A cross between 'What do I do' and Who Says Sorry First'

[cheshamgirl]

Please help - I have been with my husband for 21 yrs (married for 14) I love him dearly but like the other two ladies - we are not speaking (haven't spoken in 4 wks now) and if sorry has to be said I say it first. He works in the City, very long hours and if I don't talk to him, nothing gets said - I've had enough - I'm tired of making the effort. I'm feeling very low, we have 2 children and I believe in marriage and making it work - I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

[Pisceangirl]

Hi Cheshamgirl. 4 weeks seems to be an awful long time not to speak to a spouse. Especially after 14 years of marriage...it must be very frustrating for you as you'd think he'd know you well enough by now to be able to understand how YOU may feel...unless you've never told him. Have you ever thought of couple's therapy?! Perhaps you don't have the time though?! The letter idea sounds good...I should try that...and the wine! You're right though...this is NOT a dress rehearsal and you need to figure out if this is what you want for the rest of your life. If his brother's the same then maybe it's a family trait and may be hard for him to become more talkative in the future. It doesn't sound like you're very happy anyway and if things don't change then would you really be prepared to sacrifice your chance of happiness in this life for your children?! There are many couples who manage to split up amicably and still have lots of love for their children...they may even have happier lives apart due to having a chance to start again and find happiness with more suitable partners. Even if you think your children will not detect your unhappiness if you stay in the relationship (if nothing works/changes & you don't find yourself happier in a few months), it is more likey they will pick up on the silence surrounding their parents relationship & know something's wrong. If the children are your only worry then maybe you should think about yourself a bit more. They may also learn bad emotional patterns for their future relationships. Good luck whatever you decide. :)

[PinkFizz]

Hi cheshamgirl - what happened last night then??

[lilacben]

cheshamgirl I do hope you was able to sit down together and talk things over. Four weeks and not talking is taking it a bit too far. Bet you cannot remember why you aren't speaking.? You must lay your cards on the table and tell him everything you are feeling. Tell him this is not going to carry on any longer as it is making you very unhappy and in the end you will end up hateing him. Think us woman have to realise men are from a different planet.!! They just do not think like us at all.And what about the children? how are they with all this going on? no matter how young they are they will be affected by this. I was only child with parents who constantly didnt speak for weeks and I was alwas the go between, "tell your mother this" "tell your father that" it really isn't any good and left me feeling very alone.It came through to me that I had no one. Please sort this out even if you could prehaps just go and stay with someone for a couple of nights. Let your husband see you mean it.Our lives pass so quickly and no one knows how long we have. So start living again and make the best of it. I will be thinking of you. love Brendax

[suzi-q]

Hi Cheshamgirl, hope you are getting your thoughts together and can make a change to your marriage. One thing I would stay, don't stay together for the sake of the kids. They will survive a break-up but will you survive going on as you are?

Sounds like you have been feeling like this for some time and either your man needs a rocket up his a*se or you need to make some tough decisions.

I was in a marriage for 20 yrs. It wasnt all bad but got worse and worse until it became unbearable. We had nothing in common, he cheated, I didn't even like him one bit any more let alone love him. Our lives were entwined with kids, a business, mortgage etc but there came a time when there was no other choice but to end it. You may not be at that point with your husband but if you carry on not communicating the danger is that 2 lonely people go out seek comfort elsewhere.

I'm married again now to a wonderful man and can't imagine not speaking to him for 1 night let alone 4 weeks.

You must both be so lonely and the atmosphere in the house can't be too good for the kids - do they realise that you are not speaking?

Can things get any worse between you than the void that is your relationship now? Anything you say can surely only move things on one way or another.