Unusual requests

[enigma]

Would you go to the funeral of someone you didn't know ? My hubby got an email from his manager asking him to attend a funeral of a colleague whose father had died. My hubby barely knows his colleague and has never met her father , nor have any of her other colleagues. Apparently though , this is what they do. They turn up at the funeral to show support but I think that it's a bit weird and i've never heard of that happening before. Different if the woman had wanted her colleagues around her but she didn't even ask. My hubby didn't want to seem like the odd one out by not going so he did and shuffled around awkwardly at the back of the crematorium. He said that it was awful because people seemed to be whispering and wondering who they were and he said that if god forbid , someone should die in our family , he wouldn't tell them in case they turned up. So what do you think , intruding on a deeply private moment or showing support , even although you weren't asked to attend. What would you do ?

[ELVIS68]

People always look around at funerals to see who`s there and I think it`s wrong of your hubbys boss to ask him to go

Personally I would have said no

[enigma]

I totally agree. I think that it was a poor choice and on the contrary to a show of support , I think that it was false and inconsiderate to the family who may have wanted a deeply private moment. I can't understand what went through her head when she thought that it would be a good idea. I would hate colleagues to turn up to my family member's funeral. My husband couldn't wait to leave. He said that the family members were shaking hands with everyone , asking how they knew the deceased and thanking them for coming. As my husband didn't want to admit that he didn't even know the guy he sneaked out and avoided a potentially awkward moment which could have caused the family more distress.

[ummmm]

No...I wouldn't have gone. But saying that my Dad has asked me to go to loads of funerals on his behalf...their not Irish are they?

[enigma]

No ummmm , Scottish. Why do you ask ?

[ELVIS68]

At least he did the decent thing and left before the end

Some people go just for the food and a free drink afterwards...not me...I never eat the food :o)

[ummmm]

Tends to be a very small community...he knows her who knows her etc....It's just the way it is. I've been to many a funeral of people I don't know because I know their son/daughter etc.....Boss though...taking it a bit too far

[ummmm]

I would have thought that was the only thing to look forward to if you didn't know the dead person?

[enigma]

I don't think that any of his colleagues stayed for the meal though to be fair. Not sure about the manager. I think that his colleagues were as embarrassed as him but accepted it as the 'norm'. It's the way they've always done it.

I understand what you mean about small communities ummmm. I grew up in a small town where everyone knew each other and that's very true. I have gone to funerals where I perhaps didn't know the deceased too well (I knew them to an extent though) but was friends with a family member and had gone to give them support but yes , a manager requesting you to go to the funeral of someone you didn't know and a family member of a colleague you barely know , is a bit off the wall. Well , it wasn't so much of a request really. More phrased in such a way that as a good team player it would be expected and the undertone being that it would be frosty at work if you didn't attend.

What's the bit to look forward too ? The free grub ? At my gran's funeral , we were in bits and were waiting for our meal when my parents and I noticed this old dear who was offering her condolences to all the family for our sad loss. We didn't know her at all and only discovered when the buzz went round that NO-ONE knew her. It was only when a member of staff spotted her and discreetly ushered her out that we discovered that she was a funeral ligger ! She turned up to all the local funerals for the meal.

[jacko50]

I have been to many funerals where I do not /did not know the deceased it is just the thing to do here ,I think it is out of respect for the family of the departed, I have often felt awkward because I know that people think who is he but they know my wife and do not know that we are married to each other so I try to remain in the background and leave as soon as possible but my wife always insist on going back for the "send off ", it then is easier because they say oh! that fat git is with sian its her husband, he is english. I live in south wales ,this is the truth.

[ELVIS68]

And your reply to them Jacko is?

[jacko50]

my reply is of course she made me come

[jacko50]

bye the way hello again Elvis 68.

[noxlumos]

To me, that's perfectly normal, I can't see what is odd about it. He was being an ambassador for the company, I think that's normal, mind you I'm Irish too...

[ummmm]

lol Noxy...you know what I mean...x

[stewey]

Enigma, did you at one time live in the general vicinity of Bletchley Park, and were there nightingales singing there abouts, and was ummmm attempting to correspond with you using secretly coded messages??!!

[Pippa68]

I agree with nox ~ it is quite normal for a company representative to attend a funeral, and this happened at my grandfathers funeral too.

I would have gone.

[enigma]

Not at all Stewey. I strenuously deny that accusation and I have not had any correspondance with ummmm nor know of any secret code. (Furiously tapping away as I speak. Nearly got it .........)

Noxlumos - Each to their own but what I find odd is that not only was the deceased not an employee , the request did not come from the family. My husband's manager took it upon herself to arrange for a whole dept of staff to attend because they knew his daughter who worked for the company. As I said , my husband barely knows his colleague and has never met her father. If this woman had requested the presence of her whole dept to attend her father's funeral as a sign of support , then I would say fine but she seemed quite awkward about them all being there and my husband said that the whole family were just staring at them , wondering why they were there. If a company employee dies , then of course it would have been respectful for his/her colleauges to be in attendance at their funeral but it just strikes me as a bit odd to attend a total stranger's funeral when your presence was neither required nor requested. As I say though , each to their own. If this is the done thing in Ireland then I respect that and it may not seem an oddity to you but where I am , in Scotland , it is not normally the done thing. Perhaps the 'norm' is dependant on the particular area you live in. For me , this is not the norm.

[enigma]

Pippa - Do you mind if I ask you , was it your father's colleauges who attended his funeral or was it yours ? The reason why I ask is because yes , I fully understand the reasons for people who knew your father and worked with him to attend as a mark of respect but I can't understand why total strangers would attend the funeral of someone they had never met , solely because they knew the deceased's daughter in a work capacity. In my husband's case , this request , as I said , was made by my husband's manager - not the family of the deceased - who felt that the whole dept should attend to show support to the colleauge , who was quite frankly embarrassed by their presence. I just feel that this was an intrusion on the family's grief , at a time which should have been a deeply private moment. If they had been requested to be there fine but to turn up unannounced , I think is just so wrong.

[noxlumos]

As someone who runs companies in England ( although I'm Irish), I honestly have found it the norm. Your husband was not attending the funeral as an individual, he was a representative of the company, that's the point. It doesn't matter if he knew the decesed or not, it's the normal and polite thing to do I think. I've asked a few English people and people seem deadly spilt on the subject from seeing it as pefectly right and polite as I do, to seeing it as a huge intrusion as you do. I think it just must be down to personal upbringing and experience which way you gravitate,I don't think therfore there is a right or wrong answer to your query, just personal opinion.