Comments/views wanted on behaviour of my son at school please!

[oceanauk]

I was pulled into the school last week by my son's teacher - I was really worried that he'd done something awful - and I most defintately got told in no uncertain terms his behaviour was "not appropriate" - what had he done you ask? Well apparently he's too affectionate!!!!
My son (who has just turned 6 by the way) is very open and cuddly and very tactile. He has been stroking the girls hair in his classroom and even gave one a kiss. Now the problem it seems is that he's in a mixed race class and his teacher has informed me that the muslim girls' parents would not be happy. I was both shocked and offended especially as she told me "it was about time he grew up out of this". I have been in to see her after speaking with my son and getting him to understand he cannot do this at school but of course it's very confusing for him and he's not sure why it's wrong. Now the reason why I'm offended is that half my extended family are latin - we are very open and kiss each other to greet. The school he goes to is church of england. This for me is not a race issue and I don't want to make it one - I would like other peoples opinions about this and how I should deal with it appropriately. I feel upset that my son cannot be himself and we as a family are doing something wrong. I have of course made sure he understands that he cannot touch or kiss girls in his class even though it is completely innocent of course. Your views and comments please!!! Many thanks.

[suffragette]

A similar thing happened to my elder daughter when she started school in England. Having spent her earlier years in France she was used to greeting people with cheek kisses and not handshakes or high fives. I politely pointed out to the teacher that I would be unhappy if she were criticised for expressing such a pleasant aspect of her French culture and fortunately the teacher was OK with that.

I'm surprised the teacher considers this inappropriate behaviour in a six year old. I would class beating other members of the class as inappropriate, but showing affection seems a tad harsh.

I think you need to reassure him that he hasn't been naughty as such, but he needs to save his kisses and cuddles for his friends outside of school when Mums and Dads decide what is OK.

I would also politely inform the teacher concerned that your cultural heritage is equally valid and you see no reason why your son's Latin expressiveness is deemed secondary to the culture of other members of the class.

[jake-the-peg]

I'd take a slightly different point of view.

You wouldn't see stroking hair as appropriate behaviour from a work colleague no matter what their "cultural heritage" is would you?

So it's not really appropriate in a school either.

However it sounds as if the school has rather gone over the top considering he's 6!

After all we all have to learn socialially appropriate behaviour and we often do that in the first years at school.

I'd have asked the teacher whether she'd already tried to talk to him and what had happened - after all education is a joint effort which means she has just as much responsibility to explain to her pupils how she expects them to behave.

I think you just have to explain to him that there are some things that are for familiy, some things for friends and relatives and some things for school.

If she hasn't tried to talk to him and you feel strongly enough you could write to the head and explain that you feel the way the teacher addressed the issue with you was inappropriate. That you are not one of her pupils and do not expect to be spoken to in that way, that you expect her to be equally responsible for the behaviour in her classroom and that you do not expect to be summoned in and told off again

[noxlumos]

I totally despair, do schools ever do anything sensible?
I too feel that the staff are being absurd in this regard, they cannot hope to be even handed about this if they take on board a Muslim perception and not your own Latin one. Each have to be equally valid. Your son has done nothing wrong, time they realised that in no uncertain terms.I have never had a huge amount of respect for schools and their seemingly deranged policies where the important is ignored and the trivial punced upon,but to imply to your son he's done something wrong, would not be aceptable to me.He is existing appropriately within his own cultural boundaries for his age group and if the school don't like it, then they really ought to bemade to lump it.He's six years old for God's sakes, have they no sense? Oh and by the way I just called my Muslim friend to ask him what he thought and his exact quote was "how fcuking barmy!". He was quite ticked off that the teacher would dare use his culture as an excuse for being so stupid and said no Muslim parents he knows would object with such a young child.Go and give em hell.

[jake-the-peg]

And would you stroke the hair of a work colleague Nox?

(I agree the school's gone way over the top though)

[andy-hughes]

I think the school have been unessecarily PC over this issue. It would have been appropriate to confirm that your son's overt affection is not always appreciated by his classmates as a whole, rather than making an example of Muslim children. I think the point that Muslim parents would not apprciate such an open show of physical affection is a fair one, but it's not necessary to point it out in this context, it can, and obviously has, simply raised a cultural aspect to the matter that is not relevent.

I fully understand your hurt at the apparent unwilingness of the school to allow your child's natural affection to be displayed, but I think that they have to be responsible to everyone, and not every child understands, or likes affection shown in this way.

I think the teacher should accept some responsibility in guiding all childrens' relationships with each other - maybe it could be discussed as a whole class, rather than singling you out to be told in the way that you were - which leaves you feeling embrassed and awkward about taking the issue forward with the staff for the benefit of all.

Hopefully your child, and the rest of his class, will move on from this in the effortless way that children of this age do, and hopefully you and the teacher can do the same.

[noxlumos]

Depends Jake, why do you fancy it?Lol
No of course I wouldn't but I'm 46, not 6, l can you not comprehend the enormous diference?

[B00]

totally agree with noxy on this one- how sad that a child of 6 can't be affectionate.

I'd be extremely reluctant to advise my 6 year old that something as innocent as stroking hair is not appropriate, why try and make him feel ashamed of being a loving little boy?

Jake - most adults don't go out and play hopscotch either (unless pi$$ed) would you suggest the children stop playing this game as well?

[juddlinski]

Why is your son being so odd? Have you tried slapping him on the back of the legs, quite lightly?

[oceanauk]

Wow!! Thank you so much everyone (apart from Juddlinksi - just hope your joking) - especially andy-hughes for your very balanced views - I guess I'm not mad and thank goodness common sense seems to prevail in others too!!! I think the world has gone mad trying to be so PC. I have approached the teacher in question since this posting. She has apologised profusely for the personal comments, citing she had had a bad day (!!!! unbelieveable) and also for insulting my family's culture. However, she maintains it's to prevent trouble from the parents of the muslim girls. I find this insulting to Muslim parents everywhere. I told her I was not happy about these comments and that no situation had even arisen - if it did I would deal with it. I feel the problem has been dealt with for now but I'm beginning to feel this particular teacher just clashes with me as she is so snappy. Other parents have said they've had no problems with her. So - I don't know - I'll leave it now but if anything happens again I will take the issue to the Head instead. I'm just so glad everybody else can see the problem for what it is. Oh and with regards to the hair stroking - my son apparently was consoling a girl who had been upset - he's a very caring child and does not like to see anyone crying. So there you go!! We live in a world gone mad!! Thanks again everyone - you've been great!