relationship advice needed

[total novice]

I got married in July this year and i thought i had a brilliant relationship with my husband we have a laugh we are the best of friends as well as lovers. The problem is today he has told me about a year ago he had sex with another woman while we were engaged to be married. My world has been turned upside down i love him so much and he has said it was a mistake and he loves me and wants our marriage to work I hope someone has some advice for me to get past this and save my marriage.

[dot.hawkes]

I am sorry my advice is negative, I really think he would be a candidate for doing it again, maybe you would spend years looking for the clues. It's up to you.

[lightoftruth]

well at least he told you himself and wasn't willing to keep it a secret from you forever. That does do him "some" credit.

[dot.hawkes]

sorry, negative again.what if he has a sheep-as-a-lamb mentality and he actually had a long term relationship with this woman and has dumped her to get engaged to you? maybe this woman has tried to threaten to tell u and he has decided to come vclean but make it sound less of a big deal? Sorry I must watch too much tele!!!!!!! : (

[electricblue]

been there tn,stayed with him but its changed me,coz now,he's always waiting for me to return the favour,not got no interest but its in his head,things are better now but getting trust back is a hard slog,if you want your marriage to work you need to clear the air now,coz throwing it back at him every time you have an argument will keep it in your relationship for years to come!

[laurence2]

Agree with dot, he'll do it again, how can you trust him from now on, i feel for you as your in love with him, i wonder if he had the same FEELINGS FOR YOU when he had sex with this other woman
Its easy to say DUMP THE AR$EHOLE but only you can be the judge of that, i would not be so forgiven, if my wife cheated on me, it would be over

I hope you come to the right decision.

Good luck

[total novice]

From what he has told me it was a one night stand he doesnt even know her name. He walked away in the middle of the it. She was a married woman. I am scared of what it will do to me as i might throw it back in his face all the time and that is something that will kill our relationship. Which i dont want has anyone got any ideas how a relationship can move on from this together.

[electricblue]

See a councillar if you need but you have to be 100% sure you both want this!

[sophie_1003]

I wouldn't agree with the idea "once a cheat always a cheat" he's only human and he can make mistakes, even if they are really horrible ones like cheating on you! If you think you can trust him again then try and make it work. Marriages can last for a lifetime and you'll have to get through hard things together, but you'll also have the chance to do some great things together, don't let what happened on one night ruin what could be something amazing. If you weren't married I'd think differently but he's committed to you and I wouldn't want to give that up if I were you.

[tradey]

sorry to hear this but i say once a cheater always a cheater. my mates hubby did it once said he was sorry and did it four more times.if you can forgive him then be it but if you dont trust him anymore then i dont see the point

[laurence2]

its your call at the end of the day, yes their are councillars etc to aid/point you in the right direction, but you will ALWAYS have doubts, thats human nature, you said it was a one night stand and he did'nt even no her name, yea right!!
its amazing how people in life are SUDDENLY forgetful when they have done something wrong, it comes down to how forgiven you are, law of averages will say i,m afraid that he will more than likely DO IT AGAIN as hes had a taste of it

It comes down to YOUR TRUST against HIS TEMPTATION,
the latter being the favourite to fail

[Suzyboo]

As was said on the other thread, he isn't being fair to you with the timing of this - his confession should have been before the wedding. In order to move forward together you need to feel you understand not only why he did it,but why he has only told you now and you need to be able to trust that it was a one off. Lots of talking and time are needed before you will know if you can or even should get past this

[suffragette]

Relationships go through difficult periods and couples often get their priorities wrong, but for such a betrayal to occur when the relationship should be at its most exciting sexually, causes me to doubt his ability to refrain from straying in the future.

I suppose you have to decide if his confession and apology is as heartfelt as he would have you believe. Ask yourself whether it is in your best interests to forgive him or find someone else more worthy of and satisfied by, your love and devotion.

[chrissiekins]

I don't agree with cheating, but I do believe that men certainly have the capacity to differentiate between sex and love. The fact that he did it (probably because he was just drunk and 'up for it'), but walked away because he valued what he had with you must have made him realise he didn't need fulfil a sexual urge (and thats all it was) as much as he wanted to be with you.

God, I realise that makes me look like I'm defending him - I'm not, and if my man did it to me I'd be heartbroken. Relationship counselling may dredge it up and make the subject linger. You're never going to forget this, but you can move on together and accept that it really was just a physical liaison - that was probably nowhere near as exciting as you imagine it was.

[ewand]

Superb answer from Chrissiekins. I must admit I do get very frustrated to the answers to these types of posts. If you have got married, obviously the relationship is very important to you. Also, as you stated you have a brilliant relationship and are the best of friends, therefore all of the posts saying "dump him" and "he'll do it again" etc. are not taking into account how important your relationship is to you.

What he did to you is absolutely disgraceful, unacceptable and he certainly owes you big time. But he has told you he has done it, it has been the only time he has done it (as far as you know) and he clearly regrets it. He has made a mistake, and you should make it clear that he only has that one chance with you. If he was to do it again, I would definately say leave him. But there is no point ruining a fantastic relationship and close frendship over a mistake that he has made.

Work through it, enjoy the rest of your time together and make sure he is aware of your stance. Too many relationships split so easily nowadays and really consider if this is worth losing your best friend and partner over.

Good luck.

[naz_nomad]

Dot ... ever considered a job with 'Relate'? ...=o)

[total novice]

thank you so much for your help, all your answers have been helpful. I have sat down and discussed in depth about that night with my husband and i dont doubt that he is really sorry. I have made it clear i will not think twice if this was to happen again.

I know it is going to take time to fully get over it but i value my marriage and who would i be giving up at the first hurdle granted a big hurdle at that. But i vowed for better or worse so i am going to work through this.

[angeldraws]

The only thing you have to ask yourself is 'How would it be if it were the other way around?' and work from that..... good luck x