I expect to get slated for this question...

[filthiestfis]

I was wondering what you ABers thought about this: I have been trying to get together with a girl now for a few months, she hasnt been sure about it but we get along great, we argued the other day and I told her that I couldnt wait forever for her to make her decision whether she wanted a relationship or not because she was an investment of my life. She took that really badly, as if I only meant a financial investment. The truth is I am giving her my heart and soul, my time, a lot of things...she isnt really giving back, and I dont care about the money, but its the lack of effort. My question is: would you be offended if you were considered an investment? I believe that its a realistic way of looking at the future.

[bobtheduck-]

great investment she is your not a bank manager are you

[China Doll]

The rules....

Usually someone in a relationship will earn more than the other, that's fine. In my experience it's generally the bloke but I work for the NHS so frankly I'm not necessarilly one to compare notes with...

But...

You should not borrow any money from someone you are seeing casually. Especially if you have no interest in persuing a future with them.

If you do borrow money from someone you are seeing casually then return the moment you have the resouces to do so and don't do it again.

If you accept gifts/money/tokens of affection over a tenner from someone you are not willing to have any kind of future with ( allbeit six months or the rest of your life) then you should feel really f e c king bad about it.

Dates should be double dutch unless where specified as a treat or something one of you wants to do for the other.

I don't spend my entire life going out of the way not to need some bloke (dad accepted as he won't bl00dy listen anyway) in my life to help me out finacially for some silly bird to come along and just sit there heaving her breasts and fluttering her eye lashes and not using the sense she had when she was born....

[bobtheduck-]

he has invested 40 quid in her china be fair he just hasnt got anything back yet

[China Doll]

Now I'm not saying that your girlfriend does this but if I had taken the last �40 out of you bank account (and I wouldn't) then you would have had that back within days and I would have felt beyond guilty about it!

Money doesn't make a relationship I agree... but there are certain things you just shouldn't do.

But like I said... I'm difficult.

[dot.hawkes]

Doomed doomed we are all doomed!!!!!!!!!

[filthiestfis]

apparently she had already asked all her friends for help and I was the last person to turn to, hey, I offered to help out, so thats why she took the money, but I did expect it back you know, especially right before xmas.

[China Doll]

Ducky I am being fair... she shouldn't have taken the money... or asked for it in the first place. This is just my opinion.

Also, to address something else you just said Filth (and I'm really not trying to have a go) but you just said to Ducky that she's a friend you're trying to get close to.

If I'm trying to get close to someone I ask them about their day, I ask them questions about themselves, I make jokes, I buy them a drink or offer them peanut, sometimes I even flirt ... I don't lend them the last pennies I have.

Perhaps you have your priorities a little off too... if she's not interested in the person you are then you don't need that in your life.

And going back to what I said in the first place before I went of ranting and raving like a derranged banshee.... there's an inequality in this relationship and she is not giving you everything you want... find someone who will.

[bobtheduck-]

but she is an investment china its just the interest rate is quite poor

[jeanette1976]

You can't force her to love you or to even go out with you, and Chinadoll's right to say that she has no pride. I'd ask for the money back, cut your losses and get somebody worthy of you.... and watch her come running.... believe me.... this ALWAYS happens!!!

[China Doll]

Lol @ Ducky.... You better at investing then? ;0P

[filthiestfis]

yes you are all correct. Im not going to ask for the money back but I just wont be there for her like I have been all this time. I hope she realises one day that I was something good but something tells me that she wont as history tells me.
Ive kept on giving her opportunities but aint no way.

[Carakeel]

I don't think you said anything wrong here really. If she took your comment as referring to only an investment re. money, then she was obviously misreading you. Perhaps she herself is not ready or willing to invest emotionally in this or any relationship and read investment = money to give herself an easier out. My question is this - why do you want to invest in a relationship with a woman who can't love you back? A one-sided relationship can never succeed. Balance is a vital part of happiness, and in your relationship there just isn't any. Everyone deserves to be happy in their lives. You deserve to be happy and loved in just the same way as you are capable and willing to love. So, don't settle for less than you deserve. If she is not able to give her love to you as you give yours to her, then she is not the right person for you. When you do find the right person, everything will fall into place. It has for me and even though it has arrived fairly late in life, it is the most wonderful feeling ever! My partner and I have found that precious balance and with it happiness. We each have the respect and freedom to accept each other's sense of humour and individual way of thinking without feeling the need to change one another; a beautiful strong physical and emotional love and dedicated mutual caring support that takes the fear out of facing life's ups and downs. All of this creates a wonderful sense of balance and a wonderful feeling of being in the right place with the right person. Give yourself time and you too will find the right person, one who will SHARE your life with you, not hold back her emotions or smother you with them. Just be patient. Best wishes. :o)

[filthiestfis]

what a wonderful response carakeel :) I guess that patience is a virtue and I should hold out for someone who will really want to be with me even if it means it will happen when I am old!

[Roughquest]

Hi Filthiestfis - I had a recently similar problem with a guy i met, we were friends and I then things progressed where he wanted more from me, he was a lovely guy, a gentleman, and he kept trying and trying to win my affections to the extent that he showered me with gifts, flowers, jewelery etc, we were going to a posh party once through work and he even sent me a cheque to go and buy a posh frock - I never refused any of the gifts, which I should have done really, but I did feel somewhat obliged to spend time with him even though i couldnt give him more if you see what i mean, i didnt want to hurt his feelings, but if he felt the need to lavish gifts on me then so be it, I let him and it felt good and made me feel good too. We are still very good friends and over time weather anything will come of this or not who knows, but he is always there for me no matter what, it is me that needs time to get my head round this and decide how i feel about him, at the moment I care an awful lot for him and we are trying to get to know one another on a more 'close' level.

[WendyS]

Well, perhaps she felt you were only thinking in financial terms, which you obviously weren't. The basic reality of any new relationship is that you DO make an investment in the other person, of your life, your emotions and your commitment, and I think she's equating that with the financial value of items you've given to her. Perhaps your wording wasn't exactly tactful but I think most deep thinking people would have understood what you meant.
I suspect that she simply doesn't value you as much as you value her, otherwise she'd be prepared to make this commitment. It's a hard one for you but if this is the case perhaps you should try to accept it and move on, rather than wasting more time on a relationship which will probably never fulfil your emotional long term needs.

[dot.hawkes]

that was a bit of a personal question you asked roughquest there!

[Le Chat]

What has 'going down on you' got to do with roughquest's answer. Maybe you are 'filthiestfis' for a reason...Perhaps you were looking for an opening to slip in a 'shock sex statement' somewhere? How weird!!

[drestie]

I'm flabbergasted...

[filthiestfis]

I apologise for being filthy.