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How can....
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you inspire someone to better themselves?
My boyfriend is an absolutely wonder guy, very sweet, though very sensitive. He has had a lot of problems in the past, family, school, bullying.
He's now in his early twenties, and feels that theres no point in trying to get back into education to better himself and get a better job. Because he feels he will just fail, so it gives people (especially his family) a reason to turn round and say 'I told you so'
I don't want to push him too hard to try, but I really want him to try. Because I know he would, if he felt he had more support.
Thanks in advance.
My boyfriend is an absolutely wonder guy, very sweet, though very sensitive. He has had a lot of problems in the past, family, school, bullying.
He's now in his early twenties, and feels that theres no point in trying to get back into education to better himself and get a better job. Because he feels he will just fail, so it gives people (especially his family) a reason to turn round and say 'I told you so'
I don't want to push him too hard to try, but I really want him to try. Because I know he would, if he felt he had more support.
Thanks in advance.
Answers
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Yeah, you just have to let him know that you believe in him, that you will be there to support him, that it doesn't really matter if he did fail if he tries and that it may take some time for him to get back into education but that he will in the end if he keeps trying. You could even find out a few courses you think he would like and tell him about them, do it casually though, otherwise he'll think you're being pushy.
Thanks for your answers =]
Funkymoped- How would I make him believe that he had already changed? (Sorry if I sound stupid to ask)
And tiny e.a- I do sometimes mention it lightly, especially since I'll be going to college soon. It helps there to drop hints.
But I know his family are very pushy to get him into a 'decent' job, in the past 3 weeks his dad has tried to make him apply for or get into 3 different jobs. As much as I know he is right, I know for a fact he's going the wrong way about it.
I try to say maybe his dads right (lightly) but I know it really hurts him.
he applied for an extra job (to the one he's already got) a couple of days ago, he got an interview, but when I talked to him he came out of it completely flat, sounded as if the boss is a right wotsit!
And when you ask someone what they always wanted to do when they were a kid... they always had some kind of dream. He says that he didn't- but I recently found out that he did have some kind of drive, but his father 'laughed in his face' and told him 'He'd never do a job like that'
So therefore he won't tell me what it was, so I can't help him in that area.
Once again, thanks for your answers
Funkymoped- How would I make him believe that he had already changed? (Sorry if I sound stupid to ask)
And tiny e.a- I do sometimes mention it lightly, especially since I'll be going to college soon. It helps there to drop hints.
But I know his family are very pushy to get him into a 'decent' job, in the past 3 weeks his dad has tried to make him apply for or get into 3 different jobs. As much as I know he is right, I know for a fact he's going the wrong way about it.
I try to say maybe his dads right (lightly) but I know it really hurts him.
he applied for an extra job (to the one he's already got) a couple of days ago, he got an interview, but when I talked to him he came out of it completely flat, sounded as if the boss is a right wotsit!
And when you ask someone what they always wanted to do when they were a kid... they always had some kind of dream. He says that he didn't- but I recently found out that he did have some kind of drive, but his father 'laughed in his face' and told him 'He'd never do a job like that'
So therefore he won't tell me what it was, so I can't help him in that area.
Once again, thanks for your answers
Hi there scotchollie.
At the moment it could be difficult to study at the same time, as my A levels start this september. And he has already missed the application date for 2007.
Although he has mentioned in the past that he may apply for 2008.
I feel that he has a bit of an attitude problem when it comes to learning. As I said as part of my main question, he had a lot of problems in the past, especially during his time at school, making him detest it.
Okay, a lot of kids detest school, but personally I feel he has a more drastic reasoning. So all he wanted to do was leave.
I don't know if that can help anyone any further.
At the moment it could be difficult to study at the same time, as my A levels start this september. And he has already missed the application date for 2007.
Although he has mentioned in the past that he may apply for 2008.
I feel that he has a bit of an attitude problem when it comes to learning. As I said as part of my main question, he had a lot of problems in the past, especially during his time at school, making him detest it.
Okay, a lot of kids detest school, but personally I feel he has a more drastic reasoning. So all he wanted to do was leave.
I don't know if that can help anyone any further.
I can sympathise with him - I hated school too.
I was pushed and pushed by family to do better too, and my response was to rebel against it and do other things.
Maybe the best thing to do is for everyone to take the heat off and give him a bit of space - I suspect that he'll find his own way presently - he is still very young.
I'd also be using a different word to fail...
You can try and talk to him about succeeding. If something does not work out, then he has been successful in drawing a line through something that did not suit him.
Some sensitive people need different frames of reference, particularly if they have had a hard time in the past - some can become more and more resilient to change or become so demotivated that any form of change will be tough.
Would he be open to counselling, if you went with him? Or maybe you could book counselling and ask him to go with you. Once there, you could open up a bit about yourself and draw him into it - but clear it with the counsellor first.
I was pushed and pushed by family to do better too, and my response was to rebel against it and do other things.
Maybe the best thing to do is for everyone to take the heat off and give him a bit of space - I suspect that he'll find his own way presently - he is still very young.
I'd also be using a different word to fail...
You can try and talk to him about succeeding. If something does not work out, then he has been successful in drawing a line through something that did not suit him.
Some sensitive people need different frames of reference, particularly if they have had a hard time in the past - some can become more and more resilient to change or become so demotivated that any form of change will be tough.
Would he be open to counselling, if you went with him? Or maybe you could book counselling and ask him to go with you. Once there, you could open up a bit about yourself and draw him into it - but clear it with the counsellor first.
Ahhh, well you see... This is where we meet afew problems.
My boyfriend and I live about 100 miles apart, and with jobs and education, we find it very hard to see each other for long periods of time very regularly.
The other problem is that he doesn't like the idea of counselling, as he doesnt want to be judged by someone else. Although I've tried to tell him otherwise (From personal experiences)
I also don't know how to get through to his parents to convince them to let the job thing drop for a while, at least until he finds someway of trying to think his life through.
My boyfriend and I live about 100 miles apart, and with jobs and education, we find it very hard to see each other for long periods of time very regularly.
The other problem is that he doesn't like the idea of counselling, as he doesnt want to be judged by someone else. Although I've tried to tell him otherwise (From personal experiences)
I also don't know how to get through to his parents to convince them to let the job thing drop for a while, at least until he finds someway of trying to think his life through.
Silver, im not anyones expert but if i were in his shoes, id want to know that i was doing well at the things i can do.
just a little bit of whats good for him !
go for a long walk somewhere he likes. just chat about what you know he likes. things both of you like. ask him to do things that you "cant do"...
i wish i could be more specific, but not knowing the lad, i cant... just help him to realise he is good. he has got a future that he can build on.
:-)
just a little bit of whats good for him !
go for a long walk somewhere he likes. just chat about what you know he likes. things both of you like. ask him to do things that you "cant do"...
i wish i could be more specific, but not knowing the lad, i cant... just help him to realise he is good. he has got a future that he can build on.
:-)
Hi again funkymoped...
I have tried all of these things, I rack my brain daily for better things, more motivating things to say.
The only reason he will ever do anything is because he wants to do it 'for me' which as much as I don't like that idea, at least it makes him try.
Before I met him, he self-harmed on a regular basis. And had tried to commit suicide. So in a way, we have already made some progress, as he doesn't self-harm anymore. Because he knows he always has me to talk to about whatever.
When you say about the getting him to do things I 'can't do', I have tried that also, but he has put me on such a pedastool, believing I'm so perfect, even though my life is just like his. I am just like him, we've had the same problems, and sometimes I struggle to help him when I can't always help myself.
I have tried all of these things, I rack my brain daily for better things, more motivating things to say.
The only reason he will ever do anything is because he wants to do it 'for me' which as much as I don't like that idea, at least it makes him try.
Before I met him, he self-harmed on a regular basis. And had tried to commit suicide. So in a way, we have already made some progress, as he doesn't self-harm anymore. Because he knows he always has me to talk to about whatever.
When you say about the getting him to do things I 'can't do', I have tried that also, but he has put me on such a pedastool, believing I'm so perfect, even though my life is just like his. I am just like him, we've had the same problems, and sometimes I struggle to help him when I can't always help myself.
Hello Silversky......can't add much to what are already brilliant replies........ It's hard to push someone when they have low self esteem, don't think his family have helped much in that department by the sounds of things. He's only young at the moment Silversky......hopefully in a few years time he will gain confidence and better himself.....as long as he knows you are by his side....he will be fine Silversky....you both sound lovely people.
Best Wishes..... x
Best Wishes..... x
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