You're saying you wouldn't do it?

[angel-cake]

or do you just think you wouldn't because you have never been in the situation yourself?

I'm, of course, referring to the post by rubyrose.

On the subject of having an affair with someone who is married. I just don't think it's as black and white as saying you shouldn't do it. At the end of the day, if a couple aren't happy (married or not) then things are likely to happen. In an ideal world, that relationship would end before something else happened, but this world is far from ideal.

My guess is that the majority of people who are high and mighty about it have never been in the situation of any unhappy relationship, or meeting someone you click with who unfortunately is taken. So you are all very lucky.

[Suzyboo]

It is as black and white as saying you shouldn't have an affair when married or with someone who is married otherwise there is no point in marriage. If you are unhappy (and I know much more about such a situation than most) then fix it or finish it but it is unfair to all parties to just cheat regardless of how much you feel the other person is who you should be with. If you should be with them, then finish the marriage and do it properly but don't just be deceitful.

[angel-cake]

But what im saying is, anyone who has been in an unhappy relationship knows that it is not that easy to just leave. It took me two years to accept that my relationship was over (and no, i didnt cheat although with hindsight i think he did). But it is hard to make the break until it feels right.

We are actually now quite good friends, which i dont think we would be if I had left when it first started going wrong.

[Rubyrose]

I must admit at this point in my life.... I don't know if I really believe in marriage! I did when I was with my ex... and I may do again somewhere down the line but my views on life change everyday and lately I don't know if I agree with marriage and all that it symbolises!

I would love to have a wedding day.... and stuff like that but wedding days and marriages sort of come as a package deal!

It's just lately I don't tend to believe that anyone should be with one person for the rest of their lives... don't get me wrong.. I'm not saying no-one should... it may work for others.. but for me.. I don't know.
My nan and grandad have been married 53yrs and they are still so happy and I always wanted that and when I was with my ex, I thought that's what we would become.. but when we broke up.. I lost that outlook on relationships.
Now I just seem to think that I don't know who I will be tomorrow, or next week, or next year...and to meet someone and promise to love them till the end of my days... just seems wrong!

But.. kind of back to what you are saying.... It's not as black and white as 'I would never do it, and you shouldn't either'.. Life is far from black and white and you can't standardise any situation or shove it into a category or box...

I take it you read the whole thread then Angel?
X

[laurencelolo]

so wrong to engage into a relationship with a married person and at the end somebody will get hurt and it will be ....
it takes two to make a marriage work but sometimes one get bored or is fed up with the same routine eh! or the wife let herself go cos there is probably childrens to think about or vis versa.
the hurt has been done to me years ago and i have learned to forgive but can not forget never cos it is not only me who suffered it is my childrens too.

[angel-cake]

Yes ruby, i read the whole thing - although it took me all weekend!!

What i don't like is some peoples attitude to you in all this. A wedding ring is a symbol between a couple, not a sign for everyone else to stay away, and calling someone a ho, slapper, etc, for seeing a married man is just ignorant.

Of course,its easy on here to be self-righteous as no one really knows everyones elses "sins"!!

My advice is grab a bit of happiness while you can - if it lasts then great, if not then you move on and another bit of happiness comes along further down the line.

I agree with you ruby about marriage and I really dont think we are meant to be with one person forever. Everyone changes and grows apart. If you find someones that changes with you then you are a lucky person. But my guess is that a lot of marriages are habit and "for the children".

Good Luck ruby :-)

[Suzyboo]

I understand what you are saying. It took me 3 years after I should have left until I actually did but it was having feelings for someone else that made me realise that deep down I had given up all hope of salvaging the marriage so I got out. If marriage isn't forever for some people and they want to grab happiness where they can then fine but why decieve someone else at the same time? As I said before, fix it or finish it but don't demean what it started out as by lying and cheating and trying to have your cake and eat it. Make a stand for what you believe in and who you feel you should be with.

[angel-cake]

Suzyboo - how long did you have those feelings for someone else before you left? Some people would say you were "cheating" simply for having feelings for someone else.

You say about "having your cake and eating it" but i just dont agree that that is the case in a lot of affairs. Obviously a far few are only about that but not all cases.

I guess everyone just has to judge there own situation individually and not say that one thing is right and another is wrong.

[alijangra]

I personally wouldnt say it would never happen, but I certainly wouldnt set out to do it. Yes, I have been in a very unhappy relationship and I ended it. And yes, I was attracted to somebody who was taken and it could have gone further but I do have control of my actions so nothing happened. Having only slept with 3 people in my life, I think my moral standards are different from many people of my generation. That does not make me boring, prudish or somehow lacking in life experience. And I have plenty of 'fun', albeit with the same person!!

[Rubyrose]

I had it done to me... in some sense.. but it some ways it made me realise it does happen and thats just life... and my ex is happy now and expecting a baby... so who was to say that he did wrong by falling for someone else and leaving me? If he is happier now, and I am happier now.. then why should we have stayed in that rut? Ok, so we weren't married but why does the marriage make a difference.... I know couples who have been together for 10yrs and aren't married and I know couples who have been together less than a year and are engaged and getting married by the end of the year... now who should have the stronger vows? Said or unsaid...?

I don't think anyone on this site can say 'I would NEVER do it' as no-one.... NO-ONE knows what will happen! 3yrs ago I would have never seen myself where I am now... but now I am here.. I can't believe I was where I was 3yrs ago!

I made a promise to myself.. after taking a good look at the couples I know... including my parents... and I have vowed to myself... to never stay if it's not what I want... and I hope so much that I can keep that vow! For now.. thats the only one I am willing to take! Let's hope it lasts until death I do part!

[Rubyrose]

Oh and can I just add.... I am NOT seeing a married man! They way all the answers are portrayed in these Q's... anyone would think I am having an affair with him!!! Jeeez.. Lol....
I just have a crush on him... and he has a wife.. and we flirt in the office but thats it... and as far as I am concerned.. that's all it will ever be... This is the fun stage... the flirting and stuff... once that's over and it's on to the next level.. it becomes way to intense and I will be in over my head... so for now I am just happy of a good old flirt!

[Rubyrose]

But that's my point Leg-end.... You CAN say it... and I am SURE you mean it now... but you don't know who you are or where you will be in 5,10,15yrs time.... Can you really, honestly, truly swear that there isn't just the smallest chance that one day you may meet someone who you fall for so deeply... but she is seeing someone else... can you swear now that you wouldn't even consider it?

And if you can.... then my only conclusion is... you don't know how powerful love can be!

(I'm not talking about me with the 'love' thing so don't go slating me again and saying I am now in 'love' with this married man.. coz I'm not)

[ummmm]

Every situation is different. Every marriage is different. You cannot judge them all the same. People have different reasons for not leaving an unhappy marriage. Some people thought they loved their partner until they REALLY fell in love with someone else. Some people are just slime balls and want their cake and eat it. Each situation should be individually judged.

It's never as easy 'Oh, I'm unhappy I think I'll leave'

Marriages/Relationships share many things....Children, houses, business', friends......and so on. You can't just up and leave.

Oh...Is it alright to have sex with someone because your partner hasn't slept with you in over a year? Or is it Ok to expect someone to just put up with it and never look elsewhere?

[Rubyrose]

Why is it not just as easy as leaving... walking out the door? Most people don't leave in fear of losing everything... but they are meerly possesions... I agree it's different if children are involved but it can still be done.. People end relationships everyday... I just ever want to be someone who stayed even though they weren't happy and knew they could be happier somewhere else... mainly coz I don't want to put my kids through what my parents have put us through... and thats staying for the sake of staying!

[Rubyrose]

But Leg-end... it's no about morals.... it's about life!

[Suzyboo]

You can take a stance and say that you never would do that, regardless of the circumstances - that is what morals are. No you cannot forsee what the temptations might be but you can decide how you would deal with them if they arise. I have had more extreme circumstances to deal with than I hope you ever have to cope with but I don't understand how you think any affair does not involve somebody taking their own pleasure at someone else's expense. For the record, it was the same night I met someone else who was just considerate and attentive and that was enough to matter at that point so I realised my marriage was finished. I don't think that feelings are enough to constitute cheating (esp for a few hours!) but it is what you do about it that matters.