difficult dilemma

[memawboo]

my youngest daughter is about to start high school ( sniff sniff). I have been seperated from her father for over 2 years we are divorced and i have a new partner who lives with us. my daughter has had no contact with her father since last december he didnt send her a christmas card or acknowledge her birthday nor her brother either she has said she would like to speak to him but i dont want her to be let down again as he makes promises but will not keep them we have been to court over contact issues but this could not be resolved and social services have asked that he may have contact i feel like she is being disloyal to me as i have had a really bad time these last few years and have now got my life back on track. Other than me mentioning him the children do not talk about him my son says he has no dad! I know they say that little contact is better than none at all but why should i let her be hurt as i am the one that has to pick up the pieces all the time any suggestions?

[ali_alic]

Trust me it is better for her to be hurt than for her to see you as the one that is responsible for no contact with her dad. My nephew (aged 12) was in the same situation. His dad has custody and the mum just kept on not turning up for her visits, no pressies, no phone calls when they had been pre-arranged. So the courts said no contact. He became a right little whatsit and took it out on my brother in law and his new partner - even caused them to split up eventually. After that he gave in, went back to court and asked them to start up the visits again. After 2 missed visits the nephew no longer wants contact and the mum is now the one making all the effort. However, the nephew isn't interested and everything is fine between father and son. I know you are doing this to protect your daughter but you are painting yourself as the bad guy. You have done your bit and tried, now it is time for her to find out for herself. As they say "wisdom is better bought than taught" so it may be better if she has to pay for it via her tears. Harsh but possibley no choice.

[joannie10]

i have no presonal experience of this only what i have read before in magazines, similar sites etc. Advice would probably be to tell your daughter how you are feeling and that you are worried that she gets let down again. If she still continues to want to speak to him, then let her or she will just be resentful to you(the person closest to her), and of course continue to be there for her if/when you have to pick up the pieces again. She is only a child that dont feel that she is being disloyal to you, still at the curiuos stage I would imagine. It must be hard for you.

[noxlumos]

I have custody of all my children( now mostly grown up) and my ex wife has a dismal attitude to them ( hating them because they are mine). Although I understand her motives, she really should have behaved better towards them as they were innocent of anything I may have done to her during our marriage. I didn't think she was fit to see them ( she used to describe our eldest son Danny who is deaf, as "not all there" or "retarded" which he's not) and never sent birthday, christmas cards or phoned. However I honestly thought that although this was appalling for the kids, they really were better served in having unlimited access if they wanted it, so I always encouraged them to call her, write to her, email her and visit her when we were in the area.
They made up their own minds fairly quickly and treat and consider my second wife to be their mother if anyone asks.
Upsetting as it was for them, it was also empowering and it fostered a very good relationship between myself and my sons and my second wife.
If I were you, I'd let him have unlimited access in however way pleases your daughter so that at least you've acknowledged your girl's wishes and allowed her to act upon them.She is in no way being disloyal and you need to allow her the freedom at this age to make her own mind up.

[lorraine29]

I was in a similar situation about 4 yrs ago, ex constantly let my 3 kids down when he was supposed to turn up, in the end as suggested by a solicitor they sent him a letter saying he had to go through them to see the kids he couldn't be bothered and hasn't seen them since, all the time this was happening i told the kids what i was doing and even asked their opinions even tho the youngest was only 5 at the time, Even now i often say to them any time you want to see your dad justy let me know and i will try and arrange it........ they make it clear to me they don't want to. To be totally honest i dread the dy when they say they do and no doubt that will happen one day, but i hope that when they do they will see for themselves what a waste of space he really is and be old enough to appreciate how i have tried to protect them.

I hope this helps.

Lorraine x

[suzi-q]

I am in the just the same situation. My ex disowned our boys 2 years ago in a very spiteful and hurtful way when we divorced. Has since had no contact, no birthday cards etc.

My youngest son recently went to see his dad off his own bat and was welcomed like the prodigal son. The eldest soon followed and now they are re-establishing a relationship with him.

Yes I feel they are being disloyal because I and my new husband have struggled to provide a nice home for them which they just dont appreciate.

But I also accept that they will probably be better in the long run for having some sort of relationship with him and they have to make their own mind up. You will never be able to stop your daughter seeing her dad. If you don't let her go with your knowledge she will go behind your back and thats surely worse.

I am gritting my teeth and letting them go. They are getting treated to all sorts of outings etc that we cant afford but if and when he turns nasty (surely a leopard cant change its spots totally?) then I will have to be there to pick up the pieces i suppose.

By the way both the boys said they hated their father only a couple of months ago. This has all happened in the last few weeks.

By the way my ex is moving abroad in the next 6 months and I will still have to go on being the responsible parent as ever. But my boys dont seem to particularly like me or my new hubby at the moment.

I wish you the very best of luck xx

[suzi-q]

By the way memawboo to follow on from my answer I would be really interested in how you cope with this, as I am in the same situation.

I posted a similar question on parenting a week or so ago. So I really do understand how you feel. Its not easy is it specially when there is a new stepdad on the scene also.

Take Care. xx