A cross between 'What do I do' and Who Says Sorry First'

[cheshamgirl]

Please help - I have been with my husband for 21 yrs (married for 14) I love him dearly but like the other two ladies - we are not speaking (haven't spoken in 4 wks now) and if sorry has to be said I say it first. He works in the City, very long hours and if I don't talk to him, nothing gets said - I've had enough - I'm tired of making the effort. I'm feeling very low, we have 2 children and I believe in marriage and making it work - I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

[roomster]

whats the reason for not talking. cant really give any advise without having an idea. must be bad though if you havent spoke for 4 weeks!

[cheshamgirl]

He's always been quiet - I do the talking - I suppose I've just had enough - I see years ahead of us - him retiring in 15 yrs and having nothing to talk about. It's escalated - I don't know why - It seems to be a habit and I don't seem willing to break it

[maggie01]

Do you have anything in common? My husband and myself can go all night without saying a word because he only speaks if I say something first and like yourself, sometimes I just can't be bothered. Trouble is, it doesn't get any better and 4 weeks does seem a long time.

[cheshamgirl]

Yes we do have things in common - it's just that he can't seem to think of anything but work at the moment - his job is very stressful - he comes through the door at 10ish and probably the last thing he wants to do is talk - I learned to live with that - I give him space - but I need more. He works alot at the weekend as well - it doesn't seem to be that we don't have things in common - just lack of time. But if I mention that he's always working he either buries his head in the sand or says he's doing it for us. We can't seem to reach a happy medium. His brother is just going through divorce (after 25 yrs together and 4 children) and she says he never talked to her!!!! I just feel it's going the same way but I don't want to nag. I just don't know how to get through.

[oldwoman]

If you pulled a train into a station and filled it with unhappy women there wouldn`t be enough carriages in the world to take them all.Men think because they go to work and dane to stay with us that is there duty fullfilled. My husband said to me not so long ago " I liked you better when you did as you were told", I never have but like you I always had to say sorry to get any kind of conversation. I woke up one day and thought If your`e not going to change mate then I will.He said last week why don`t we get our marriage vows renewed next year. Only the love,honour and obey bits. You are going to have to change your situation.

[suzi-q]

Only you can make the decision when enough is enough. You say you love him dearly but if you havent spoken for 4 weeks then surely you are just co-existing.

Maybe you need to do something drastic to make a change. Book him a week off at work, book a break, arrange to leave the kids with grandparents or a friend and have a week together where you are forced to talk.

Surely your marriage is worth a try after 21 years - only you know the answer though.

[PinkFizz]

Hi hun.Why does he work such long long hours?? Even in the City ,which my father-in-law does,that seems very excessive.

What would he do if you opened a bottle of wine tonight,sat him down.told him how much you loved him but that this way of life is ridiculous??

[cheshamgirl]

thank you suzy-q and old woman ( you must be knowledgable as you are old!!! - see I can still laugh. Old woman you say change the situation - did you leave? because you go on to say that he's suggested renewing the marriage vows - please advise. Suzy-q - we go through this alot - I feel as if it's me that is the problem (but that shouldn't be so) - after all he's not messing around, doesn't stay out late and drink. He seems to have lost his motivation. We sort it out and then 4-5 months later it goes back to not talking - still that's better than me nagging for weeks and weeks which believe me I used to do. We have got to do something - will say that we have to arrange a break together - get him away from work and home and sort this out one way or another - I can carry on with this - I believe strongly in marriage but it feels as if my life is a dress rehearsal and not the main event! Thank you both

[cheshamgirl]

HI Pink-fizz - the problem is the commuting - it takes at least 1 3/4 hrs each way - he loves his work and I want him to be happy. I want to do just that - open a bottle of wine - it's just that this has been happening for 3-4 yrs now and it gets better for a while and then reverts back to nothing. I also feel as if I'm giving in - being the bigger person - why always me?? Why can't he see that I'm hurting and help me?

[cheshamgirl]

Sorry - should have said 'can't carry on with this....'

[PinkFizz]

Well,I know this sounds hard but I think you need to give him an ultimatum in a nice way.Say that this isnt how you intended marriage to be,and that he has a wife and children who he never sees.By the sounds of it he doesnt HAVE to do all these hours,he chooses some of them as he loves his job so much.
Could you not move nearer to his work,or can he not change jobs??What do your children say?
What would he do if you said that if things were still the same in 3 months then its over?

[cheshamgirl]

Thanks PinkFizz and all who responded - you're right - I've got to make a move - if he loves me it will be alright - it has to be. There are two people in this marriage but one is working all the time and forgotten what he's working for - the wine will come out - straight talking and 3 months to sort it out - as I said this is not a dress rehearsal -I don't want to upset the children and I know they would be devastated but it isn't just their lives - it's mine too - I have tried for 3/4 years - there has to be some 'give' from the other side.

[oldwoman]

No we are still together. 36 years .He is a long distance lorry driver and I dont see him from Monday till Friday. I changed by saying what I felt. He didn`t like it but I felt a whole lot better. I once gave him his mobile phone and said here I`ll phone you . Talking of which he has just phoned and I couldn`t shut him up. I think Iv`e unleashed a monster. You need time together to sort things out. I hope you find a solution ,I think sometimes I`ve just made the best of a bad job.

[cheshamgirl]

I know - we need time together to sort this out - but this time is has to BE sorted. I just feel too tired to mess about anymore - I hope other ABer's don't think I'm a 'quitter' - I'm not - I will try to sort this out but for good - either way thank you so much. I know times have changed and we're not all stuck in the kitchen with frilly aprons BUT I grew up with a mother like that and you just put up with a bad job!! I do love him that's the pity because otherwise I think that by now I would have quit. There must be more to life than evening after evening watching TV - maybe I just have to get a life too!! xxx

[4getmenot]

What is it with the not speaking. Hasnt he grown up yet? after a day I'd leave.

[cheshamgirl]

4getmenot - no disrespect but how old are you??? Have you been married hundreds of times??? because you must have - because I don't know anybody that HASN'T been through this. If it were that simple I wouldn't have wasted the time of these people - perhaps I should get a life - but I have two children, both doing very well at school and I want to give them the kind of life that unfortunately I didn't have - I know it's an incredibly old-fashioned idea but for the children to do well in life, I believe that they need a father and also I need the �100K plus that my husband brings home!!! (= weak joke - I still have my humour - but not much else). He should be through that door at 10.15 tonight. Will tell all tomorrow.

[noxlumos]

sorry, I'm with 4getmenot, who I have always found all wise. I can't believe that adults go for days, weeks, months without talking. I'll have a row with anyone, but what possible good does a massive breakdown in communication do?My first wife and I fought horribly, but we never didn't talk. My second wife and I don't fight often, but when we do niether of us would contemplate not speaking to the other, as it's so destructive. Just talk.

[Hans_Olo]

Is he happy doing what he does? Do you need the income? If you need more then you need to ask for it. If he cant give it you need to decide whether to accept this or do something else. You need to do what is right for you. How happy are your children? - I doubt they see their dad! Does he realize that! I hate to say it but is he working?

[smiffy65]

this might sound silly but I can assure you it is not, have you tried writing him a letter and telling just how you feel,this usually works well, it is well worth trying, i have been married for 44 years years, I wrote my husband a letter after 26years of marriage and I can tell you it is the first time I have seen my husband cry, because he really thought it was the other way round and that I did not want to be with him anymore,how wrong he was!!!

[4getmenot]

yes couples argue and maybe any grown up couple would not speak but maybe only for a couple of hours, but to not speak for days, weeks, months I find ridiculous as nox said to argue is pointless, if you're gonna kiss and make up anyway then do that and talk, if you think it will never happen leave him, he might then realise that he needs to start talking more. But you seem to be doing this more for the sake of the children than actually because you care for him yourself, which isnt always the best thing if parents are arguing or 'not speaking' anyway.