this short and straight to the point. I have been with my guy for about 17 months. Now I live with him in his house. All my possessions are here, my mail comes here. However, I still have and pay for a rented house which I lived in prior to 'us'. All that is in that house is my furniture, ie; bed, freezer, tumble dryer, etc. I have cancelled my SKY, landline, etc. at his request to save money . Still, he says he is not ready for me to give my notice on my house. It is his safety net. He has been married before, and came out of the divorce with the clothes on his back and nothing else. I am living in limbo and it is costing me a fortune. What shall I do?

[chrissiekins]

You both seem to have valid points. He's obviously not ready for a live-in girlfriend following his last experience (that's not to say he doesn't love you..). He likes you living with him because you choose to, not because you have to. On the other hand, you're forking out for a room you're not living in.
Only you two can sort this out by coming to an agreement. If he isn't ready to commit to living together, it would probably make him resent you if he felt forced into it. On the other hand, you're all over the shop. Hmmm... why not keep your place on a little while longer - say 3 months. Set a deadline. Good luck!

[scoobysoo]

Could you not sub-let the house somehow, or get a lodger on a short term lease basis?

[joko]

tell him straight - you cannot pay for both places - its one or the other and unless he's prepared to pay all the bills etc for the new place then you must give up the old place.
if he will pay then consider keeping it on - it is your safety net too.

aside from anything - its up to you, not him, when you choose to stop paying for the other property

[Amber1571]

Hi Chrissiekins, you are quite right, but this situation doesn't half make me feel sooo insecure. Even though we do all the normal things like a proper living together couple, food shopping etc., (of course I do not give towards any bills - I couldn't afford too as I still pay Rent, Council Tax, Water Rates) but it is so hard, and I worry I am letting myself in for a big fall, but then I would feel that anyway as I am insecure.

Scoobysoo - I cannot let the house to a stranger, due to the circumstances, and I don't know anyone who wants to rent, otherwise that would be perfect.

We are going to Prague next month for a week, our first holiday, so perhaps I will give it a few more months before I mention the subject again. Trouble is, I am scared, if he says he is still not ready, does that mean he is not committed to me and how long do I keep flushing this money down the toilet..??
Thanks for listening anyway. x

[steviep165]

rent it out through an agency. most estate agents do it now, and they'l make sure the tenants are responsible towards the property. they charge a percentage of the monthly rent, all you have to do is deposit the cheque.

good luck anyhoo!!

[Amber1571]

Steviep165 - can't do that. I rent it already, it isn't my house, I am a private tenant.

[chrissiekins]

It's a tough one Amber - hopefully this won't put a dampener on your holiday!

It's easy to see why you'd be insecure, but at this stage it's better to be together but living apart (to give your relationship time to develop), than to be together and letting this rip you apart because someone's got the jitters. Honestly (and forgive my directness), wait a few months and see how things develop between you. It's going to go either way, but I wouldn't force the issue!
Keep your room, (sub-letting is a bad idea btw).

[Amber1571]

Thanks Chrissiekins, you talk sooo much sense, wish you had a magic wand too. I will bide my time, try not to worry about the future too much, continue to - go round to my 'empty' house and mow the lawn once or twice a month and check it hasn't been burgled, watch my pennies, and give it a few more months. Then I will get back to you...

Thanks x

[CrazyDaisy80]

I was in exactly the same Situation as you.... Lived with a Guy, my Stuff was there, my Mail came to the House, but he wouldn't put me on the Voters Roll and he wouldn't let me give Notice on the Place I was already living in. Most strange. It's very confusing and makes you feel weird I agree. But the most important Thing I learnt from this Situation was that you have to do what makes you feel better. It made me feel horrible knowing he didn't want me there fully. I am not saying that the following is gonna happen to you, and I Pray that it doesn't but when I told him this he hit me.
Seems I was correct to be cautious about him and I moved back to my Place in less than a Day.
I always think if it feels wrong it is wrong. Your feelings count for a lot.
Ask yourself what you would be thinking if the Situation was reversed. Talk to him about it. He may surprise you....
Good Luck and I really hope it all goes well for you....
CrazyDaisy80
xXx

[RogerMellie]

Hmm..let me get this right...you live with him but you don't LIVE with him? Does he have the final say on all matters regarding HIS place? (excuse capitals for emphasis).

I live with my current partner, having left someone else for her. She had her own house in Wales, I live near London. I also came out of my former relationship with not much to show (made a financially-regretted hasty exit) but am back on my feet with a nice new place. After a while my new GF moved in but from day 1 we made it an equal footing. She has rented her own place out (I appreciate you cannot do that) but we did things very much from the point of view that its stupid to pay for two properties for both of you.

Reading your question I have to say that if someone was happy to let me live there as a cohabiting couple but refused to let me move in full time I would question their commitment. The very fact he has used the phrase 'safety net' conjures up images of someone not 100% committed.

I think you need a serious chat with him about where things are going. Granted he may have been taken to the cleaners by his ex-wife, but unless you are married you have no legal right to take anything from him if you were (I hope not) to part in the future, so that argument holds little water.

I suspect, speaking from a bloke's perspective, that he enjoys some aspects of his bachelor lifestyle and isn't quite wiilling to give them up yet. Doesn't make him a bad person, but I think he should be more straight with you.

Good luck, hope you thrash it out.

[Amber1571]

Hi CrazyDaisy80 and RogerMellie, Thanks both for your answers. CrazyDaisy, it does feel right being here and being together. I am sorry to hear about your situation, that is for sure.
RogerMellie, its so weird - he doesn't really have the final say on HIS house - in the sense that I chose the decor for the bedroom and hallway, etc. Like I said, everything of mine is here even down to pots and pans, kitchen scales, all clothes, CD's the lot, save for big furniture.

Thing is, he doesn't lead a Bachelor life in the sense that he doesn't go out - at all, socially, alone, oh I don't know.

Thing is, I don't want us to split and I don't think he does either, but at the same time, I cannot afford to keep chucking money away every month. What would happen if my Landlord gave ME notice? Would he expect me to find somewhere else?

I will give it another couple of months (because I am scared) on the occasions I have brought the subject up, it has lead to a big argument with him accusing me of spoil everything and starting trouble "cos everything was going fine....."

Thanks for listening.

x

[RogerMellie]

Hey Amber i was just following up on my Q&A's - just wondered if you got this sorted out? Hope so!

[Amber1571]

Hi RogerMellie,

Well, we are getting there slowly, I think.. I am in the process of renting out my place to my friend's estranged hubby as they want to 'date' before they decide to live together again.. (of course I am renting the property on the quiet as I am not allowed to really do this) so that will save me paying rent for a few months and my boyfriend is content with this,I have moved ALL my stuff out of my place and brought it here as my tenant has his own stuff, and I have made it quite clear to my boyfriend that once my tenant goes - as it is only a temporary arrangement, perhaps six months, then I will give the house up and I will not be paying for an empty house anymore.

I will keep you posted.....

x

[Amber1571]

Hello, thought I would up date you as there has been bit of progress somewhat. I have now given Notice on my place - a joint decision, still feel very nervous though, particularly when he asked me a hyperthetical question earlier, what would I do if we broke up and he asked me to leave... I just replied i would find somewhere to rent, and if need be, stay with a friend for a short while. And he wonders why I am so insecure..?? Anyway, it's done now, just thought I would be jumping up and down about it...

x