Sick Friend...

[Rosenicola]

Hi,

I saw a friend over the weekend and she informed me that she is HIV positive due to a guy she was seeing being on drugs and he had contracted the infection and passed it on, but she didn't know until Jan 2007.

She has asked me to sign something through her solicitor so that should anything happen to her, I will be responsible for her 2 year old son as she doesn't want him in a care home.

When she was pregnant, the father left her and she went to live with her mum. Her mum is an alcoholic and she has no-one else to have him. She has tried to contact the father, but has had no luck in finding him.

Also, I am trying to be strong for her and it's very difficult. She is dealing with it well for the sakes of her son, apart from a couple of times she has tried to overdose on anti-depressants if things have got too much. She is worried her son will be taken off her as she is quite unstable at times. I don't see her that often, although we have been friends for around 4 years and speak on the phone regularly. She hasn't told anyone else of her situation as she feels they will frown upon her.

I have no idea what to do in this situation.

I am 23 myself and feel really pressured at the minute.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Or any advice would be good on how to deal with it better.

Thanks

[4gottenabout]

well guess theres not many ABers that have gone through this. Can I ask is taking on this child something you would be willing to do?

[Octavius]

Could the father not be given the guardian/parental responsibility?

[Rosenicola]

Hi,

If there was absolutely no-one else to take the baby then i would have him for her. Altho' when i had him i would keep trying to find the dad or any other family.

I am helping to look for him and once he is found, then hopefully he will be the baby's guardian. He is the dad after all.

[Octavius]

I was the legal guardian to two young children for 8 years. The situation is slightly different but it comes with huge responsibilities � as with any parenting � if it is something you do not feel any emotional attachment to, then you should, albeit unwillingly, let the appropriate authorities deal with it.

It sounds harsh, but it is two lives here (yours and the child) and both lives need the best of everything. If you feel � and don't get guilty about it � that you cannot do this, then don�t.

[4gottenabout]

that would be a better option. Although your friend may be fine through the use of drugs and help around her, I hope you arent put in that situation. xx

[China Doll]

23 is a very young age to be thinking of taking on guardianship of a child should the worst happen and you must be very clear in your own mind that this is a responsibility that you want to take on and you are not just doing this because you feel a loyalty and great sadness for your friend. Admirable as those sentiments are the childs welfare has to be the most important thing. Obviously this is easy for me to say and a lot harder for you to put in to practice.

Being diagnosed with HIV is not the death sentence it was once considered to be. Treatment has moved on and it's possible to live a very long time with the virus and go about your everyday life. Has your friend received any form of counselling since getting her diagnosis? Does she actually know as much as possible about this virus and the treatments for it? Because from what you've said it sounds like she is very negative about the whole thing. While taht is beyond understandable, she needs to know that even though she has HIV this does not mean she now has the date she will die.

Finally, it sounds to me like you need some support too. When you are the only person trying to help someone deal with a problem as serious as this you also need to have some support yourself. If you can't sound off you'll tie yourself in knots.

Good luck.

[Lady Muck]

23 is a very young age to be thinking of taking on guardianship of a child should the worst happen and you must be very clear in your own mind that this is a responsibility that you want to take on and you are not just doing this because you feel a loyalty and great sadness for your friend. Admirable as those sentiments are the childs welfare has to be the most important thing. Obviously this is easy for me to say and a lot harder for you to put in to practice.

Being diagnosed with HIV is not the death sentence it was once considered to be. Treatment has moved on and it's possible to live a very long time with the virus and go about your everyday life. Has your friend received any form of counselling since getting her diagnosis? Does she actually know as much as possible about this virus and the treatments for it? Because from what you've said it sounds like she is very negative about the whole thing. While taht is beyond understandable, she needs to know that even though she has HIV this does not mean she now has the date she will die.

Finally, it sounds to me like you need some support too. When you are the only person trying to help someone deal with a problem as serious as this you also need to have some support yourself. If you can't sound off you'll tie yourself in knots.

Good luck.

China Doll

[O'Reilly]

I think you have to be a little selfish for a moment and think about yourself first and foremost. Firstly feel proud that your friend trusts you enough to care for her son because it is a wonderful compliment, BUT at 23 are you ready to be a Mother? Do you want to take a young child on as your own? Do you expect to marry and your future husband has to take you with a son (almost as if you were an unmarried mother?) Do you care for the child enough to want to make him yours? I can understand why your friend is putting her son's needs first but the way she is doing it is giving you a lifetime responsibility by means of emotional blackmail - that situation is never nice when its thrust upon a person as they will only feel guilty in saying "no I can't take on such a commitment" and feel they have let their friend down in the process. If the Father is not in the boy's life he never will be and you cannot start to feel guilt that any decision you make will affect a young childs life. You need advice from a doctor or social services (no need to give the freinds details) I don't think you are ready to take on a lifetime committment no more than I would have been at your age. I think the Red Cross would help too as they helped me as a baby as I learned when I got older. Possibly it may be an idea to say "I'll help you find a loving home for your Son and ensure your decision is final, and I'll ensure he is happy and content, but I am not ready to have a family of my own right now" and work with her in getting help and advice and that way in her lifetime she is making the decisions with your help and backing and not passing her problem on to you.

[Goodsoulette]

Hi Rose, what a awful and sad situation for everyone concerned to be in. I think maybe you need to set some ground rules. People with HIV are now living longer and longer. I know a guy ( who has no children by the way_) who contracted the disease a long time ago through a blood transfusion and he still hasn't developed AIDS. So the idea of you taking on a toddler is not very likely. Of course by the time this happens you may be settled with your own family, which poses other problems.

If she continues to try to kill herself I would personally tell her that you wont take her son if she does that. There is lots for you to think about but to be honest I would just cross that bridge when you come to it. He could be 18, 25 or even older by the time she develops AIDS. The whole situation is incredibly variable.

[Rosenicola]

Hi

Thanks for all the answers.

She is very positive sometimes and then other times breaks down.

I keep trying to be positive for her sake and telling her that there are lots of drugs that can be taken if she develops Aids itself.

Its just because she is suicidal, this is also a reason why she is asking me to look after her son.

Or if the social decide to take him from her, can he come to meinstead of into care.

It is such a huge responsibilty and like you have said, i'm not sure if i could do it.

I will tell her that it's better if she goes through all the correct channels to get her on the best care should anything happen to her.

It is a very sad situation, but thanks for all the advice. All i can really do is be there for her when she needs a friend. That's the best i think i can offer as i also have my own life. Not in a selfish way, but it is a hard thing to do, bringing up a baby, especially when it's not your own aswell.

Thanks again
x

[joko]

if you agree, she may feel that it si ok to kill herself as she has left her son in good hands.

tell her you would like to wait until you bith know she has become too ill before you agree to such a committment.

she is less likely to try anything if theres a chance the child could go into care